I have a direct line to my grandma

I call it Instagram

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hselmak
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2019
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There's a fine line between alternating current and direct current...

AC/DC

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2017
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Why did the Karen press ctrl+alt+del?

She wanted to see the task manager

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TJVpower
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
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April fools joke 2014

I passed my co workers a note that said that they missed a call from "Mr. Baer," and attached the callback number as the direct line to the local zoo.

Played out like this - "Your local zoo, how can I help you?"

"yes, hello, I'd like to speak with Mr Baer..... facepalm I think I have the wrong number..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BugSTi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2014
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The story of my friend Sam

HI I’m Tim the turtle, yes a real turtle. And I would like to tell you the story of my best friend. I once had a friend by the name of Sam. Sam of course was a clam. A real live honest to goodness clam. He was my best buddy, but unfortunately he smoked and drank and ran around with loose women (and a few men). I was more of the goodie two shoes type. I never drank, never smoked, I didn’t even swear. But for some reason Sam and I were the best of friends. I guess you can say we were the epitome of opposites attracting. One day as we were hanging out walking along the beach Sam, after his fifth cigarette in a row, had a heart attack and died. I was heart broken. My best friend died right there in front of me and he never repented his evil ways. I was sure he would spend eternity in damnation. Sigh. Being the goodie two shoes type I was still extremely healthy well into my old age. I missed my friend terribly for many years. On his birthday I would host a party and invite his old stripper girlfriends and poker buddies around to relive stories. It was always a fun evening, but in the end left me more lonely than before. Eventually, my broken heart couldn’t stand it anymore and I too died. I was pleased to find that there was a heaven. Being an almost saint I was whisked directly past the line to the Pearly Gates to be greeted by St. Peter. A big grin erupted on his face and he came right around his desk to give me a great big hug. β€œTim”, he said, β€œYou have been such a good person back on earth that God has asked me to grant you any wish you would like before even entering heaven”. To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement. I thought for a minute, I guess God expected me to ask for more time on earth, but I knew what I really wanted to do was to visit with my old friend Sam. So I asked. Poor St. Peter didn’t know what to say. You know Sam is in Hell right? Well I knew that was a strong possibility so I wasn’t surprised. Peter excused himself for a while and went to check with the big guy himself. He was gone quite some time, but eventually he returned. Peter said my request was approved, but under a few conditions. First, I would have to carry a golden harp as a passport back into heaven. This harp could only be carried by a good soul so I couldn’t be replaced by a look alike demon. Second, I would have to return by midnight. God didn’t want me to face too much temptation. I agreed to these conditions and took the highway down to hell. (Nope n

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dendari
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2018
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I think my geometry teacher is onto my Reddit account

He hasn't said my name directly yet, but keeps asking me questions about whether "x and y lies on line..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/darkrum
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2018
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Boss just made a dad joke out of nowhere

I sent an email to all the department managers seeking approval for a particular process change, and the last line was

>If you agree, please reply all and say β€œApproved” or β€œI agree” or something to that effect

My direct boss immediately replies with

>Approved by [his initials] or β€œI agree” or something to that effect

Happy Friday!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FrankMcDank
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2014
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My Dad finds away to make everything funny.

I was in line for a ride at an amusement park with my family and boyfriend, when my dad saw a sign just like this one http://imgur.com/3dGi1hU.

He takes one look at it, and without speaking directly to anyone in my family he says "Miracles this way? Must be one hell of a ride."

Then he just looked at me with the biggest smirk on his face, like he had just said the funniest thing anyone could ever say. I love that man.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/reddicted9313
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2014
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While in line at Chipotle...

My son and I are waiting in line at Chipotle. This guy next to me starts to order. Guy behind the counter asks him what kind of rice he would like. Guy next to me looks at both, considering brown or white. "White rice" he says. I look him directly in the eyes, pause a moment, and state, loud enough for the line and the employees to hear, "That's rice-ist".

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lordpent
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2016
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My dad got a ticket driving home

Dad: "You'll never believe what happened to me today driving home!"

Me: "What?"

Dad: "Well, I was driving down a back road home from work. It was such a beautiful day. The sun was still shining, a slight breeze was rustling the trees, and all the leaves had changed colors. Yellow, orange, red... just a gorgeous view. I was doing about 55, not a car in sight, when I come around a bend and see a cop car parked on the side of the road. I slowed down, but tried not to slow down so quickly that it would be obvious. I carefully drove up past the cop, being extra careful to stay centered within the lines and maintaining my lower speed. It looked like I was all clear, but then from out of nowhere a turkey jumped out in front of my car! I didn't even have a chance to brake!"

Me: "Jeez that's crazy!"

Dad: "I know! It hit the front of my car, rolled up over the windshield and did a somersault before landing directly onto the hood of the officer's car. He immediately turned on his lights and pulled me over and gave me a ticket."

Me: "What?? But that's not your fault! It was the turkey! What did he even give you a ticket for?"

Dad: "He gave me a ticket for flipping him the bird. Hahahaha!"

Me: -___-

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoopaSte123
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2013
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My cousin got me while giving her directions

I was giving her directions to get to my house (she has been here before).

Me: Take the Picadilly Line to Hammersmith. Do you want me to meet you there or do think you can walk here from memory?

Her: Where is memory?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BaltimoreBirdGuy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2015
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