Archaeologists found the remains of the 12 apostles...
They're now called 'The 12 a-FOSSILS'
Where did the Apostle Paul buy his mask for the Corona Virus?
At a shop on the road to Damaskus...
A conversation I had on a dating app. For context, her instagram is mainly pictures of chairs and her name rhymes with chair.
The heat of this conversation
The wife accused me of always dropping random Elvis lyrics in our conversations.
Her suspicious mind left me all shook up
How do you get out of a conversation with the Easter Bunny?
Well. You don’t want to egg him on; he’s a real basket case. Hop out of there.
Text message conversation with my dad the other day, where I out-dadded him.
Dad: Give me your best knock knock joke. Or jokes. Do it when you can no rush.
Me: Does it have to be a knock knock joke or can it be any joke?
Dad: Knock Knock.
Me: Who’s there?
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"
Grandma is always saying to me ' Hey what's the name of that German guy again who keeps taking my stuff '
Alzheimer, Grandma, it's Alzheimer.
My friend and I were having a conversation on a hot summer day but when the A/C broke…
our conversation turned into a heated conversation
What do cannibals serve at the beginning of dinner party?
SpongeBob may be the main character of the show.
Did you know a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence?
For example
- I ate my friend's lunch
- I ate my friend's colon
I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.
The one and only acceptable way of advertising
Ah sorry i didn't read the name of the subreddit right
My friend was trying to feed her baby but he was having none of it. I said "Try the Airplane."
She said, "Airplane? What is it?"
"It's a classic spoof film from the 1980s but that's not important right now."
Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.
But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.
The CEO of IKEA was just selected as the Prime Minister of Sweden
He’s assembling his cabinet.
So we all know that you find H2O inside a fire hydrant, but what do you find on the outside of a fire hydrant?
Why did the fan say no to Paul McCartney’s marriage proposal?
Because it could only oscillate horizontally
Daughter (complaining): :Daaaad, that's boring!" Son (overhearing end of conversation): "What's boring?"
Me (to son): digging holes in the ground.
mum: snigger
What is the opposite of isolate?
I need someone to repair the stone wall in the front of my house, but I don’t have a lot of money.
Incidentally, Free Masons are not what they sound like.
All hail the holy antlers of the deer god
Recently moved to a new place and position for my job. Boss on the first day said "Hey Paul glad you made it, how you liking your new office?"
I said "I think you forgot my name, but I'm a Justin Well, thanks."
It just occurred to me that the opposite of Artificial Intelligence is …
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
The Adventures of the Mathmagician (an educational and punny comic).
How do you determine the mass of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, “I feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”
He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
the very peak of my existence about 6 months ago today
What's the opposite of ladyfinger?
The cast of “Friends” got stuck at sea in a boat, but thankfully nothing happened.
If someone told me tomorrow is the start of a new month...
What is the hairiest side of a gorilla?
The other day my dog fell into a lake and was drowning. Then some German guy came out of nowhere and saved his life
After I thanked him, he said to me: "Don't vorry, just dry him off and keep him varm, he vill be fine"
I asked him, "Are you a vet?"
He answered, "Am I vet? I'm soaking"
What's the best time of day on a clock?
The most important part of a mail pun, is the delivery.
What was the name of Robin Hood's Dad?
What type of car did Jesus’s apostles drive?
Hey friends! In support of the LGBTQ+ community I wanted to design a punny pride greeting card and I am so happy with how it turned out :D let me know what you think!
What kind of bird doesn’t know the words to their own song?
Would you walk hundreds of miles, climb a volcano and risk your life for the sake of saving the world?
The invention of the shovel was ground breaking..
But the invention of the broom really swept the nation
The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden.
He's currently assembling his cabinet.
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