Proud dad moment: I was showing my 11 yr old son how to swap my winter and summer wheels. After he carried them over, and we torqued the lug nuts, he saidβ¦
βman, that was tiringβ
and then he asked βsee what I did there?β A torch has been passedβ¦
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︎ Apr 30 2022
Did you hear about the guy who was arrested for carrying a gun made out of Jello?
He was charged with carrying a congealed weapon.
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︎ Apr 07 2022
Why do Italian policemen always carry bread around with them?
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︎ Mar 25 2022
Why are photons easy to carry?
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︎ May 02 2022
My dad used to tell me that he invented a boat that can carry cars.
Now that Iβm an adult, I realize it was just a ferry tale.
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︎ May 18 2022
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
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︎ May 24 2022
What do you call a rock that you carry for 5280 feet
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︎ Mar 31 2022
what do astronauts carry their lunch in?
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︎ Apr 24 2022
What do you call a lady who carries people across rivers?
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︎ May 18 2022
It's illegal to act suspiciously while carrying a Salmon.
It's too fishy.
Also it's a genuine UK law, see the Salmon Act 1986.
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︎ May 09 2022
Me: (Carrying my pet snake) "My snake and I would like a hot dog each please"
hot dog cart: I'm sorry we're out of buns but you can still have the hot dogs
Me: "No thanks. My Anaconda don't want none, unless you got buns hun"
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︎ May 17 2022
My son slipped, covering himself in the custard he was carrying. He didn't cry..
Pudding on a brave face there son.
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︎ May 12 2022
A Dad's Favorite Song: Carry on my wayward bun
Carry on my wayward bun
There'll be quiche when you are done
Lay your weary bread to rest
Don't you fry no more.
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︎ Apr 28 2022
Son, will you carry on our tradition of helping mountaineers up Everest?
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︎ May 10 2022
Why is the barbarian carrying a skillet?
Wizard: Why is the barbarian carrying a skillet?
Bard: He thinks it's his spellcasting focus.
Wizard: He has spells?
Bard: Just one. Every time he hits someone with it he shouts "Cast iron!"
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︎ May 03 2022
At first I was confused about why they wanted me to carry a Geiger counter here,
but then it clicked.
https://xkcd.com/2607
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︎ Apr 15 2022
Did you hear about the boat carrying red paint that crashed into the boat carrying purple paint?
I hear some of the crew is believed to be marooned.
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︎ Mar 15 2022
Have you heard about the serial killer that flees the scenes of the their crimes being carried by crows?
They keep getting away with murder.
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︎ May 04 2022
A Tanker Carrying Blue Paint and a Tanker Carrying Red Paint Have Crashed Out In The Desert
The news says thay are currently Marooned.
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︎ Apr 09 2022
A cargo plane carrying weed and cows caught fire mid-flight!
The steaks were flying high π²
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︎ Apr 20 2022
Which Spicegirl can carry the most fuel?
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︎ Mar 18 2022
Carry on...
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︎ Dec 09 2021
A math teacher fell down the stairs while he was carrying a bunch of probability textbooks
You could say the odds where stacked against them
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︎ Apr 04 2022
Why did coffee start carrying a gun?
Because it gets mugged every day
(Courtesy of my 10 year old).
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︎ Nov 26 2021
Did you ever hear the one about the female dairy farmer who always carried a knife and a gun?
Everyone got a salted butter.
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︎ Apr 03 2022
The TSA recently detained a passenger who was attempting to board a flight carrying a slide rule, compass, and calculator...
They suspected he was carrying weapons of math instruction, and that he was a member of the Al-ge-bra movement.
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︎ Mar 25 2022
Each year I eagerly anticipate this day so I can share my favorite Dad Joke of all time:
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
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︎ May 05 2022
Why do golfers carry a spare pair of socks with them?
In case they get a hole in one.
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︎ Mar 25 2022
If a person carries a pole with a flag that says "I like to be dominated"
... does that mean it's a substandard?
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︎ Jan 30 2022
Why does a phlebotomist carry a red pen?
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︎ Mar 19 2022
I carry a notice with me to let other people know about my anxiety disorder.
It's my social insecurity card
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︎ Feb 20 2022
When I was a kid, my mother used to give me 10$ and send me to the market. I could take 1lt of milk, 10 eggs, flour, 3 bread loaves and two steaks, Today itβs impossibleβ¦
β¦all because of those damn security cameras.
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︎ May 09 2022
A vulture carried two dead raccoons onto an airplane.
The flight attendant looked at him and said, "Sorry sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
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︎ Feb 12 2022
Why did the nurse carry around a red crayon?
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︎ Mar 05 2022
Why did the rapper carry an umbrella?
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︎ Sep 17 2021
Someone was throwing Stephen King books at everyone in the library and I couldnβt figure out what was going on-
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︎ Apr 24 2022
What do you call the bat that carries Coronavirus
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︎ Jan 29 2022
"Hey son, why did the sea monster eat not just one, but FIVE ships carrying a cargo of potatoes?" Grimacing, he replied, "I don't know dad, why?"
"Because who can stop at just one potato ship?!"
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︎ Mar 07 2022
What's squared up and can carry a heavy load?
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︎ Mar 12 2022
I carry around a level around on my key chain.
Keeps me level headed.
Lame jokes are in my heart some times they hit some times they miss.
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︎ Feb 08 2022
What do you call the knife carried by your girlfriend?
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︎ Feb 28 2022
Law enforcement officials recently reported the hijacking of a truck carrying Viagra. Authorities are looking for the culprits.
They suspect the hijackers are a gang of hardened criminals.
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︎ Nov 19 2021
My genius friend, who I call Dr Awkward, once built a drone to carry people.
As he flew in it, I said to everyone, βThatβs my pal-in-drone!β
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︎ Feb 10 2022
What do you call a lady who carries people across rivers?
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︎ Mar 23 2022
Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?
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︎ Apr 06 2022
why are photons easy to carry?
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︎ May 04 2022
From XKCD: At first I was confused about why they wanted me to carry a Geiger Counterβ¦
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︎ Apr 16 2022
Why did the nurse carry a red marker with her?
In case she had to draw blood.
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︎ Feb 20 2022
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