I can’t believe it’s not butter!
Pirate Ship Captain: I am desperate. Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?
Today I found out that you can actually hear the blood flowing through your veins.
You just have to listen varicosely.
I can't stop thinking about Bruce willis movies. I guess old habits
I bought a pen that can write underwater
... it can write other words as well.
Can anybody give me some advice to help me removing ice from my windshield? I just tried with a discount card I had In my pocket
My wife told me that my botanical garden was so expensive that it was preventing us from starting a family. She said I can either have a hobby...
Took me a minute I can’t lie
I can't believe someone stole my limbo stick.
Like seriously, how low can you go ?
Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head.
I was going to add a pun here but can't think of any right now
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
I said to my kids, "Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do! Take Beethoven for example. They told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf!"
I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.
I can also tell when they're standing.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda.
Luckily, it was a soft drink.
I can do calf raises just by mooving it.
I can't believe I just got fired from the calendar factory...
All I did was take a day off.
How can I get someone to hang out with me, laugh at each other’s jokes, and maybe share some fun platonic experiences together throughout our lives?
I can’t wait till my Wife and I have a our first baby.
I’ll hand them to her and say “Here’s the fruits of your labor.”
My dad's not allowed to speak Japanese, let alone teach the language. But there's nothing that says he can't teach Japanese cooking and geography. So far, I just learned the cooking tools and the location of the country.
This is Japan, this is ja-spatula, this is ja-whisk, this is ja-wok, this is ja-mixer, this is ja-fork, this is ja-spoon, and these are ja-chopsticks.
How can you prove that the "I" before "E" except after "C" doesn't always apply ?
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
I can't tell you all Japanese history in one joke...
I asked all the countries in the world if they wanted to throw a party. All of them told me they can't because of covid.
Only one was like "Yemen"
I'm making a videogame where the enemies are soda cans!
I haven't started drawing the sprites yet.
I went to my local all you can eat buffet...
And there was this girl that was only choosing vegetables?
I thought, i never seen herbivore.
Gf asked for help, and I did the best I can
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes
My doctor says it’s terminal
A man woke up in the hospital after a serious accident, the man yelled "DOCTOR! DOCTOR, I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!"
The doctor then replied "i know, i amputated your arms."
I guess you can see he has a lot of horsepower
I told my therapist I can’t get the Grease soundtrack out of my head...
My son is getting so fat, I've decided to put all his favourite snacks at a place he can't reach.
I can’t believe it’s not...
I'm working on a device that can read minds
I'd love to hear your thoughts
My smartwatch can't tell me if I have a virus.
But it does tell me if I have ran somewhere.
A guy wakes up in hospital and screams, "Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs."
Doctor replies, "Of course not, I've cut off your arms."
I was told I can't use eBay anymore.
I don't know why exactly, they just said it was for biddin'
One day, the Earth and the Sea met. The Sea asked the Earth: "Can I touch you?"
The Earth answered: "Shore"
I was having problems with the printer at work last week and I had to ring the engineer. I told him that I kept putting paper in to the printer but the display kept saying it just can't get enough...
The engineer said "ah yes.... it's stuck in Depeche Mode"....
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
Can I claim an Eastern European exchange student as a dependent to reduce my income below the phaseout threshold?
I’m hoping to get a stimulus Czech.
I can't stand people without toes!
I guess that makes me lacktoes intolerant.
I went for an interview. They said, “Can you perform under pressure?”
I said “I’m not sure about that but I can have a good crack at Bohemian Rhapsody”
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."
"Look at what kids your age make in China!"
They demolished an abandoned industrial complex near me recently and now I can't smell.
They must have destroyed my old factory senses.
I can't tell dad jokes
Because he's not here. I'll tell him when he's back though.
Edit: Thank u for the award kind stranger. :D
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when they're standing too.
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes.
I think it may be terminal
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