True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.

"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."

Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jewyouevenlift
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Irish dream come true
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/excuseme_wtf
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2018
🚨︎ report
If my wish doesn't come true, eyelash out
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/robjzh5
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a sandwich that makes dreams come true?

A SandWish

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HunterxhunterFan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
🚨︎ report
"Happiness does not fall out of the blue, and dreams will not come true by themselves."

That's what Xi said.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mortambulist
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
🚨︎ report
They told me that my dreams would come true when pigs could fly...

...Ten years later, my hog-shipping airmail business is doing great!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CoyoteBible
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2016
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FancyAlligator
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2022
🚨︎ report
I just took a swim in some orange soda

It was my greatest Fanta Sea come true

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2022
🚨︎ report
What do Jehovah’s Witnesses believe in, but never comes true?

That I will open the door.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2018
🚨︎ report
a marketing mistake

A small business owner walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How's business?" the bartender asks. "Horrible. We had quite a fiasco this week. I had a shipment come in containing 100 high-quality T-shirts that featured a glow-in-the-dark design of a 100 dollar bill on the front. They looked really cool in the catalog when we ordered them, but we didn't sell a single one all week," the business owner complains. "I guess it's true. Money doesn't glow on T's. "

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Firegoat1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2022
🚨︎ report
A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/808gecko808
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2021
🚨︎ report
It's the holiday season, and you know what THAT means.

...but in case you don't:

that pronoun (1) \ ˈt͟hat , t͟hΙ™t
plural those\ ˈt͟hōz
Definition of that

(Entry 1 of 5) 1a : the person, thing, or idea indicated, mentioned, or understood from the situation that is my father b : the time, action, or event specified after that I went to bed c : the kind or thing specified as follows the purest water is that produced by distillation d : one or a group of the indicated kind that's a catβ€”quick and agile 2a : the one farther away or less immediately under observation or discussion those are maples and these are elms b : the former one 3a β€”used as a function word after and to indicate emphatic repetition of the idea expressed by a previous word or phrase he was helpful, and that to an unusual degree b β€”used as a function word immediately before or after a word group consisting of a verbal auxiliary or a form of the verb be preceded by there or a personal pronoun subject to indicate emphatic repetition of the idea expressed by a previous verb or predicate noun or predicate adjective is she capable? She is that

4a : the one : the thing : the kind : something, anything the truth of that which is true the senses are that whereby we experience the world what's that you say b those plural : some persons those who think the time has come

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSolarJetMan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2021
🚨︎ report
A man is walking down the street...

...and as he looks across the road he sees a man with a giant orange head. The man with the giant orange head looks over and smiles, crossing the road to speak to the other man.

"I'm so sorry, "says the first man, "I didn't mean to stare at you!" "It's absolutely fine," says the man with the giant orange head, "Happens all the time. I bet you're wondering how I got this giant orange head." "Well, yes!" replied the first man. "Well...my grandmother died recently. She had been unwell for a long time and basically raised me as my parents had died when I was very young. She raised me alone as my grandfather had died before I was born. We didn't have very much but we were happy. I loved her very much. After her funeral, it was time to clear the house as it was rented and I wanted to move on anyway. I was up in the attic going through her papers and I saw this dusty old lamp. I lifted it, gave it a little rub and there was a huge flash. When I opened my eyes there was a strange looking man. It felt like he looked into my soul. 'I am the genie of the lamp' he said, 'and I grant you three wishes' I didn't believe him at first but deep within me I knew it was true. He asked me what my first wish was and clichΓ©d as it was, I said World Peace."

"Hahaha...how did that work out?" asked the first man.

"Well, " replied the man with the giant orange head, "have you heard of any wars or riots happening in the last few days?"

"Come to think of it, " said the first man, "You're right. The news has been pretty positive! Wow! That's amazing. So what did you choose for your second wish?"

"I gave it a few minutes thought this time " smiled the man with the giant orange head, "and remembering how poor we were, I wished for an unending supply of money."

"Did it work??" asked the first man.

"It did!" replied the man with the giant orange head, "here's Β£10,000 from my pocket. Enjoy it, I've got as much as I want."

"Wow, thank you so much!" said the first man, "that's incredibly generous of you, I don't know what to say! Oh wait! What did you ask for for your third wish?"

"I wished for a giant orange head."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GothamCityCop
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2021
🚨︎ report
If possible, I'd love to be Destined to get engaged to one of the most famous American singer and actress

If my dream does come true, I'll proudly call her my B-iancΓ© (BeyoncΓ©)

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/comatose_papaya
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2021
🚨︎ report
My son took my joke and turned it in to a long con prank. So proud!

True story. Yesterday he and I were peeling mangoes to make popsicles and ice cream. The peeler caught the tip of my finger and cut my nail just to bleeding short. So I yelled ow! And everyone said what!?

I showed them my finger and as they cringed I said - well I guess whoever gets the fingernail wins a prize!

Grossed out and groaning at the dad joke everyone walked away.

So the fingernail did not come off no one will really get it…but… wait for it… my son (11) in true +1 dad style humor says I’m going to put a piece of rice in one! I said oh son that is so good let’s put a piece of rice in each of them!

I was floored and I can’t wait for people to hit the rice grain while licking their popsicles and remembering β€œthe fingernail”!

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/leyline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Got this from r/technicallythetruth had to share here of course

Man 1: With great power comes great electricity bill.

Man 2: Watt a powerful message

Full Kudos to the original post below

https://i.imgur.com/EAkxfPC.png

https://www.reddit.com/r/technicallythetruth/comments/o9ehn7/shockingly_true/

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nefarious_Stew
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2021
🚨︎ report
I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up…

Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Dad'.

With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad.

She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.

She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.

I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home!"

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2017
🚨︎ report
Change

I was coming out of a corner shop and this homeless person came up to me and said "Any change?"
I looked at myself up and down and said.. "Nope, still the same"

True story :D

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Virhil
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2021
🚨︎ report
An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"

He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.

"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."

The man continues to keep his cool.

"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!"

He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.

"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.

The spy smirks.

"But I still think you American spy."

The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.

He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"

The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.

The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.

After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.

In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."

The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.

"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"

The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."

πŸ‘︎ 85
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I just wish I could sleep through the night.

It would be a dream come true.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/timmayd
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Cowboy Boots

A woman went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked him if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me for mah services before."

"Don't be flattered," she said. "Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
🚨︎ report
The best pun I ever made, true story:

I had recently joined a band as their bassist, whose previous bassist was very punny and also had a long beard like me.

I had made some unmemorable pun, and the guitarist said, "Goddamn it, puns must be related to beards."

I said, "With great length comes greatest pun ability."

Swear to god this is true. Only two people witnessed it. I want you all to be my witnesses.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I said "kansas" like "kansaw" like you know, how "arkansas" is pronounced, and once my bf told me the truth, i spent my life seeing who would correct me and it wasnt suprising.

I was told a long time ago your true friends will be honest with you, especially if it's not something that will hurt your feelings really bad.

So this life long joke of "kansaw" was only ever corrected by boyfriends, best friends, and family. Others were people thinking i meant "warsaw" in which i frantically said oh no no no!

I made a point to be say this one main line like "omg can a tornado in kansaw just suck me out of this"

"Maybe i should move to Kansaw where its just wind and tornadoe shelters"

I tried to make it come up organically as possible though.

But the other times where people said nothing, some of these people good friends, now have a joke behind my back but i had it behind their backs first....

Life is fun

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ashhtreeee
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you know mythological creatures have their own dentist's office?

It's true, I saw it today and they were suuuuuuper busy! The waiting room was packed, and every time the orderly would come out to call in another patient, the half-man-half-horse would get all excited; "is it my turn now? oh, pick me, pick me!" and all that jazz. Of course, every time it was actually someone else's turn; the Kraken, or the Minotaur, or the Chupacabra. Eventually it seemed to get on the Satyr's nerves, because he yelled over "pipe down, Mike, we're all sick of you needing to be the Centaur of attention!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mrbadxampl
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
🚨︎ report
The real origin of the sauce called Worcestershire

While it's true it was invented by a restaurant owner in Worcestershire, he couldn't come up with a catchy name. Serving it to a customer, the owner asked them how they liked their dinner. The customer replied, "It was delicious! What's this here sauce?"

Personal note: this is an authentic dad joke from my dad.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/danno49
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
🚨︎ report
True Story About Owl Nutririon

True story. My wife feeds a number of squirrels on our patio in back of our house. Has done this for years.

Coming home from the grocery store today, this was our conversation.

Her: The other day I saw an owl land in a tree near the back of our house. So I made noises to make the squirrels run and hide.

Me: Well, I'm sure the owl is just looking for three squirrel meals a day.

Her: GROAN...! I can't believe I set you up like that!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
🚨︎ report
How far can I get...

(True Dad Joke Story)

My friend and I were coming back from golfing on what felt like the hottest day of the year when he got a flat tire on the freeway. We get out, sweat our butts off, and change the tire. I wasn’t sure how far we could go on the spare and I called my dad to see what he thought...

ME: β€œHow far can we get on a donut?”

DAD: β€œHmmm I’d probably say till lunch time!”

Needless to say I was not amused at the time - my dad thought he was a genius.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SoobieWRX
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Dads United

The approval rating of dad jokes in my household has fallen farther and harder than Hans off Nakatomi in my household of late. Not to be a big baby, but it's been really disheartening for me.

We all know our dad jokes can get tiring and annoying; that's part of the point. True masters carefully toe the line between just enough and too much, and to great effect. We do it because we genuinely want to bring joy to those around us with almost child-like mirth.

Not be able to share that with my family lately has been disappointing.

But coming to this sub warms my heart. So thank you to all of you here.

I am very grateful. #obligatoryset-up;)

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sherwoodsteele
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Last night my child dreamt that he was peeing in bed.

Good news: Some dreams do come true.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2018
🚨︎ report
A car cruising down a rural country suddenly backfires.

As the engine sputters and shuts down the woman driving the car steers toward a nearby driveway and honks the horn hoping to get the attention of a guy herding cattle in the distance. Sure enough within a minute the man has ridden his horse over to her. He dismounts and gives a happy β€œHello! Sounds like you’re having some car trouble. Can I help at all?” The woman replies that she’s not sure what happened but that she would love some help. They pop the hood and the man says he thinks he can fix the problem but has to run back to his barn to get some tools. The cows have come to see what’s going on and as the farmer gets ready to leave he says β€œDon’t worry about your car. I’ll have it running in a few minutes. Just head over there to the shade of the tree by the fence. The cows are all friendly. Bessy there likes to have her ear rubbed, Albert likes to look at people, and Mare will just moo a grand ole tune.” All of it is true and within 20 minutes the woman is happily sitting in her car with the engine running better than before. β€œThank you so much, you’re a life saver,” she says. The man smiles and lets out a big laugh before saying β€œI’m glad I could help. But I’m no life saver. I’m just a jolly rancher.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/foyeldagain
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I had a dream last night that I posted the best Dad joke ever on Reddit,

Thanks for making my dream come true.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I had a dream last night where I got mugged, beaten, and left for dead.

Then I fortunately woke up. But if i’m ever getting mugged and beaten in real life, I’m going to say, β€œoh my god! this is a dream come true!”

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DecentPlastic
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife told me she was constipated...

I said "Don't worry, Halloween is coming soon." She asked me what difference that made. I said "Well something will probably scare the shit out of you." :D True story!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HumboltQuadrant
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my own dad with this one.

I was downloading a few things on the XBox one day, and my dad started mildly complaining about how I was slowing down his internet connection. Generally I'm not funny enough to come up with on the spot jokes, but "First come, first server." is the exception to that. Bonus: I was talking about dreams with my parents one morning and I mentioned that I had recently had a dream where dad died. Dad instantly deadpanned with "One day, all your dreams will come true."

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/missphoenix
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2015
🚨︎ report
Guess I'm never going to wine tasting again.

Instructor: Only true champagne comes from Champagne Italy, everything else is called sparkling wine.

raise my hand

Me: where are these ones from?

Instructor: Those three are from California.

Me: So the rest of these are just Sham-pagnes?

Whole room groans, gf says she's never taking me to these again.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DirtyMcCurdy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2015
🚨︎ report
Here's a long one, it won't disappoint.

My dad's favorite joke of all time (there are many variations, and of course, even more extended versions):

These three guys went to South America to explore the rain forest. The guide was leading them through explaining the different plants and animals. After awhile they started to hear this really loud sound.

whoosh

whoosh

whoosh

The men, kind of scared, asked the guide what the noise was.

"What the hell is that noise?"

"Oh, that's just the Foo bird."

"The Foo bird?"

"Yes, it's a giant bird, and the locals believe that if it poops on you, wiping it off will cause instant death."

"That's silly."

"Well, that's what the locals say."

The noise gets louder and closer.

WHOOSH

WHOOSH

WHOOSH

The men look up in the sky and see a glimpse of the Foo bird.

"It's huge!"

Suddenly...

SPLAT

All four of the men are covered with bird shit. The guide pulls a cloth out of his pocket and wipes the shit off of his face. He drops dead.

The first of the three men says, "that's got to be a coincidence."

He wipes the shit off, and drops dead.

The second guy nervously says, "it can't be true"

He wipes it off and drops dead.

The third guy doesn't wipe it off. He was found a few days later, and went home, refusing to be cleaned.

A few years pass, his life has been destroyed due to being covered in shit. His wife left him, his friends won't come near him, he can't find a job... One day, he's in the bathroom shaving around the shit.

"It's been years, most of it has flaked off, it's probably fine to wipe it off now."

He hesitates, but eventually grabs a towel, wets it down, and takes a deep breath.

He wipes the shit off, looks up into the mirror smiling, then drops dead.

The moral of the story is:

If the Foo shits, wear it.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fire_marshall_ill
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2013
🚨︎ report
Sour cream container came with its own dad joke

"Creams do come true"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_ze_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2015
🚨︎ report
My coworker got me

So I work with a lot of spanish speakers at my job (many thanks to whomever uploaded the "I don't Bolevia you" joke, we have had many a laugh with that), one of them comes up to me today and calls me a gringo

I said back, in spanish, "yea I guess I can't say that's not true" (I am very white)

He goes "nonono" and points at my green shirt and says "you are a greengo"

I had a good laugh and he was (rightfully) proud of himself

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Something_Syck
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2015
🚨︎ report
My grandfather was driving in Florida...

after making a U turn, when he was pulled over by a cop.

The cop comes up to his window and said, "sir, you're driving the wrong way on this side of the road! Didn't you see the arrow?"

Without hesitating my grandfather replied "Arrow? I didn't even see the Indian!"

(This was in the late 70's so excuse the tactlessness! And was a true story, according to my dad, who was apparently in the car).

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/calinet6
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2014
🚨︎ report
From the latest issue of Dexter's Laboratory...

http://i.imgur.com/M0hPE5W.jpg

Context: Dexter invented a machine that made the wearer's dreams come true, his wish was to get rid of his sister Deedee.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ScarySpencer
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2014
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house

They snuck from their beds in the middle of the night and met in the gloomy darkness in front of the house, shivering in the cold.

The first boy said in a loud whisper, "You guys bring anything?" He slid a gun out of his pocket. The second boy nodded and revealed a knife. The third boy pulled out a flashlight.

"You didn't bring a weapon?" the first boy asked. He shrugged and replied, "Sorry". And as if to prove it, he turned his pockets out to show nothing but stray lint and a pack of cough drops.

They crept in. The door shut behind them. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. The flash light clicked on. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door on the other side, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a dead body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They found a fully set, ornate dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal goblets, pitchers and silverware adorned the table. Spiders crept over ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hel

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 99
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.