Did you know that Muslims were the LOWEST impacted religious group of people in the pandemic?
They've always required mosques
What do you call a jar of Miracle Whip that’s falling to the bottom of the ocean in early May?
People in Athens hate getting up early.
Because Dawn is tough on Greece!
My priest prescribed a circuit of crunches, flutter kicks, bicycles, and plank holds for the guilt I confessed about neglecting my stomach muscles during workouts.
I finally received my abs solution.
What a train ride of emotions finding a neglected train but also a quality pun
I spent a lot of time, money and effort child-proofing my house.
But the kids still get in.
What do u call the most annoying child in Germany?
I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills
Jim Morrison was standing in front of the television as a child, blocking his father's view of the game.
His father shouted, "Jim! You make a better Door than a window!"
You know I spent alot of years as a child
How is the British child of an Australian bear and a Antarctic sea animal like a Tupperware?
They're both koala-tea-seals!
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"
What was the child who wouldn’t nap guilty of?
The skipper of a 40 ton trawler which ran aground in Hull during the early hours of Sunday was reported to be 6 times over the legal limit for sailing. Authorities said they had no idea what to do with a drunken sailor early in the morning.
My wife just informed me that “terrible two” refers to a kids in a specific developmental stage
And all this time that’s how I always referred to my two kids at all times
What did the homophobic father say to the deliverer of his child?
“Give it to me straight, doc.”
Did you hear about the coal mining startup that used child labor? Thankfully they caught it early.
So it was only a minor minor miner issue.
In my early years I gave my friend an owl
Back then I used to give a hoot.
My friend keeps saying “Cheer up, man. It could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Edit: Wow. Thanks for the awards, kind Reddit strangers!
So the doctor sat me down and gently revealed to me me that my child is a boy trapped in a girls body...
...Until my wife gives birth that is. Only three more months to go!
A curious child asked her mom, "why are you starting to get some grey hairs in with all your dark hair?"
Seizing this as a moral teaching moment she tells her daughter this little white lie, "Well young lady, when a daughter does something naughty, one of her mother's hairs turns grey."
After several moments of deep thought her daughter says to her mother, "So, mommy is that why all of grandma's hair is grey????"
In honor of Mother’s Day, I’d just like to say,
“thank you for your cervix.”
I need someone to repair the stone wall in the front of my house, but I don’t have a lot of money.
Incidentally, Free Masons are not what they sound like.
when I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
A man walks in to a bar with a piece of asphalt
The man says to the bartender “1 for me, and 1 for the road”
First child born in a couple of weeks so I thought to give it the good ol try. Sometimes when I’m down I go to the mall and use the elevator.
So it can lift me up and make my day better.
I tried to OC.
I actually know a lot of jokes in sign language.
I guarantee you that nobody has ever heard them.
A child picks up a piece of chocolate and puts it in the shopping cart. The mother takes the chocolate, as it is unhealthy, and puts it down next to the eggs.
For its unhealthy being, it was in eggs-aisle.
The cast of “Friends” got stuck at sea in a boat, but thankfully nothing happened.
[OC (I think)] What do you call the child of a civil engineer?
In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.
To be fair, the people being photographed did try and warn him.
Hey friends! In support of the LGBTQ+ community I wanted to design a punny pride greeting card and I am so happy with how it turned out :D let me know what you think!
What do you call an obese child in school?
I was reminded of the time’s when I was a child the other day. My dad is to stick us in tires and roll us down the hills in the back yard....
Those were the GOODYEARS.
There are two types of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
I just got a new job in a factory making plastic Draculas. There are only two of us on the production line
so I have to make every second count.
There are 10 types of people in the world:
Those who know binary and those who don't.
What kind of trees grown in the bathroom?
Toilet-trees
.....I'll show myself out
In the early 1900's, a number of protests arose because of employment of children in coal mines.
I suppose you could say the owners had a minor minor miner problem.
Pun of the month, in a sense?
Soup (I know it’s from Instagram but that’s why I kept the @ of the account in)
Lots of Corona cases in Lidl
You know, I had such a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tyres and roll me down the hill.
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up man, it could be worse. You could stuck underground in a hole full of water
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
Because dawn is tough on Greece.
I had a happy childhood, dad would roll me down the hill in a tire
I know a handful of jokes in sign language.
I guarantee no one has ever heard them!
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