True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
I found a lamp that said that if I rubbed it, a genie would come out and grant me three wishes, but when I did it nothing happened
I must have rubbed him the wrong way
What type of fish only comes out at night?
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He musta had a vowel movement.
As a kid I could walk into a store with a dollar and come out with 2 candy bars and a bag of chips
And now they have cameras.
My sister didn’t want to come out of the closet
So I had to break the door down
I hear she has really come out of her shell.
When trans boys come out...
They need to get something off their chest
If you’re Russian when you go in the washroom and you’re Finnish when you come out, what are you when you’re in there?
Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.
He’s my spirit guide.
Edit: Thanks guys.
What kind of horses only come out at night?
When it comes to decorating the Christmas tree, I've got a leg up on the competition. My cat says I passed out under the tree again, but I told her to stop pulling my leg.
I ran out of gas on the side of the road. Along comes a swarm of bees.
I was confused, but they seemed friendly. I told them what was going on, and they said: open the gas cap. One by one, each bee flew into the tank, and to my astonishment the gas gage went from empty to full. The bees said: start the car. So, I did and it ran. I asked them: what did you put in the tank? Bee pee.
I probably won't see Wonder Woman 1984 when it comes out.
I still haven't seen Wonder Woman 2 through 1983.
What goes in hard then comes out soft?
Bubble gum
"See ya later said the blind man!"
What will happen if your kid comes out as a trans?
How does a chemist come out of the closet?
-"mom, dad, im made of gallium and yttrium"
-"what?"
-"im GaY"
If you're American when you go in the bathroom and American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you're in the bathroom?
Joke from my great uncle: You know that movie "Constipation" that was supposed to come out this year?
Why did Episodes 4, 5 and 6 come out before 1, 2 and 3?
In charge of scheduling Yoda was.
Guess he’ll B♭out of luck come band class
Why don’t drummers come out of retirement?
My boss asked me, "Why do you come out in rashes every time I give you your wages ?"
I said, "Because I am allergic to peanuts."
Why did the 'A' go to the bathroom and come out an 'E'?
Pansexuals shouldn’t come out of the closet
They should come out of the pantry
Google is set to come out with a new browser that manages search results based solely on your DNA
Set to be called the Google Chromosome.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
What's Irish and comes out in the spring?
So we've been challenged by Little Mart, Forster, NSW to a board off. Who will come out on top?
my party trick is swallowing two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together....
You go into the bathroom American, and you come out American... What are you when you're in the bathroom?
European
I figured we could all use a light hearted chuckle right about now.
Love you all out there and stay well!
If a drummer comes out of retirement...
If a drummer comes out of retirement, will there be repercussions?
I glanced up, called my daughter over to the computer and said, "Hey, you like jokes right? Come here and check this one out!"
So we've been challenged by Little Mart, Forster, NEW to a board off. Who will come out on top?
It's been a lifelong dream of mine to live in a house with my own clone. But the science has just come out that most people would hate dealing with someone identical to them.
I just don't think I can live with myself after hearing that.
Two rich dudes were hanging out in a bar. One said to the other, "Hey, you wanna come to my square island?"
The other responded "Four shore!"
I got a buddy that keeps getting kicked out of bars but he always comes back
Got told this one is scouts a long time ago. If you’re Russian when you’re walking in the bathroom and German when you come out, what are you while you’re in the bathroom?
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?
Yoda: In charge of scheduling, I was.
What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and wet?
If you're Canadian when you go into the bathroom and again when you come out.. What are you whilst you're in there?
What goes in long and hard, then comes out soft and wet?
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order: 456123?
In charge of the sequence. Yoda was.
If I swallow two pieces of strings, they will come out the other end tied together
If you're American when you go in the restroom and you're American when you come out. What are you when you're in the rest room?
Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E?
Because he had a vowel movement.
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