My wife works with birds at the zoo. The other day I asked her about the lifespan of a falcon. She said they usually live for about 15 to 20 years.

"I guess that means all the Millennial Falcons are gone."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gherkinstein
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2021
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I need help following up with this pun, this is a video about a scientist giving a lecture about fire, I can’t think of any more other than pun-ch line
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Huiplayshd1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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Scientists have realised that trees have a way of communicating with each other...

It's called What Sap.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
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I had a fight with my wife the other day about my terrible sense of direction.

I just packed my bags and right.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImaCowBRO
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
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I saw an interview with an out of work contortionist the other day

He’s struggling to make ends meet

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Frosty_boblem
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
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Where do shortened versions of movies go to play with each other?

A trailer park.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AllArePunished
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
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This is a series of dad jokes that all relate to each other and form a dad joke story so bear with me.

How do you kill a blue elephant? (How?) With a blue elephant gun.

How you you kill a pink elephant? (With a pink elephant gun?) No, you hold its trunk til it turns blue then shoot it with the blue elephant gun

Why do elephants paint their toenails red? (No clue...?) So they can hide in cherry trees

Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? (Of course not) Then clearly it works

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kriskidd21
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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Two inventors died and ascended to heaven. There, they met each other and with their brilliant minds created a brand new form of fire making utensil.

It was a match made in heaven.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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My daughter invented a writing instrument that never runs out of ink, never smudges and cures any other difficulties associated with writing...

It's a regular penacea!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
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So the other day I ordered some Kung Pao chicken, but I think it came with a side of pasta instead of rice

Orzo it seems

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebobstu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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LPT: If you don't want to buy sandwiches to your co-workers, just buy them with mistakes: Other kind of bread, other size...

Sorry, wrong sub

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Potato23860
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
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My 15 month old daughter has been saying "momma" and "dadda" a lot now, and I tried using this to my advantage...

Secretly (when my wife was out), I'd ask her "who do you love more?", and praise her when she said "dadda!". This has been going on for weeks now.

The other day, my wife got home and I wanted to show her my little 'trick'. So I asked our daughter, "Who do you love more?", in which case she replied "dadda!" and ran towards my wife (which is very clearly her favourite btw).

My wife, who didn't care much for the new thing I taught our daughter, bent down and picked her up to cuddle with her. Her facial expression changed a bit, then she laughed. She looked at me and said "well, she ran to me as she said that, and her diaper is full... so clearly she was full of crap when she said that!"

My wife is now in on the dad jokes and won this one!

Edit: Bolded the text to emphasize what part of this story was the dad joke...

Final Edit: My wife was surprised at how much this blew up! She says thanks to everyone, but she has no idea what the awards are for (since she doesn’t use Reddit). πŸ˜‚

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2021
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The other day, my hot friend told me he could sign a piece of paper with his hotness.

Me, being fed up with him always boasting, I asked," How could you even do that?"

With a smug smile plastered on his face, he replied," Thermal Signature."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RespectfulRat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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2 cowboys were riding along and one saw a tree with bacon dangling from the branches. One called out saying "Look a Bacon Tree!" As they went closer to have a look they were confronted with a sky full of arrows. The other cowboy yelled:

This is no Bacon Tree, this is a Ham Bush.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brendo20
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
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On Saturday, my son confronted me about why I spend time with him on only 1 day of the week, but I spend time with his sister every other day. I told him that I would take him to the movies tomorrow, and he asked if it was 'just because he asked'.

I told him, 'no, because it's Son Day'.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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A friend of mine said to me the other day "What rhymes with Orange?"

I said "No it doesn't."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiamondUnicorn
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2018
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Why shouldn't you put more than 239 beans in a soup?

Because adding just one more would make it too farty. Straight from my 7 year old daughter.

Edit: Thank you so much for the awards and upvotes. I showed my daughter how many people saw and appreciated her humor and she's extatic. I know she probably didn't come up with the joke herself but this was one of the first times she really got me with a good one and I thought I'd share it with some fellow dads and others.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oak05
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
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Things have been a bit tense with my wife, with both of us stuck in quarantine all the time. We even had an argument about herbs the other day.

To be honest, it was about thyme.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/whistlepoo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
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The waitress at our table tonight asked if we wanted kid's menus.

My wife said yes. I said we're happy with the kids we have, thank you. I then realized I could FEEL the desire to harmlessly embarrass my children in front of other people. It's happening!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/breaksomeshit
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2021
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Alright....time for a classic. The Ceo of Datsun was talking to his other high ranking workers when it had just been founded and said, you have 2 days to come up with a name for our company

The workers in a thick Japanese accent said DAT SOON

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BF1gamerz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
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My Dad asked for help with measuring but kept letting go of the other end of the tape measure

He was measuring my patience

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πŸ‘€︎ u/emu404
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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I’m afraid you have Tom Jones Disease

Don’t worry there are plenty of other people with it, It’s Not Unusual

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2021
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70% of people play with themselves in the shower do you know what the other 30% do?

I didnt think so...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hco81
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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A couple has two sons...

One named Amal and the other named Juan. But being young and not financially stable, they give them up for adoption. Years later, the mother gets in contact with the family that had adopted the boys. The adopted father pulls out a picture of Juan, and his the mother cries he's so grown up and handsome. "But what about my other son, don't you have a picture of him?" She asks. The father smiles, shrugs and tells her, "Oh but they're twins,if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

[On mobile. Also my dad used to tell me this joke, and it's been a long time since I heard so I may have messed up.]

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2021
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A vampire bat returned to his colony with a lot of blood on his face. When the other bats asked him what happened he pointed to a building and said: β€œSee that cow barn over there?”

β€œI didn’t.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingWilliamVI
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
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I hated my first experience of skydiving. I jumped out of the plane with the other person next to me.

Anyway, about halfway down he said, "So, how long have you been an instructor?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rednreditit
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
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Why are all of the other numbers disgusted with 288?

It's too gross.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joesdad65
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
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One for the car enthusiasts

One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner.

One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food.

The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point

He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth.

The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one point tool and his four point tool.

One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing.

The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool.

First he came upon the lion. "Lion, Lion!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?" "No." Replied the lion, "I have not seen your four point tool."

Then the chimp came upon the gorilla. "Gorilla, Gorilla!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?" "No." Replied the gorilla, "I have not seen your four point tool."

Then the chimp came upon the jaguar. "Jaguar, Jaguar!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"

"Yup!" replied the jaguar, "I've seen your four point tool."

"Well where is it?" inquired the chimp.

"I ate it." Said the jaguar, smugly.

"Why would you do that?" Cried the chimp.

"Because," replied the big cat, "I'm a four point tool eater jaguar!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/orcamarine
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2021
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I spent an hour cleaning a vacuum with a vacuum to make one of the vacuums suck more. This made the other one suck less, and therefore suck more. Now they both suck, more or less.

I couldn't find a home for this in r/Showerthoughts or r/WordAvalanches so I'm putting it here. I hope it doesn't suck.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drsetherz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2015
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I went to a restaurant with two friends the other day one of them ordered a rare steak and the other asked for a medium rare steak. When we got our food they had each other's steaks,

I then instinctively yelled "I guess this was just a big 'mistake'"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GriffinGelz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
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Just wanted to remind everyone of all the hard work the significant others of superheroes do. They deal with so much, have to be in their shadow, yet still stand by them...

They really are fucking heroes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Uingsz
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2019
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Doodled these on butcher paper with loads of other people, so sorry it's a bit messy imgur.com/gallery/p2jvff7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WllWtts
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2018
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1 out of three people struggle with math, the other one excels.
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
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So 3 roads walked into a bar

A length of freeway walked into a bar, and yelled out "I'm the meanest bit of road west of the Pesos, nobody wanna mess with me!"

Then some duplicated overpass walked into the bar. "Anybody think they're tough enough to take on this piece of transit infrastructure? Well, are ya?"

Finally a stretch of dual carriageway walked into the bar. "This bad boy is badder than all you weaklings, whaddya gonna do about it!"

As they were all glaring at each other in a Mexican standoff, some bicycle laneway walked into the bar, threw a chair out of the way and kicked over a table. "I'm the roughest, toughest, meanest, baddest piece of asphalt there is! You're all soft snowflakes! Ain't anyone who has the guts to take me on!"

The first three roadways all immediately turned to the bar and started meekly sipping their drinks, trying to look inconspicuous. The bartender asked them "What's the matter, are you going to let him get away with that? Why don't you stand up to him?"

"We aren't going to mess with him", they replied, "He's a real cycle path".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SurfingSherlock
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2021
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If someone ever throws something at the President of the United States during an important press conference with other world leaders, what should you scream?

DONALD DUCK!!!

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
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I just came up with this. I've never heard it but thinking about it, it is similar to other jokes. Wouldn't it be better to use Hittles instead of Missles?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GTBilly
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
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I recently got a new job!

A little bit of Background information:Β  When I was a young lad, my father was a professional glass cleaner.Β Β  Not just for a job, cleaning Glass was this man's passion!Β  He always wanted me to take over for him when I grew up, but I always thought it would be a pain, it was a silly job, really.Β Β  However, I knew that my father would be shattered if I didn't put an honest effort into the cleaning business.Β Β Β  The first time I perfectly cleaned a mirror, I realized I could really see myself doing this!Β Β  My father was wiping away tears of pride when I began to become as passionate as he was.

Anyways, fast forward to a couple months ago.Β Β  I have taken over my father's cleaning company, and was working a job at a publishing agency.Β  Now, due to the pandemic, this building had set up different entry points depending on the purpose of your visit, and each one was gated and stationed by an employee so you could have your temperature taken and go through a checklist to ensure you don't have any symptoms, etc.

After finishing the contract at this building, the owner was so impressed with my work that he said he would like to recommend me for a permanent job with a friend of his.Β Β  At first, I was skeptical (I had taken over the family business, after all), but it was becoming difficult to find regular clients anymore, so I agreed.Β Β Β  He gave me a single sheet from a notepad, and told me to write down something about myself that sets me apart from others in my line of work, and I should make it a very impactful statement,Β  his friend was a very busy man and wouldn't look at more than notes like these.Β Β Β  I wasn't sure what to write on the spot, so he told me to think about it, and return the note when I come back to leave the bill for my work.

So I came back a few days later, went through the gate to drop off my bill and my note about how I am much better than any other glass cleaner out there.Β Β Β  Well, it turns out the friend of the publishing agency's owner was a hiring manager for a well-known computer company, and my note really caught his eye, and I was offered the job!Β Β  Now I make more money every two weeks than I had with a month!Β Β  At first, I though my father would be upset by me leaving the family business behind, but he told me "As long as you are happy where you are, with what you are doing, then you are succeeding in life.Β  You are no longer a student of glass cleaning, you are my equal, and I am proud of you"Β  I never realized how freeing it

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/terjulmar
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
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Equine problems

2 girls are chatting, one isn't particularly bright and seems very deep in thought, the other asks what she's thinking about, the not so bright one says she has an issue, "I have had a horse for years and my parents have just bought me a new one which is virtually identical to the first and I'm struggling to work out which one is which." The friend suggested she try cutting the mane short on one horse making it easy to identify. The friend is over the moon and rushes away to try the suggestion. A few weeks pass and the friends meet up, The friend and how she got on with the mane cutting trick. "It was fine for the first couple of weeks but the mane grew back so I'm back to square one." The friend thinks for a while and suggests cutting the hair on the tail short making identification simple. Again the girl rushes off to try the suggestion. A few weeks later they meet again with much the same story, this time the friend suggests measuring the horses height to see if one is taller than the other. A few weeks later they meet up, the not so clever one is ecstatic and proceeds to tell her friend how it went. "It was amazing and I hadn't noticed but the black horse was 2 hands taller than the white one".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/orcamarine
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2021
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Not really a joke but the other day I told my daughter "doesn't 'bad...ass' sound like a person has a problem with their ass? Like it smells of farts". Now she can't hear the term "badass" in any context without giggling.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Special_KC
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2018
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The mathematician finally solved the Unsolvable Subtraction Problem theorem. All the other mathematicians could carry on with their work because of it.

He really made a difference.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2018
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What do you call a bunch of ghosts that agree with each other on everything?

An ectochamber

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Send_me_treasure
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2018
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Trump met the President of China the other day. Trump disagreed with him on some points, and it wasn't always clear who was right.

It was a clear case of "He said, Xi said."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zeptimius
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2017
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We grew up SO POOR I drank Nurse Pepper...

...she was an LPN.

We had a Don't Bother Checking account.

My first pet only had 3 legs, and it was a centipede.

Mom had one bra, and it was a lease.

For breakfast we ate Lieutenant Crunch.

My first spoon was monogrammed though ("1/2 TSP").

We were too poor to even say "awesome." We had to say "awefew."

We sat at the campfire and made S'Lesses.

My pillow only had one side.

Repossession was 9/10 of the law.

Five kids had to share one shoelace, and instead of toenails we grew toe staples.

Our scotch tape was scots-irish.

(I'm allowed)

My first shower came with sound effects and a lightshow.

One year Santa had to bring stockings.

The next year he filled them with nooses.

I did have a jumprope with a rattle on the end. And fangs on the other.

Other kids hunted eggs for Easter but we just died.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PM_YOUR_BLOOMERS
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
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