A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
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︎ Apr 09 2021
A man called 911 after his 76 year old mother wandered out of the family home during the night. When asked what she had been wearing and if she had any personally identifying features about her, he advised she was barefoot, half naked and had a visible scar from her hysterectomy.
The dispatcher replied, โSo... no shirt, no shoes, no cervix?โ
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︎ Mar 13 2021
A man attends a funeral for his best friend. He approaches the grieving widow, gestures to the podium and asks; "May I say a word?" The widow responds "Of course.."
The man stands up and speaks "Plethora." and steps back down.
"Thank you..." says the Widow, "that really means a lot."
EDIT The responses here are incredible! ๐
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︎ Apr 28 2021
My elderly neighbor had some landscapers take care of his lawn every weekend for several years. Recently, he hired a new crew, but forgot to fire the old crew. So this weekend they both showed up to mow his lawn, and got into a fight over who should be there.
He had no idea he had started a turf war.
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︎ Sep 16 2020
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, โLarry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?โ
Larry replies, โGod and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so Heโs fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When Iโm done, poof! The light goes off.โ
โWow, thatโs incredible,โ the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larryโs wife.
โBonnie,โ he says, โLarry is doing fine! But I had to call you because Iโm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when heโs done, poof, the light goes off?โ
โOh sweet Jesusโ, exclaims Bonnie. โHeโs peeing in the refrigerator again!โ
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︎ Nov 03 2020
My friend and his girlfriend have been together for 5 years, and Iโve heard neither of them ever tell a joke.
They are in a very serious relationship.
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︎ Sep 27 2020
The local bartender moved his pub to the summit of a mountain and the quality of his drinks improved
He really raised the bar on that one
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︎ Apr 12 2021
An elderly inventor was becoming depressed with his life: his hearing was failing, his wife was always nagging him, he hadn't invented anything good in years, and his former good looks had been replaced by wrinkles and sagging skin.
He goes to the doctor to discuss his depression. When he arrives back home he has a huge smile on his face. He rushed past his wife and heads into the basement, where he immediately starts tinkering with a brand new invention.
His wife comes downstairs, gives the invention a once-over, then asks "What on earth is this thing, and how this supposed to help your depression?".
"Honey, the doctor told me working on this should have me feeling better in no time!" replies the man. He then proceeds to describe in detail how the machine cracks eggs, steams them, and flips them out onto a plate in under a minute, all at the touch of a button.
"But what on earth does this have to do with your depression? What did that quack doctor tell you to do?" asks the wife
The man replies: "He told me to work on my self egg-steam".
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︎ Apr 17 2021
I know that I've told y'all this before, but after not turning in his assignments and not coming to class all school year...
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︎ Apr 13 2021
My Father will be releasing a new brand of giant breath mints later this year. He said it will be named after his children!
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︎ Mar 26 2021
A man bursts into his therapist's office and yells, "Doc, you gotta help me! I keep dreaming that I'm stuck inside a deck of cards!"
The therapist looks up from his paperwork, looks at the man, and says, "I'm busy at the moment, so I'll deal with you later."
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︎ Apr 16 2021
Asked my 2 and a half year old what he wanted his name to be.
He pointed to the coffee table where we have a bag of candy and said "M&M!!!"
Guess I have to call him Slim Shady from now on...
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︎ Mar 20 2021
I canโt believe itโs been more than 100 years since Einstein published his Theory of Relativity.
It seems like just yesterday.
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︎ Mar 14 2021
My 4-year-old got crumbs in his eye and started rubbing his eye. He said it didn't hurt much and I said "Oh, so it's just a little irritating?"
He said "No, it's eye-itating."
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︎ Mar 19 2021
What did the farmer say when all of his haystacks were stolen?
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︎ Apr 22 2021
Because of the covid-19 lockdowns, every morning for the past year, I announce proudly to my family that Iโm going for a jogโฆ and then I donโt.
Itโs my longest running joke of the year.
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︎ May 13 2021
As kids, dad used to take his glass of milk and wave it across our face before taking a sip because...
He likes his milk "past-your-eyes"
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︎ May 03 2021
Man goes to his psychiatrist and says, "I keep thinking I'm a French pair of shoes."
Psychiatrist says, "What makes you chasseur?"
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︎ Apr 29 2021
True story: many years ago I adopted a new dog. Took him to his first visit to the vet.
The lady at the vet: โwhatโs his name?โ
Me: โThe shelter told me his name is Tobyโ
Her: โWell, what does he think his name is?โ
Me: โ........ Kunte Kinteโ
She didnโt get it. Once in a lifetime joke wasted.
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︎ Apr 14 2021
What did the monster say to his son after he hadnโt seen him for years?
โMy how you gruesomeโ
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︎ Apr 21 2021
I bought my 10 year old son an acoustic guitar yesterday and he has mastered 3 chords already.
So now the full Oasis songbook is covered he's moved on to a new one.
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︎ May 11 2021
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. Nurse asked the rabbit what his blood type is
He replied " I am probably a Type O"
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︎ Mar 18 2021
A soldier in WW2 was shot in the chest and the bullet was stopped by a stack of quarters in his pocket.
He said it was his life savings.
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︎ Mar 27 2021
My wife and I just celebrated 10 years of happy marriage...
It was coincidentally our 30th wedding anniversary.
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︎ Feb 15 2021
My 8 year old nephew attended his first wedding. But his cousin had a question for his after the ceremony.
"Hey, how many women can a guy marry?"
"16!"
"How did you figure that out."
"Simple. I just listen to the minister and added them up: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer. That's 16!
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︎ Mar 29 2021
Why did the student throw a 64 pack of Crayola crayons at his art teacher after he was done with his test?
He wanted to pass with flying colors.
I thought of that myself.
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︎ May 13 2021
My 8 year old son asked me to buy him two axes for his birthday...
I told him ok, Iโd get him an X and a Y... my 12 year old cracked up, the 8 year old was confused. I still look at it as a win.
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︎ Feb 24 2021
My dad had a piece of skin from his shoulder grafted to his nose today. I'm just glad he'll always have a shoulder to cry on.
I also told him "now you'll be able to put your nose up at someone and give them the cold shoulder at the same time"
He thought I was "very punny"
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︎ May 13 2021
This year, my friend decided to play his string instrument with a neck and a deep round back enclosing a hollow cavity, with a sound hole in the body at the voting booths...
He was arrested for ear poll-lute-tion.
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︎ Jan 24 2021
My son dropped and broke his violin
My son dropped and broke his violin
But I fixed it with some cellotape.
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︎ May 10 2021
A fungus was kicked out of his colony and asked why ... his friend replied:
You just donโt fit the mould.
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︎ Apr 03 2021
Thousand and thousands of years ago, during the last ice age, there lived an animal that excelled at trigonometry, geometry, and could recite Pi to 100 decimal places. It was known simply as.....
.....the mammothematician.
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︎ Apr 25 2021
What did Darth Vader say when his car broke down 3 miles outside of town?
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︎ May 04 2021
I was walking past the river today and this guy asked me if his rod looked good. Then, he asked if I liked his net. When he continued on and asked if I was impressed by the amount of fish he had caught, I finally lost it and shouted...
"Hey buddy, quit fishing for compliments!"
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︎ Jan 24 2021
What does the god of thunder get when he drops his hammer?
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︎ May 08 2021
Hi, I'm Poseidon. Just had to share this. I'm so proud of my boy. He's already working on his Christmas cards for this year, and I walked by and noticed what he was writing in each one.
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︎ Jul 26 2020
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, โA beer please, ..."
"... and one for the road."
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︎ Sep 15 2020
An electrician came home very late when night and his wife said
"Wire you insulate"
And he replied "Watts it to you? I'm Ohm ain't I?"
This is the first Dad joke I remember hearing, and it came from my older brother.
(We're not grading for quality here, right?)
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︎ Apr 08 2021
I swapped all of my roomates herbs with his spices
He hasnt noticed yet, but the thyme is cumin
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︎ Apr 21 2021
Barack Obama went to a costume party giving his wife a piggyback. Someone asks what he is and says "I'm a snail!"
"That's M'Shell on my back!"
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︎ Jan 25 2021
One of my friends slipped in the bed of his truck and knocked himself out....
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︎ Mar 05 2021
A reporter interviewed a 103-year old woman: โAnd what is the best thing about being 103?โ the reporter asked.
The woman simply replied, โNo peer pressure.โ
๐︎ 6k
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︎ Feb 12 2021
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
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︎ May 03 2021
My dad fell down the stairs and broke his arm.
He couldn't stop laughing though, it was a humerus situation.
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︎ May 04 2021
My friend and his girlfriend have been together for 5 years, but I have never heard either of them tell a joke.
They are in a very serious relationship.
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︎ Dec 13 2020
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