I told him, "well, this time, you should."
once had a doubt. Ghee, I'll show myself out.
He scored a home run every single at bat, and always the exact same way. Way over right field, too high for anyone to reach, and it always landed in exactly the 17th row of the stands, give or take a couple feet.
He earned the nickname “the machine” for how consistently he hit the exact same spot every time. Right field, 17th row, every single time. He did this for 20 years before he retired. Tickets to the 2-3 seats that the ball always landed on sold for over $2k a pop by the time he retired because you were guaranteed at least a couple home run balls.
And the day he retired a reporter asked him “How does it feel to be retiring as the greatest hitter of all time?”
Hugh just looked at the reporter puzzled. “What do you mean?” He said.
The reporter clarified “literally over 5,000 times you went to the plate and hit a home run to right field, 17th row of the stands!”
Hugh looked dejected and disappointed “yeah, my greatest failure...”
“What do you mean?” Said the reporter incredulously.
Hugh let’s out a long sigh, and looked down at the ground quietly for a moment before finally speaking.
“I’ve been aiming left this whole time”
She still treats me like number two.
To clarify, WHO let the dogs out
I said, “Thanks for clarifying.”
"No I melted some butter"
"Thanks for clarifying"
Yesterday was my dad's birthday, and he turned 52. I called him to wish him a happy birthday, find out what he wanted to do for dinner, etc, all the stuff you do on someone's birthday.
Then I said, "You're only ten years away from your one-minute birthday!"
He seemed confused so I had to clarify... "You know, your... Sixty-Second birthday!"
I could hear the cringe through the phone, and I heard my fiancée groan from downstairs.
Now I just have to hope he forgets over the next ten years so I can make this joke again.
The dad splits up from the boys in the morning, leaving them the task of getting food for the day.
The boys chance upon a patch full of peas - they have enough for all three meals and to pelt each other with.
Reuniting at the end of the day, the dad asks how it went.
“We played with each other’s peas!” The little one chimes in.
Just a little displeased, dad asks him sternly to clarify.
“We gathered peas, he meant.” Added the middle boy.
“Okay, and what did you have for breakfast?”
“Pea soup.”
“Lunch?”
“Pea soup.”
The boys started sniggering.
“What’s so funny? And what about dinner?”
“Nothing dad. We had pea soup too.”
“Well, that doesn’t seem like much. What did you do all evening?”
Bursting out laughing, they all said:
“Pee soup.”
"Dad, I'm not feeling well."
"Well does your face hurt?
"No, why?"
"Because it's killing me!"
Every minor ailment since I could speak.
Sometimes I have to say to my friends that I'm gonna go make some dad sounds. My mind goes to throat clearing but I have to clarify to my friend that that doesn't mean opening and closing a door to go get cigarettes.
“Stop interrupting! It’s not your story, it’s ‘history.’”
Edit: not sure how to express the pun of the word ‘history’ so to clarify, it’s a play on ‘his story.’
... now it's clarified.
She left a note saying "I'm leaving tonight for a new life"
The two of them try to track her down, but all efforts fail to find exactly where she is. They search all of the Americas, Europe, Asia, Antarctica, and Australia with no luck, so they ask Toto to help out.
Eventually, using process of elimination, Toto says to Seinfeld and Kramer, "I guess Elaine's down in Africa."
EDIT: Added bits to clarify and help set up the joke. I thought of it this morning after 1.5 hours of sleep so it wasn't well-written at all.
He said he had tried the new Costa (a UK equivalent to Starbucks) in town. I asked him what it was like, having not visited it myself and he simply replied "It Costa fortune"
I figured who better to ask about a silly pun than the good folks over here at /r/dadjokes? I'm going to be in a spelling bee and I need a good name that matches up with a good costume theme. To give examples these are my two previous iterations:
"Punktuation" - Dressed as punk rockers
"Bee Me Up, Scotty!" - Dressed as Star Trek officers
If anyone has a good idea let me know and I will post pics from the event on October 24th. If you don't care to help then...umm...continue being dads.
EDIT FOR CLARITY: People are making some great suggestions for names, but I should have clarified that this is for a team of 3 people. So proper names are not really going to work...stick to the format I have described in this post!
So to clarify, a mole is a unit of measurement in chemistry. My chemistry class does this extra credit project every year where you make a diorama of a mole (animal), with some sort of pun. Examples: Mole-sama Bin Laden, Mole Digger, Deadmol3. Help me find a good idea?
Random Street Dude: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a Rhino?
Elephino!
He ordered a burger.
Server: "How would you like that cooked?"
Dad: "On the grill, preferably."
Dad had to clarify that he was just joking because the server was dumbfounded. Server said he didn't laugh because if my dad was serious and he did laugh, he'd be in trouble.
So I was making a pot of loose leaf tea, and I see a dry clean-looking spoon on the counter by the tea, so I ask my wife "Is this a tea spoon?"
Then she (rudely, I might add) glared at me and said "yes." in a flat monotone.
I looked at her, confused and offended, so she said "It's a teaspoon."
I wish I could say I got it then, but she had to clarify further: "No, it's an actual teaspoon, and yes you can use it for the tea."
...
Anyway, how does it work at this point? Should I be the one to tell our daughter that her mom is her new dad now, or does that need to come from my wife?
Just to set this up a little, my family went out to a pretty crowded restaurant. He approached the hostess, Dad: "how long is the wait?" Host:"It'll be 10 or 20 minutes" Dad:" I'll take 10" This is when the host starts to slowly explain what she meant. My dad then clarified he was just giving her a hard time.
I went on vacation in highschool with one of my good friends and his Dad and another friend, who is basically the coolest fucking guy you'll ever meet (We call him Cool Daddy Mike). Its not so much a dad joke, more just a fucked up joke my friend's Dad told me, but on our way down to Florida from Ohio, we stopped halfway there to stay in a hotel and finish the drive the next day. Since it was just 4 of us for 1 night we only got one room with 2 king sized beds. When we got to the room his dad looked at me and said "If you woke up one morning with a condom hanging out of your ass, would you tell anyone?" I of course said no I would not. He then said "Well alright looks like we are sharing a bed tonight" and points two finger guns at me. It may seem fucked up but if you knew his dad like we all did, you would have died laughing with us. (Just to clarify I did not get sexually assaulted in my sleep by my friend's dad)
I'm on study abroad in Mexico right now, staying with a host family. Last weekend I went to the beach, and when I got home I was talking to my "dad" about it. He asked if there was a lot of people there, and I told him that no, it wasn't very busy. Then he commented that during Semana Santa (basically spring vacation) the only place to stay is "hotel camarena."
I looked at him confusedly, and he clarified.
"You know, hotel 'cama(bed) arena(sand)'."
(Meaning the only place to stay is on the beach, because the hotels are all full.)
This isn't the first dad joke I've gotten from him, hopefully I can remember more to post in the future.
Today in lecture my class was particularly attentive. My professor says, "Wow, you guys are being so great. You know what? Just take next Monday off."
Just to clarify, next Monday is a holiday.
To clarify, he (we shall call him Greg) is not really a dad but with all the jokes he makes, he'd be a brilliant one. Here are a few that I can remember him making:
- Our uni's team was set to play Surrey's team, but there were no where to be seen. One of the referees came up to me and George and said, "Surrey haven't shown up yet and the game's meant to start soon. Any idea where they are?" Greg replied with, "No, Surrey, haven't seen them." The ref and me both shook our heads laughing.
- At the team meal Sunday night, a mushroom was thrown at another teammate. He said, "Look at you, tryna be a fungi!" Greg followed on with, "I didn't think there was mushroom for that joke."
- During the walk home, Greg walked on ahead while 3 of us dawdled. When we caught up with him, he pointed at a wheelie bin and asked, "Where have you guys bin?" then pointed at the wheels and asked, "No, wheelie, where have you bin?" He had countless others but these 3 are the ones that stuck out.
-"What's tiny, green, lives one meter below ground and eats rocks?" -"...." -"The tiny green rock eater of course!"
Shortly after follow up with:
-"If you drill a hole through the entire earth and drop a rock into it, how far does it fall?" -"......." -"One meter, then the tiny green rock eater eats it!"
Maybe I should clarify that I am of the male persuasion.
