A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3.
He says, “Uno, dos…”
Then poof…he disappears without a tres.
A Spanish Magician says he will vanish on the count of three.
No one knows why he stopped at dos. They say he disappeared without a tres.
My 5 year old told me this today - Dad, how does a farmer count all his animals in the barn?
What country are Ned Flanders’ relatives from?
I was recently asked who my favorite vampire was. I replied "the count from Sesame Street."
They told me, "he doesn't count!" I replied, "I assure you, he does."
How does Bill Gates count to ten?
1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, ME, XP, Vista, 7, 8,10.
I’ve lost count of the times I forgot
I had to break up with this girl who just would not stop counting.
I wonder what she’s up to now.
Why do Germans skip the number 10 when counting?
It goes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, nein 10.
I've got a chicken who counts her own eggs....
I went to the beekeeper to get a dozen bees. When he gave me the bag, I counted 13, so I said “oops, you gave me an extra-“
He said “Nah, that’s a freebie”
Don't know if this counts
How do you call something that makes a lot of sense for people who know how to count if you dont?
What was a very common name in the middle ages?
I heard parents named their children lance a lot.
First post please don't kill me
Edit: i went to sleep and now my inbox is dead, thank you kind strangers for the awards!
I have trouble counting past seven in French.
What did the German say when asked to skip a few when counting to 1,000?
Nien, Nien, Nien!
Germans don’t skip steps.
Why do Japanese cars scratch themselves when counting?
I had a rooster that could count once...
What has 4 wheels and flies?
I once had a chicken that could count her eggs...
I named her Countchickula
My friend was trying to feed her baby but he was having none of it. I said "Try the Airplane."
She said, "Airplane? What is it?"
"It's a classic spoof film from the 1980s but that's not important right now."
I've spent all morning trying to think of a quality pun, just to come up with THIS otter rubbish.
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
My Son Ate a Bunch of Scrabble Tiles. My Wife is Scared but I'm not...
He should have a good vowel movement. His next diaper change could spell disaster though.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"
Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $3.00
Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:
Riceless
Today on a walk my son was asking about a bunch of plants and stuff, he pointed to one and I said it was a fungi.
Without missing a beat he asks "Daddy, do you know how much room you need to grow Fungi like that?"
I did not know.
So he tells me "as Mushroom as possible!"
So proud.
Mrs. Dracula, from the living room: "Count Dracula!"
Count Dracula, from the basement:"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6..."
My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work
She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up
What do you call a hen who counts her eggs?
I had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
Grandma is always saying to me ' Hey what's the name of that German guy again who keeps taking my stuff '
Alzheimer, Grandma, it's Alzheimer.
Always part of a classical dish
Why aren't pretzels counted as bread?
Because they're knot-bread.
Did you know a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence?
For example
- I ate my friend's lunch
- I ate my friend's colon
[God creating dads]
God : Ah, yes. I think I'm done
Dads: Hi done, we're dads.
God:
Dads:
God: creates the adjustable thermostat
What do cannibals serve at the beginning of dinner party?
A tattoo artist has a guy come in and get a new mark on an expanding list of hash marks. After a few sessions the tattoo artist asks “What are you counting?”
And the guy says “how many tattoos I have now”
SpongeBob may be the main character of the show.
Do black and white count as colors?
A conversation I had on a dating app. For context, her instagram is mainly pictures of chairs and her name rhymes with chair.
A Mexican magician tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of 3.
He says, “uno, dos..” and then POOF he disappeared without a tres…
A Mexican magician told his audience he would disappear on the count of three. He says “Uno...Dos...” *POOF*
...he disappeared without a Très
I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees.He counted and gave me 13.
"Sir, you gave me an extra." That's a freebie.
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