Did you hear about the Infiniti that flipped upside down on the freeway?

No one really knows what happened to it, but most people think it just disappeared.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jayrandomer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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When I joined the local Grammar Nazi Party, they gave me their logo to put on my car. It's an upside-down, lower-case "e."

You know, a schwa sticker.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fat_Elvis_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
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The other week the police arrived on the scene to find me upside down in my car...

They told me not to be so silly, and to sit properly...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
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TIL: If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head.

Because it is capsized.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
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Guy on the TV: "One year ago I went through something that really turned my life upside down.."

My Dad: "... I moved to Australia"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/imfuckingAMAzing
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2015
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Why was the cowboy riding upside down on his horse?

His lips were chapped!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/adurnari
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2014
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DadHelp wanted: more variants for "interrupting cow" knock-knock joke to amuse kids

Everyone knows the interrupting cow knock knock joke but we like making up KKJs for other cows. Here are some of ours; please add more so I can continue to surprise and delight the young people near and dear to me. TIA!

(Obviously each joke goes "Knock knock" etc. I'll just write the "cow" part and the punchline)

  • French cow: le moo

  • Backwards cow: oom

  • Upside down cow: woo

  • Sad cow: moo hoo hoo

  • Ghost cow: moo-oo-oo-oooo

  • Police cow: moo ee oo ee oo ee oo

  • Cow on a motorbike: (make zooming moo)

  • Cow in disguise: Baa

  • Horse in disguise: Moo

  • Invisible cow: (quickly cover child's eyes) Moo

  • Inaudible cow:

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πŸ‘€︎ u/A2S2020
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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My friend has been learning magic as a quarantine hobby. I present to you: my oc list of magician jokes and puns I invented to annoy him.

Did you hear about the magician who grabbed Eminem so hard his SnapBack fell off?

He pulled a rabbit out of his hat

What do you call a magician who is an administrator at a college, but nobody knows what students he is in charge of?

Whose dean’s he?

A magician went out to the store and bought a big metal structure so he could hang upside down and do situps. He also loved painting, but because of his style he often knocked the canvas around while dabbing on the paint. So he bought another, wooden structure, like an easel, but with clamps to hold the painting in place while he prodded it with the paintbrush. His wife asked, as he brought them in, what the hell he had just bought. He replied:

β€œAb rack and dab rack”

What do you call a magician with very skinny fingers?

Slight of hand

The magician’s wife brought him to the store to buy gifts for a birthday party. She picked out a lovely candle, but wanted to include a nice note. The magician knew just what to do. He brought her down an aisle, found a section marked β€œbirthday,” and said:

β€œPick a card, any card”

The Russian magician, in 1932, found an amazing new piece for his act: a giant, wooden sarcophagus in the shape of a beautiful woman. The piece had giant, metal blades inside at waist level. They were locked in place while it was open, but retracted as it closed, making it seem as though the magician had escaped death. But one day, while he was practicing, the great sarcophagus fell over - door still open - right on the magician. When he was found, he was cut right in two. Moral of the story:

In Soviet Russia, box woman saws you.

Okay that’s it. I’m so sorry, I have nothing better to do.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nsk09003
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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Playing a gift exchange with my dad and he got us all:

Holding up a dry erase board with the number on it in Roman numerals XIX. Someone asked what number it was and he says: "oh whoops, I got it upside down", and he flips it over.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Young_Zaphod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
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So I dadjoked the hell out of my dadjoking boss

My boss is a good guy and a good boss, but he always says the same 5 or so jokes (he has two young kids). Anytime he pulls up to a job that we've been working on its "you aren't done yet?" or its "great job, but why are they upside down". Every time someone walks up to a job they get a loud "shhhh, here they come". I can go on and on, he has comedy routines for almost every situation.

So that's what I have to deal with.

Last weekend he took a mini-vacation, and brought me back a bottle of hot sauce (I'm something of a heatseeker) and the bottle was layer with all sorts of sexual innuendo that it'll get you hard and great at sex.

The other day I send him a text message around lunch time that only said "I have to go to the emergency room." Not 30 seconds pass and I get a phone call from him.

Boss: "What happened?"

Me: "Well, this morning I put some of that hot sauce you gave me on my eggs, and I've had an erection lasting more than four hours."

Boss: dryly "Ha. Ha. Haaa."

Meanwhile my coworker is dying of laughter and I'm trying to keep it together.

I've told everyone about this the past couple days.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ejh3k
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
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At a restaurant...

Whenever my dad got his beverage, he would put the straw in and blow bubbles followed by

"Put the damn thing in upside down..."

Then he flipped it over and proceeded to drink normally. I've adopted this one, but wouldn't recommend it on a first date. Maybe second...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HammerFace
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2014
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My parents getting ready for a dinner party

My parents are preparing for a dinner party they are hosting.

Dad: We probably shouldn't put the glasses out just yet so the cats don't jump on the table and get hair in them.

Mom: Lets just turn them upside down.

Dad: They are cats honey, they will just get right back on their feet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nitroracertc3
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2014
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So there's this abusive boss at my Dad's work, right...

And he's not letting anyone go home at reasonable hours or take leave until the big project's . He's been working early mornings and late nights . It's been going on for weeks. they're all tired and homesick. I haven't had a meal with him at home all month which really sucks because he was a great laugh at dinner time. Even when I do see him he's too overworked to even think straight.

Anyway, yesterday Phil, one of his workmates had a brilliant plan.

He turned to my Dad and said to him; "I've had enough of this crap, I'm going home and calling in sick for the next couple of days!"

My dad is amazed. "Phil!" he says, "You can't do that - you'll get sacked!"

"Don't worry, mate," says Phil, "I've got it all worked out." tapping his nose. Out of the blue he reaches up and grabs the ceiling fan (It was off) and hangs upside down from it. My dad has no idea what's going on and tries to ask him, but Phil doesn't answer.

Eventually the boss walks in and asks "Phil - what the Hell are you doing?"

"I'm a lightbulb." replies Phil.

The boss is surprised and realises the guy needs to go home and sends him off for a couple of days. All of a sudden my Dad gets up too and walks away.

"What do you think you're doing?" says the boss.

"You don't expect me to work in the Dark do you?" replies my Dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toggle2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2013
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My favourite thing to say whenever I'm eating M&Ms

I take an M&M and turn it so the M is upside down and I say, "Hey they put the M on upside-down on this one!" Gets occasional chuckle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shipless_Captain
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2017
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Currently watching Empire Strikes Back

The scene is playing where Luke is hanging upside down and just managed to defeat the beast on Hoth by cutting off its arm.

Dad: Well you know why they call it a Wampa now.

Me: Why?

Dad: Because it only has one-paw.

Me: Uses Force Groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Con-the-old-bear
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2016
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Nice can

The wife asked me to put the lid back on her can of paint, but I didn't see it right away.

Me: Where is it?

Wife: It's upside down on the other can.

Me: So it was can-ouflaged.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/5parky
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2014
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The Chair

Last night my fiance went out to sit in chair to smoke. It was dark, so she felt her way to the handle, turned and sat down. The chair was on the other side of her, so she fell.

The next time she went out, she found the post-it note I put on the chair (she used a flashlight this time) that said:

"I noticed you missed me, so I just wanted to say 'hi' "

I got hit upside the head for this one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/archnemisis11
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2015
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While eating dinner

My mom accidentally baked the chicken upside down in the oven, then asked how it was.
My dad answered "good but since you cooked it upside down I have to chew on the other side of my mouth."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slinckkey
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2013
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TIL: If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.

Because it’s capsized.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head.

Because it is capsized.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
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Told my dad I had a cold

I was on the phone with my dad and told him I had come down with a cold. He responded, "Well if your nose is running and your feet smell you need to go to the doctor because you were built upside down."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zucchini_bird
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2016
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