Just wondering, do you think it's ok for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are in school ?
Or am I just a bad Teacher..?
My Uncle David told me that people in the 80s had the chance to have super powers for 24 hours and they could do what ever they wanted with them
He said "We could be heroes, but just for one day"
My friend asked me at the gym, "Do you wanna listen to Cardi B first?"
I said, "How about Cardi O?"
My Wife says to me this morning. Our new neighbor kisses his wife every day when he leaves for work, why don't you do that..?!!
..because I hardly know her.
A firend asked me to do some Ego lifting with him
I said it is not a good idea.
His reply: why?
Me: it is a pretty weighty order.
Playing minecraft with my son and this one just came to me: What do you call a baby axolotl?
A warehouse asked me to do wall art in their loading bays. I decided to go with an ocean theme.
.
They really liked the Bay B shark.
Her: what kind if music do you listen to? Me: you probably haven't heard of it... It's pretty underground
I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’
He said: ‘How flexible are you?’
I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays'
You can't do this to me. I know my rights!
Two cops randomly approached me. "We need to do a stop and search, sir. Stolen coffee from the coffee shop."
"Why me?" I asked.
They said they had reasonable grounds.
My Australian friend asked me, “Do you want to watch the latest Bond movie?”
Me: No Time to Die?
Friend: That’s ok. How about tomorrow?
My wife’s going a fancy dress party as a Rastafarian and asked me to do her hair!
The wife and kids went to my in-laws for a cookout, I stayed home to work on a few projects. She sent a text, "do you want me to bring home some brats?"
I responded, "is there an option to leave them all there?"
My wife was heating up some leftovers for lunch. She asks: "Hun, do you want me to heat you up a plate?"
"Sure, but can you put some food on it first?"
Son to me: hey daddy! What do you call a bug that's not in your house?
My friend asked me what I do when or if I happen to see a tiger nearby...I said...
This may not be the right sub for this, if so mods do your thing but my girlfriend, who has worked hard all her life to be a top ranked tennis player, just broke up with me.
I guess love means nothing to her.
Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket?
"Granddaughter, watch how far I can kick this bucket."
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?”
I said, “Yes please.”
Waiter: “No problem sir. Today is special.”
Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.
During a divorce hearing the judge ask the son if he wanted to live with his mom or dad. The son answered, "neither they both beat me." So the judge asked, "who do you want to live with?"
The son answered, "the U.S. Women's Soccer Team. They only beat themselves.
Phil is to blame for this one, nothing to do with me.
Cannot do anything what my heart tells me to do
Too bad i dont know Morse
The sasquatch wanted to do business with me while remaining untraceable...
I told him I don't take cryptidcurrency.
My friend advised me to do dark magic
But i don't think i voodoo it.
Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?" I always thought they were going to hit me...
...not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
I was out by the street trying to hitchhike but every single car I stuck my thumb out for just passed me by. I began to wonder if it had something to do with the cargo shorts I was wearing.
So I went home and put on some carstop shorts, and had much better success at hitchhiking after that.
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...he’s really a big lyre.
Being on a diet has pushed me to do some very regrettable things. For example, last week my wife caught me cheating with 5 guys.
Their burgers are simply irresistible
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume? Me: That’s when I went to Yale... Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
My financial advisor wants me to do the whole investor thing.
I bought the vest, any recommendations on a good tour I can take? So I can do my In Vest Tour
Did I tell you guys about the side-hustle plan I came up with? I’m going to do personal training for the band that recorded ‘Lola’ and ‘You Really Got Me’. It’s a good plan...
I just have to work out a few Kinks.
Me: Do you want to watch porn or golf?
Wife: Porn. You already know how to golf.
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied “baby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...
But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
I asked some clams to help me move but all they wanted to do was sit there and breathe seawater.
I told them they were just being shellfish.
I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me how to do the splits. He said ‘how flexible are you?’
I said ‘I can’t make Tuesdays’
I said to the gym instructor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?”
He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.” (h/t Tim Vine)
Just wondering, do you think it's alright for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are in school..
..or am I just a terrible Teacher ?
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
I said to the gym instructor ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’
He said ‘How flexible are you?’ I said ‘I can’t make Tuesdays’
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...he’s really a big lyre.
I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me how to do the splits. He said ‘how flexible are you?’
I said ‘I can’t make Tuesdays’
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
Do you know the last thing my father said to me before he kicked the bucket?
"Son, watch how far I can kick this bucket."
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