I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?”
I said, “Yes please.”
Waiter: “No problem sir. Today is special.”
Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.
You know, I had such a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tyres and roll me down the hill.
Soccer coach to newbie: "Basically, you kick this ball down the field and try to get it into that big net at the end."
"That's the goal at least."
Had the wife stop the movie to watch a quick clip. After she sat down I told her" You could cut the dogs feet off".
She said "I don't understand.....".
I said " UN-PAUSE".
I had to explain it to her...
How do you break down the gates to the Cookie Castle?
With a batter-ing ram to do it all at once, or you can chocolate chip away at it for a long time.
Pirate goes to doctor to have groin pain checked. Dr. looks down pirates pants and says, “you have a captain’s steering wheel in your pants.”
Pirate replied, “arghh, it’s driving me nuts”.
As I was walking down the street, I noted a man with a large pole in his hand and stopped to ask, "Are you a pole-vaulter?"
His response was, "No, I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"
If you ever get locked out of your home, sit down and talk to the lock calmly
Because communication is key
You can’t stay down to earth your whole life
You just wouldn’t have any potential
I was teaching my 12 year old daughter how to mow the lawn. “You need to pick either up and down or right and left, and then stick to it,” I told her. “Do you mow the whole yard in one direction.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because that’s what makes it beautiful.”
Oh, the eye roll on this kid.
Why do people always make you to sit down before they tell you bad news?
Because they know that you won't stand for it.
Did you see the dyslexic kid try to write down "funeral"?
No? Shame, it was real fun.
How do you use a remote control to calm down a robot dog?
My wife said, “Why did you forget to get all the stuff from the grocery store that I wrote down?”
I said, “When I got there, I felt.....listless.”
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will hunt you down.
You have my word.
(My dad put wrote this on the fridge, pls don't kill)
I sat down to dinner and asked my son, “You got any dias?”
Confused, he replied “Dias? No...”. I said, “well I got a whole case-a-dia.” Actually got my wife to laugh a little.
Also, we weren’t having quesadillas.
My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. “We had sex education today, dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!” I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…
“Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”
Yelled down the street to my daughter while she was walking my FIL's little chihuahua: "Hey did you get that dog on sale??"
It certainly looks like you got it half off!!
I could hear the groan all the way up the street..success!
My son and I were walking down the street and he was saying he didn't know which girl to ask to prom and whether he should get a pink or red corsage. I stopped and said, "you might not even have prom due to coronavirus! You gotta look at the big picture, son."
And we both admired the new mural.
Driving down the road, listening to Disney songs. I look in my rear view mirror. My two-year-old is grooving. I ask her, "Aw, are you dancing?" And she replies,
When your lazy kohai never pays attention in class but always wants to see what you wrote down after
they're always like, "Notes me, senpai"
If you can't find your pens or pencils and you really need to write something down remember that old saying...
Where there's a quill there's a way.
I told my daughter, “Its always been my dream to walk you down the aisle.”
She said, “Dad, we are grocery shopping.”
What do you call a Santa that is scared to go down your small chimney
All you need to take down the ham-burglar
What do you call it when people pass lice down to their kids?
If you find yourself a bit down or lost go to Korea
It's the best place to do a bit of Seoul searching
Witnessed in the wild, old dude talking to a sick little kid: Did you know that if your nose runs and your feet smell you're built upside down?
What do you wear to cut down trees?
I was urchin to keep scrolling down this thread, but you sea, I kept herring that the puns got more and more carp.
v.redd.it/ypd18apxdu531
Did you know that a piranha can eat a kid down to the bone in 8 seconds...
anyways I lost my job at the aquarium today
Whenever I encountered one of life's little traumas, my Dad would take me to one side and say "it could be worse - you could be submerged in water twenty foot down a dark shaft"
Bless him - He meant well
How do you talk to a thief who is climbing down a wall?
If you’re trying to get your point across about something, try adjusting the decibel level of your voice up and down while talking.
It will speak volumes to people.
It is with deepest regret that I have to inform you all, my poultry dating site will be closing down,
as I can no longer make hens meet!
I can’t seem to remember what happens to a tree after you cut it down.
Do you know why you are supposed to bury a politician 100ft down?
Deep down, they are good people.
My wife said, "Did you know a bunch of cows lying down means it's going to rain?"
I replied, "Their legs must get really tired during a drought."
Chow down on the food that’s served, you’re going to get a good dessert
You’re walking down the road and you feel something in your shoe. You take off your shoe and find a smaller shoe inside. What would be the only way to describe that?
Had colonoscopy the other day and laid this one on the doctors while waiting to pass out: I'm gonna put you guys down in my resume as references.
You are the only people who really know me inside out.
A squirrel is living in a pine tree, when one day, he feels it shaking, looks down and sees an elephant climbing the tree. The squirrel shrieks, “What are you doing climbing my tree?” “Well, I’m coming up here to eat some pears.” says the elephant.
“You idiot, this is a pine tree, there are no pears!”
“Well I brought my own pears.”
My wife is weeks pregnant. Lately the position of the baby has been hurting her tail bone. I had my face down by the belly, and my wife told me to talk to it. “Quit hurting your mother.” I said “ You’re grounded!”
“You know, I used to be a champion can marksmen, I would shoot those sodas down all day!”
“Some people said that I was firing on all cylinders.”
Right after we sat down for dinner, the waiter said, “Would you like to hear today’s special?”
I said, “Yes please, thanks.”
The waiter responded: Today is special.
My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. “We had sex education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!” I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…
“Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”
I told my daughter, "it's always been my dream to walk you down the aisle."
She said: "Dad, we are grocery shopping."
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