True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
What do u call a boomerang that doesnt come back!??? (Its not stick)
I tried to come up with a pun about carpentry, but it’s harder than it sounds.
Almost nothing wood work.
If you come to a line of cats, why do you have to pay to cross it?
Because it's a feline.
My family doesn't appreciate my humor.
How come they call a place where horses are kept a "stable"…
And not a neigh-bourhood?
Earth Day comes once a year, but...
Sunday comes once a week.
I come from a family of magicians.
I’ve finally come up with a chronology joke.
How do you defend yourself from a gang of clowns that come at you?
I'm a utilitarian when it comes to social media.
The ends justify the memes.
What happens when you die and come back as a cowboy?
What’s long, surprisingly bigger then expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from
What do you call a skidmark that won't come out?
Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.
He’s my spirit guide.
Edit: Thanks guys.
I was trying come up with a series of jokes about Legos
But I never managed to put a set together.
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing...
But this is as close as I could get.
Yet another from my 10 year old: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
There’s two old men sitting on their front porch when a dog comes up and starts licking it’s junk
One of the old men goes, man I wish I could do that.
The other says, you can’t do that. That dog’ll bite you.
You’ll do a lot of dumb things in your youth, son, and that’s okay, because most of the consequences won’t follow you into adulthood. But you know what will always come back to haunt you?
I toiled for hours trying to come up with a good joke about airplanes.
In the end, I felt like the punchline would just go over everybody's head.
It took me over 6 months to come up with a joke about calendars and clocks.
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
My son asked me "where does poo come from?" I was a little flustered, but did my best to explain about food, stomach, intestines, digestion, etc.
He looked confused, then stared at me in stunned silence. After a few seconds he asked "And Tigger?"
When my son was born, I was struggling to come up with a name, so I asked a nurse for a cuppa tea...
When she got back, I asked how warm it is. She replied back with "Luke warm". And that is how earl gray got his name. (Not sure if this one is a dad joke)
I went to my best friend's wedding today. He is an awesome fisher. I like him a lot and always come with the finest catch.
But something is very fishy with his new betrouthed.
I was told to come up with a pun about my surroundings...
I was sitting down, so all the puns I thought of were chairrible
I was tasked to come up with a great pun for a new launch of Microsoft Office, I thought I’d come up with a great one.
But my publisher told me that word games are not what I excel at.
When it comes to decorating the Christmas tree, I've got a leg up on the competition. My cat says I passed out under the tree again, but I told her to stop pulling my leg.
I come up with a really lame two word gay joke the other day that i was afraid my gay mate might find offensive
A guy’s Mom comes to visit him at his job at the aquarium where she finds him feeding a baby dolphin. She says look at you, you were smart. You could have had a real job, really done some good for the world. Her son snapped back,...
Hey, my job serves a youthful porpoise!
I was hired to come up with a slogan for 2020 that is just as catchy as Click It or Ticket
I chose Mask It or Casket
I once debated a flat earthed. He got me so mad I stormed off, saying I'd come back around eventually.
You could say I went over the edge.
I ran out of gas on the side of the road. Along comes a swarm of bees.
I was confused, but they seemed friendly. I told them what was going on, and they said: open the gas cap. One by one, each bee flew into the tank, and to my astonishment the gas gage went from empty to full. The bees said: start the car. So, I did and it ran. I asked them: what did you put in the tank? Bee pee.
A doctor is giving medical treatment when a nurse comes in saying that they need the doctor in another room. The nurse told the guy getting medical treatment to wait.
I come from a musical house
I know Reddit has servers that all of our jokes are stored in, but I’ve come up with a better solution
I pulled a muscle while trying to come up with some synonyms.
How come you can never hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
What will happen if your kid comes out as a trans?
I can't believe chickens haven't come up with a new sound yet
Maybe they should start thinking outside the bawks
What do you call when you come across a lizard and a parrot?
I'm trying to come up with a good tree pun
I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs
What do you call a Boomerang that doesn’t come back.
If I die and come back as a cowboy...
It would be reintarnation
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
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