True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.

"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."

Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jewyouevenlift
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I found a lamp that said that if I rubbed it, a genie would come out and grant me three wishes, but when I did it nothing happened

I must have rubbed him the wrong way

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cristidablu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2021
🚨︎ report
What type of fish only comes out at night?

A starfish

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/THPSROCKS
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?

He musta had a vowel movement.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2021
🚨︎ report
As a kid I could walk into a store with a dollar and come out with 2 candy bars and a bag of chips

And now they have cameras.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flebrolo
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2021
🚨︎ report
My sister didn’t want to come out of the closet

So I had to break the door down

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EpicWinterWolf
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2021
🚨︎ report
I hear she has really come out of her shell.
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SmacySmo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report
When trans boys come out...

They need to get something off their chest

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Transfem_Alt
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
🚨︎ report
If you’re Russian when you go in the washroom and you’re Finnish when you come out, what are you when you’re in there?

European!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sdrawkcabsecnad
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.

He’s my spirit guide.

Edit: Thanks guys.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of horses only come out at night?

Nightmares.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arish666
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
When it comes to decorating the Christmas tree, I've got a leg up on the competition. My cat says I passed out under the tree again, but I told her to stop pulling my leg.
πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stalnoypirat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I ran out of gas on the side of the road. Along comes a swarm of bees.

I was confused, but they seemed friendly. I told them what was going on, and they said: open the gas cap. One by one, each bee flew into the tank, and to my astonishment the gas gage went from empty to full. The bees said: start the car. So, I did and it ran. I asked them: what did you put in the tank? Bee pee.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I probably won't see Wonder Woman 1984 when it comes out.

I still haven't seen Wonder Woman 2 through 1983.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tvkyle
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What goes in hard then comes out soft?

Bubble gum

"See ya later said the blind man!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MikeHoncho303
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
What will happen if your kid comes out as a trans?

You become transparent

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awkward_guy92
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
How does a chemist come out of the closet?

-"mom, dad, im made of gallium and yttrium"

-"what?"

-"im GaY"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rozsaszin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
If you're American when you go in the bathroom and American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you're in the bathroom?

European.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Joke from my great uncle: You know that movie "Constipation" that was supposed to come out this year?

It didn't.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Facist_Potato
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did Episodes 4, 5 and 6 come out before 1, 2 and 3?

In charge of scheduling Yoda was.

πŸ‘︎ 597
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rdldew
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Guess he’ll Bβ™­out of luck come band class
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Balzar7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Why don’t drummers come out of retirement?

Too many repercussions

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mcdolsa
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My boss asked me, "Why do you come out in rashes every time I give you your wages ?"

I said, "Because I am allergic to peanuts."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the 'A' go to the bathroom and come out an 'E'?

It had a vowel movement.

πŸ‘︎ 984
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Pansexuals shouldn’t come out of the closet

They should come out of the pantry

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/husselite
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Google is set to come out with a new browser that manages search results based solely on your DNA

Set to be called the Google Chromosome.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pikindaguy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

πŸ‘︎ 149
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What's Irish and comes out in the spring?

Paddy O'Furniture

πŸ‘︎ 80
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
🚨︎ report
So we've been challenged by Little Mart, Forster, NSW to a board off. Who will come out on top?
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
🚨︎ report
my party trick is swallowing two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together....

i shit you knot!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mznalouise22
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
You go into the bathroom American, and you come out American... What are you when you're in the bathroom?

European

I figured we could all use a light hearted chuckle right about now.

Love you all out there and stay well!

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/guitarman1103
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
If a drummer comes out of retirement...

If a drummer comes out of retirement, will there be repercussions?

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/capngloval
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I glanced up, called my daughter over to the computer and said, "Hey, you like jokes right? Come here and check this one out!"

1

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report
So we've been challenged by Little Mart, Forster, NEW to a board off. Who will come out on top?
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
🚨︎ report
It's been a lifelong dream of mine to live in a house with my own clone. But the science has just come out that most people would hate dealing with someone identical to them.

I just don't think I can live with myself after hearing that.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrFillywonk
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Two rich dudes were hanging out in a bar. One said to the other, "Hey, you wanna come to my square island?"

The other responded "Four shore!"

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedBluemann
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I got a buddy that keeps getting kicked out of bars but he always comes back

Good old Boomer Aang

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Got told this one is scouts a long time ago. If you’re Russian when you’re walking in the bathroom and German when you come out, what are you while you’re in the bathroom?

European

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MPT1313
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?

Yoda: In charge of scheduling, I was.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and wet?

Chewing gum !

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
If you're Canadian when you go into the bathroom and again when you come out.. What are you whilst you're in there?

European

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rare_Breed721
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What goes in long and hard, then comes out soft and wet?

Pasta you pervert

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yaklshakl
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order: 456123?

In charge of the sequence. Yoda was.

πŸ‘︎ 380
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
🚨︎ report
If I swallow two pieces of strings, they will come out the other end tied together

I shit you knot.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/K3VLOL99
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
If you're American when you go in the restroom and you're American when you come out. What are you when you're in the rest room?

European

πŸ‘︎ 939
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Magic_Milkman
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E?

Because he had a vowel movement.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/howiewu0402
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report

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