She said “I just go with the flow”.
As much as it sucks, it’s better to be safe than SARS-y
After that, everything I touched turned into a muffler.
I said, “You’re missing the point.”
My dad was a math teacher and thinks he's Seinfeld.
I just don't think I can live with myself after hearing that.
He foiled my plan.
He should have known it was not the right Tom to Have her for dessert.
They even had a shift differential!
After my first couple weeks I received a case of hotdogs along with my paycheck. I thought nothing of it, but then it happened again next payday, and honestly the paycheck felt a little short.
I approached my boss and asked him what the deal was.
He said "your paycheck? Yeah that's just your day rates."
"And the hot dogs?" I asked
"Nitrates"
Teacher: “So I want everyone to understand that a dead body isn’t disgusting, and we need to be able to handle it and always be observant at all times when dealing with one”
The teacher has everyone turn their body over
Teacher: “Now I want you all to stick your finger in it’s ass and hold it in there for a moment”
all of the students do as instructed, hesitant at first
Teacher: “Okay, now go ahead and pull your finger out and then put a finger in your mouth like I do”
The students getting a little disgusted by that request REALLY hesitated at first, but eventually they all did as he asked
As the teacher has all of his students with their finger in their mouth, he tells the class, “now see it’s not disgusting if you did it right...if you put your index finger in the ass, and put your middle finger in your mouth like I did, you have just passed my class”.
With minimal observance, and a dead silent room...not one student passed the pop quiz
Because it has been dealing with shit for years.
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it
I’m finding it hard to deal with this.
Because it has been dealing with shit for years
He's finding it hard to deal with.
more like dad revelations. I was pulling up carpet and padding Sunday because we adopted two very rude Husky puppies last year that like to urinate in the house. As I was working, I was listening to Parliment Funkadelic on Pandora and I came to the realization that I was listening to P-Funk as I was dealing with pee funk.
Another thing that happened the same day was I took an opened bag of bird feed out of the closet to pull the carpet up and when I looked at it a bit later, I saw beetles all over the bag and crawling on the counter where I had set it. Probably 40 of the little suckers. I had to text my wife about that one. "Honey, I've got bad news. Our bag of bird feed has been infested with beetles. Yes, our bird feed has been infested with... more bird feed."
Anyway, just thought I would share. Carry on with the groaners.
In my opinion we should beat the shit out of constipated people because:
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Laxatives are an unhealthy way of dealing with feces. On the other hand, beating the shit out of someone is a good way to practice sports activities like, running, grip strength, punching techniques etc.
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Other methods of dealing with feces take alot of money. Laxatives aren't cheap in our flawed healthcare system! On the other hand, there are people that are willing to pay you to beat the shit out of you. By using this method you can become richer and deal with your shitty problems.
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Constipation requires being in the bathroom for a long time. This can be very lonely for the people involved. However, beating the shit out of others can be done in any place. Your home, the local park, or even the shady street corner! Not only that it's a very social activity, requiring a minimum of at least 2 people, but usually done in groups of 2-5 people.
Although some people might say, that beating the shit out of each other is violent, most of them have never been to a public toilet and hence are unable to realize how much more painful and violent the alternative is.
In summery, beating the shit out of people is a good, legitimate, and affordable alternative to laxatives and is a better, more progressive way, to deal with constipation.
He has been dealing with a lot of shit lately and is trying to bring it up.
With a considerable deal of practice and skill and the correct combination of knots in the tie so it can properly be secured on the neck. It's an ant-tie joke.
The would-be mentor insisted on going to a seafood restaurant and then he ordered his favorite meal for the both of them. When the hard working, fresh-out-of-journalism-school grad asked the veteran newshound how he always managed to get witty phrases from the Prime Ministers and Presidents he interviewed, a sly smile swam across his face.
Intrigued, she watched intently while he reached for his wallet then removed a €5 note. Holding it toward her face over the table, she was surprised when the greying beat writer dropped the money directly on her uneaten dinner and held an index finger to his closed lips.
As they both looked down at the seafood platter, his paper Euro was suddenly sucked under the rings of fried calamari until it disappeared from sight. After what sounded like a stand-up comedian clearing his throat, a male voice with an Eastern European accent clearly rose out of her food. It said, "Trump asked for dirt on Biden so I sent him some good Ukrainian topsoil."
As the gobsmacked gal with mouth agape slowly raised her eyes to her grinning dinner guest's face, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "squid pro quote".
Required Explanation: "squid pro quote" is a play on words for the saying "quid pro quo", a Latin phrase meaning "something for something". In the news at the time of this posting a tremendous amount of discussion is being circulated about whether or not US president Trump dangled a quid pro quo offer in front of Ukraine's newly elected president, Volodymyr Zelensky. The deal had nothing to do with seafood however, so that was just a red herring. It should also be noted that Mr. Zelensky, before diving into politics, was a stand-up comedian.
He invited me to go explore a cave with him, but it seemed dangerous so I declined. Months later he planned another caving expedition and invited me again, but again I said no. Half a year later, he planned another trip, but he insisted that I join him. He spent a great deal of time explaining the safety equipment and measures used, and I reluctantly changed my mind and agreed to go with him. I finally caved
They assured me they were dealing with it.
They’re dealing with it asbestos they can
The fire department did they’re best to deal with the fire at the bakery but were unable to save the employees because it was already too late. They were toast.
and not moving. "So uh, what's the deal with the dead turtle?" he asks. The barkeep perks up, "Dead? you say? I'll have you know that this is the fastest turtle on Earth!" "In fact, I have fifty dollars that say **this** turtle can beat **you** to the other side of the room!" The man looks at the motionless turtle and says, "Alright - Your on!" "on the count of three" says the bartender. "one" "two" "three!" and he picks up the turtle and throws it across the room.
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
The man never took it seriously at first, he figured he was just getting older and blamed it on age.
After a few weeks, the man has developed an incredible frequent and annoying cough.
His wife is annoyed and is constantly telling him to go the doctor, but the man kept refusing.
One day during an argument, his wife has had it with his coughing and hacking and tells him "Im making a bet, if this damn coughin kills you i'm writing ' I told you so' on your tombstone!"
The man laughs her off since they both have a twisted sense of humor, and tells her its a deal, if the coughin kills him she can carve that.
The man continues on for another week
One day the man is out going for a walk through his neighborhood, when a freak accident occurs between a truck carrying coffins and a car, which results in a coffin flying off the truck, tragically landing on the old man and kills him.
Later at his funeral, his wife makes a very odd request to have them carve "I told you so" on his headstone.
When the caretaker asks her why she wants to do this, she tells him about their dark humor, and fills him in on the bet they recently made.
The caretaker is touched by the story, and agrees to do it for her, because in the end,
It was that damn coffin that killed him
When my brother and I were little, we put out milk and cookies for Santa and carrots for the reindeers on Christmas eve, and woke up on Christmas morning to find them mostly eaten. We were delighted at proof of our nighttime visitors.
The next year our dad told us he had gotten an inside tip from the north pole: that Santa actually liked ramen and beer, not milk and cookies (as other, less well informed, dads and kids had always thought).
For years, we dutifully cooked ramen, put it on a table by the fireplace with a cold beer on the side, and woke up to the ramen and beer having been consumed in the night.
I knew my dad wasn't fond of milk or cookies, but it wasn't until later that we connected the dots and found out the deal about Santa. My dad was the one who ate the Santa food once we went to bed, and he had secretly convinced us to prepare his ideal midnight snack for as long as we believed in Santa.
My name is Brie and I have and addiction to cheese. It’s pretty grate. I thought I would be okay. But now I know I can’t deal with it it on my provolone. My addiction isn’t cheesy I promise.
My boss is a good guy and a good boss, but he always says the same 5 or so jokes (he has two young kids). Anytime he pulls up to a job that we've been working on its "you aren't done yet?" or its "great job, but why are they upside down". Every time someone walks up to a job they get a loud "shhhh, here they come". I can go on and on, he has comedy routines for almost every situation.
So that's what I have to deal with.
Last weekend he took a mini-vacation, and brought me back a bottle of hot sauce (I'm something of a heatseeker) and the bottle was layer with all sorts of sexual innuendo that it'll get you hard and great at sex.
The other day I send him a text message around lunch time that only said "I have to go to the emergency room." Not 30 seconds pass and I get a phone call from him.
Boss: "What happened?"
Me: "Well, this morning I put some of that hot sauce you gave me on my eggs, and I've had an erection lasting more than four hours."
Boss: dryly "Ha. Ha. Haaa."
Meanwhile my coworker is dying of laughter and I'm trying to keep it together.
I've told everyone about this the past couple days.
I said, “Why don’t you deal with it?”
No, son. Deal with IT yourself.
He said "Good, then your software will be bug free."
Bonus pic of said web. I'm open to advice on how to deal with it.
Mum was out shopping and calling Dad excitedly at some new bedding she'd found. "It's so us, it will help your back, and it looks so so so comfortable. Come on, we've not had new bedding in years. I've chosen this amazing bed, sheets that go perfectly with our room. There's a deal where they throw in extras, like a U shaped pillow and then......."
Dad cut her off mid-flow and shouted "OK! Do it! Let's get it!"
He relayed the conversation back to us and said he was really excited.
Weeks later when the bed finally arrived he stood watching her unwrap the parts. I was just outside the room. He waited for his cue and when she opened the U shaped pillow - boom - he hit it,
"It looks nothing like me!" He shouted.
He turned to me and winked "totally worth it" he grinned at me.
..............…
I was confused.
................
He said "when I heard about the U shaped pillow I was so sold on the joke I had to let her buy it all".
Yeah... Nice one dad........
Today, I went out to lunch with some fellas from my office, Dave and Mike.
We all opted for the "beer and sandwich deal": any beer < $6 and any sandwich from the lunch menu for $10. Can't beat that in Hoboken, NJ.
One of my coworkers ordered a Sam Adams something-or-other and our bouncy little waitress pranced off to fetch our beverages. When the waitress returned with our potables she placed a beer, amber in color, 1/2" or so foamy head, in front of my coworker and said:
"Sam?"
To which I immediately announced "No, that's Dave."
Laughs were had all around. I cringed at myself but I couldn't help it.
I live on a sail boat and started what I thought would be a small project. I wanted to ensure that my toilet plumbing was working correctly before having a guest over so I turned on my macerator and began pumping clear water through the system to clean the toilet and clear the system completely. For those that don’t know, a macerator is basically a garbage disposal like you would have in your kitchen sink buttttt for your poop. It cuts up your poop and toilet paper so that it can be discarded over board in smaller pieces. Of course the pump wasn’t working correctly so I detached some plumbing, looked into the macerator motor and got way more into it than I had planned for. My guest was on her way and I didn’t want to necessarily tell her what I was dealing with because I didn’t want to gross her out. When she showed up I was just putting stuff away and had finished the project. Of course she asked what I was working on, I proclaim “ oh I just needed to deal with some shit” and left it at that.
when a man came by and said the price was insane. The Salesman offered him a second car free with it. The man, baffled, replied with "Well, that sure does Sweden the deal!"
I heard about a man who was obsessed with houseplants. His wife got to the point that she couldn't deal with them all over the house so she had him move all of his plants to the entryway. Now that the plants were consolidated it was much easier to move about the house, but he kept adding plants to their entryway until it was impossible to leave the house.
His wife finally had enough and tried to clear them out herself but they were all intertwined and she was unable to hack through the forest that now occupied their entryway. Desperate, she called a family friend, a forester with the National Park Service, who came and cleared out the veritable jungle while the man who had raised the plants looked on in dismay.
Just before leaving, the forester turned to the man and spoke sternly: "Only you can prevent forest foyers."
The beef cattle farmer thought it was a silly policy and would greatly reduce his income from selling meat overseas....
The pig farmer disagreed, he thought it was a great opportunity for livestock farmers to benefit from higher profit margins in a strong domestic market with fewer overheads.
Feeling very passionate after a few beers, the beef farmer says to the pig farmer:
“This time in 12 months, the government will have repealed this policy because it’s such a terrible idea... in fact, I’m willing to bet on it. If I’m wrong, and they don’t repeal it, I’ll give you my prized cow, Daisy. But if I’m right, and they do repeal it, you have to give me free bacon for a year”.
The pig farmer is confident that the policy will be a success and won’t be repealed. So he says “deal”.
The beef farmer carries on:
“Actually, I think this policy is going to be such a terrible failure that I’ll need to sell half of my cows to stay afloat... in fact, I’m willing to bet on it. If I’m wrong, and this policy doesn’t mean I need to sell half my cows, I’ll give you free steaks for a year. But if I’m right, and I do need to sell half my cows, you have to give me your prized boar, pumba”.
The pig farmer is confident that the beef farmer won’t need to sell any cows. So he says “deal”.
12 months pass following the introduction of the live export ban. The government hasn’t repealed the policy, but unfortunately the beef farmer has had to sell most of his cows.
Both farmers reconvene at the pub. The beef farmer says to the pig farmer:
“Well, it seems you were right about one thing but wrong about the other...
So... You may have won the cattle, but you’ve lost the boar!”.
I find it extremely difficult to deal with.
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
I find it very hard to deal with
