Where do you learn how to make ice cream?
Do you hap-pun to love puns
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
The trees around the house are starting to bud. I said to my wife, "Honey, do you know what happens when the trees leaf out?"
A look of hopeful curiosity washed over her as she fell into my trap. "No, what?"
"Very SHADY things."
It must've reminded her that she had something else to do that was very important.
If you want to weigh a whale you take it to a whale weigh station. So where do you go if you want to weigh a pie?
Somewheeere over the rainbow...
What do you say to warn your family you're about to test a new dad joke on them?
Just wondering, do you think it's alright for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are in school..
..or am I just a terrible Teacher ?
My wife shouted, "You need to do more chores around the house!" Groaning, I pleaded, "Can we change the subject?" She smiled and calmly replied...
"Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you."
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
If you come to a line of cats, why do you have to pay to cross it?
Because it's a feline.
My family doesn't appreciate my humor.
Doctor to Patient do you smoke?
Patient: yes
Doctor: marijuana, cigarettes, cigars, Vapes?
Patient: mostly brisket, and pork.
What do you need to do when you’re addicted to sea weed?
I have a computer that does the exact opposite of what you tell it to do
it talks so if it's being annoying just say "open down"
A blonde goes into a church and asks the minister, "How much does it cost to rent a church singing group?"He said,"Do you mean a choir?"
She said "Fine... How much does it cost to acquire a church singing group?"
What do you call a mushroom that loves to party?
Where do you put your problems when going to the office?
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts?
Do you know how to make a hormone?
What do you call the fake shit you use to wash your hair?
Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?" I always thought they were going to hit me...
...not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
Warning: Do not buy tickets for the Eskimo lottery - they will sell you the ticket but they only pay out to native Eskimos.
You've got to be Inuit to win it
How do you get your child excited to go to church?
Tell them they are going to the prayground
What do you say to your cheese when it behaves properly?
"who's a Gouda boy"
"You are a Gouda boy"
You're in a dirty fistfight against a gang of circus performers. Who do you take down first to weaken the whole team?
How do you get a handkerchief to dance?
You put a little boogie in it...
Dad to his son; “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?”
Son; “Go on, then.”
Dad growls; “NOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
Son; “That’s Superman.”
Dad; “Thanks, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
What do you call a chemist who quits his career to become a tailor?
How do you know when it’s time to post your dad joke poetry?
What do you say to a yak when you want it to speed up?
Yakcellerate! (My 5 year old made this up)
What do you call a friend who will even go for a walk with you in the rain to listen to your worries?
A rainbro
(Recommended soundtrack for this joke: Bob Marley: Sun is shining. You’ll see why)
What do you call an old-school linux user who also likes to go to clothing optional beaches?
What do you call the act of rummaging around in a purse by a warthog that is good at talking to women?
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
What do you need to get rid of a demon with a skin condition?
What do you call a rabbit that is closer to the sunrise than you?
I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me how to do the splits. He said ‘how flexible are you?’
I said ‘I can’t make Tuesdays’
What is it you use when you want to close a sentence, and, you know stop one thing to start another; I mean how do you bring one sentence to an end so you can start another one, hang on, I’ve found it .
Apologies this was a very difficult period for me.
Do you know how to tell someone tells too many bad jokes at a butcher shop?
Cuz even the beef gets corny
How do you say hi to a chinese cowboy?
What do you do to pass time while stuck in concrete?
How many times do you have to tickle an octopus before he’ll laugh?
What do you say to The President Of The United States when he leaves abruptly?
Do you know why it's difficult to read what is on my Samsung phone's screen from 20 feet?
Because it's on a Galaxy far, far away.
Do you know how to get a farm girl to like you?
Doctor to patient do you smoke?
Patient: yes.
Doctor: marijuana, cigarettes, cigars, Vapes?
Patient: mostly brisket, and pork.
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
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