My friend claims the he accidentally glued himself to his autobiography, but I donβt believe him.
But thatβs his story, and heβs sticking to it.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Jan 11 2021
I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Jan 09 2021
Why don't the Jedi take off their shirts to greet each other?
Because only a Sith deals in ab salutes.
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
My dad always told me βdonβt be quick to find faultsβ.
Good man, terrible geologist.
π︎ 343
π
︎ Feb 01 2021
They just donβt taste right!
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Nov 27 2020
Did you know garbage men don't get any training?
They just pick things up as they go along.
π︎ 379
π
︎ Jan 29 2021
My girlfriend says if we donβt get married soon, sheβs gonna kill me.
...itβs a matter of wife or death.
π︎ 539
π
︎ Jan 26 2021
Why donβt ant colonies ever get sick?
.... because theyβre full of anty bodies
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Dec 19 2020
79% of people don't know opposite words for the following.
- Always
- Coming
- From
- Take
- Me
- Down
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Jan 05 2021
Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros.
There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
π︎ 22k
π
︎ Nov 14 2020
My wife told me sheβll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
Iβm not too worried, I think sheβs jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
π︎ 521
π
︎ Dec 23 2020
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, βYouβre an 8 on a scale of 10." But what I still donβt get is why...
She wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
π︎ 196
π
︎ Jan 18 2021
I don't think she was impressed with me
π︎ 34
π
︎ Jan 24 2021
My girlfriend said she'll leave me if I don't support Trump.
π︎ 19k
π
︎ Oct 11 2020
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Please donβt resort to violins and anger if you donβt notice.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Dec 06 2020
I certainly donβt have nerd immunity. π€¦πΌββοΈ
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 27 2021
Why don't professional boxers have sex before a fight ?
Thy probably don't like each other.
π︎ 118
π
︎ Jan 19 2021
Why donβt they watch tv in Afghanistan
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 30 2021
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
π︎ 97
π
︎ Jan 18 2021
If anyone gets a DM from me about canned meat, don't open it!
π︎ 167
π
︎ Jan 19 2021
I donβt mean to brag, but I just put a puzzle together in 1 day...
and the box said 2-4 years!
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Oct 24 2020
Just don't drop the remote
π︎ 104
π
︎ Jan 19 2021
I got in a car wreck and lost my left arm, but donβt worry...
Iβm all right.
buh-dum-tsss
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry puns
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Jan 17 2021
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, βI donβt think they have what youβre looking for, sir.β
I told him, βI donβt think they have what youβre looking for, sir.β
π︎ 194
π
︎ Dec 17 2020
I donβt know why everyone seem to have a problem with vegans.
I have never had a beef with one.
π︎ 82
π
︎ Jan 05 2021
Why don't eggs tell jokes?
They would crack eachother up
π︎ 99
π
︎ Jan 12 2021
why don't Greeks like getting up in the morning?
Well, probably because dawn is tough on Greece
π︎ 31
π
︎ Jan 29 2021
Why don't I do Hitler jokes ?
Because they are outta mein kampfort zone
π︎ 29
π
︎ Jan 23 2021
Now days, people don't use the name Lance very often
In medieval times, people were named Lance a lot
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Nov 03 2020
The barman says, βSorry, we donβt serve faster-than-light particles in here.β
A faster-than-light particle walks into a bar.
π︎ 278
π
︎ Dec 22 2020
I don't mind my geometry teacher asking me to draw a circle. But to then ask me to turn that circle into two equal parts?
That's where I draw the line.
π︎ 90
π
︎ Jan 14 2021
Bilbo Baggins suddenly wakes up and hears someone singing βDonβt stop Believingβ.
It was an unexpected Journey.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Oct 18 2020
Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it!
π︎ 149
π
︎ Dec 28 2020
I've had a hard time figuring out why I don't consider cottage cheese truly "cheese"
But it's just a curd to me
π︎ 338
π
︎ Dec 19 2020
What Rock Group has four men that don't sing?
π︎ 24
π
︎ Feb 02 2021
I donβt get why people buy into the flat earth theory.
I mean, the arguments for it arenβt even well rounded.
π︎ 356
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
Donβt give in to it
π︎ 23
π
︎ Jan 20 2021
I donβt like stairs.
Theyβre always up to something.
π︎ 20
π
︎ Jan 15 2021
What do you get if you donβt move a single muscle all week?
π︎ 21
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
I finally realized why trees donβt have teeth.
Turns out, theyβre all bark and no bite.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Sep 27 2020
Why donβt ants get sick?
Because they have little anty-bodies.
Edit: THANK YOU!! Kind stranger whoever you are out there, for the silver!! Just trying to keep the kids facepalming and the wives eye rolling. You guys are awesome!
π︎ 230
π
︎ Dec 11 2020
Donβt forget to dress warm tomorrow
Itβs going to be minus 45.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jan 20 2021
I don't like talking about the Mariana Trench
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 29 2021
When I left home to go on a business trip, my wife said "Don't forget to write"
I thought, "That's unlikely... it's a basic skill, isn't it?"
π︎ 386
π
︎ Dec 21 2020
A woman suddenly in labor shouts, shouldnβt! wouldnβt! couldnβt! didnβt! canβt! The doctor says "don't worry."
βThose are just contractions.β
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Sep 16 2020
Donβt trust people that create acupuncture,
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 22 2021
My wife asked me, βWhy donβt you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?β
So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parentsβ house...
π︎ 158
π
︎ Dec 23 2020
Cheap Phineas and Ferb pun; I know it sucks you don't need to tell me
Why couldn't Doofenshmirtz do his fractions?
Because Perry got rid of the denom-inator
π︎ 59
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
Why donβt ants get sick
Because they have Ant-ibodies
π︎ 49
π
︎ Jan 22 2021
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
