Pork factories keep calling me and I keep hanging up on them.
ποΈ 33
π
οΈ Feb 03 2021
They really missed out on a great opportunity by calling them defibrillators
Should've called them heartbrakers
ποΈ 27
π
οΈ Jan 01 2021
The German government is calling for everybody to stock up on sausage and cheese in case of a second lockdown.
It's the Wurst-kΓ€se-scenario
ποΈ 50
π
οΈ Oct 16 2020
Iβm writing a musical work based on Timon and Pumbaa from the Lion King. Iβm calling it the Hakuna Cantata.
ποΈ 8
π
οΈ Dec 17 2019
An old doodle I found on my phone! βPot calling the kettle blackβ
ποΈ 12
π
οΈ Jul 23 2019
Colbert is calling on America to cope with surplus cheese. Drops a slew of cheese related puns starting at [1:33](https://youtu.be/37-pPk0bJ-o?t=1m33s).
youtube.com/watch?v=37-pPβ¦
ποΈ 103
π
οΈ May 24 2016
*Tells 3-4 dad jokes. Follows up with:* You can just start calling me butter... cause Iβm on a roll!!
ποΈ 10
π
οΈ Mar 23 2018
The Caller Id on the Speakerphone announced who was calling . . .
Phone: "Call from ... Jorge S ... Jorge S ..."
Me: "?Jorge es que?"
Family: (groans)
ποΈ 5
π
οΈ Oct 01 2016
My dad on calling out from work [Picture]
ποΈ 24
π
οΈ Nov 24 2015
So I was monitoring our progress on Google Maps and calling out the distance to the next turn as it changed...
Daughter: "Dad, maybe you don't update our progress every mile?"
Me: "Actually, I'm updating our progress every .1 of a mile. Does that make you tenth?"
Earned me the coveted groan with double eye roll...
ποΈ 10
π
οΈ Sep 03 2014
What do you call a typo on a headstone?
ποΈ 15k
π
οΈ Dec 05 2020
What do call a Grandma on speed dial?
ποΈ 60
π
οΈ Feb 26 2021
My 5yo blew us away with this original that he came up with all on his own. What do you call two ice dragons?
Twice dragons.
Update: honestly thank you everyone, you guys are totally making this kids day! Distance learning in kindergarten has been rough and he misses seeing his friends pretty hard, so when I told him about this (I was able to use βWreck-It Ralph : Ralph breaks the Internetβ and buzz tube with likes/hearts as a reference) heβs been smiling from ear to ear nonstop since! A million thankyouβs for the kind words and awards.
ποΈ 302
π
οΈ Feb 01 2021
What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?
ποΈ 18
π
οΈ Feb 18 2021
How do you call a princess who leaves you on read?
ποΈ 6
π
οΈ Feb 21 2021
What do you call a drunk person staggering along a street on their way home trying not to step on the cracks in the pavement?
ποΈ 19
π
οΈ Feb 25 2021
What's it called when Batman skips out on Church?
ποΈ 101
π
οΈ Jan 26 2021
What is it called when you get a discount on explosives?
ποΈ 26
π
οΈ Jan 27 2021
I once went on a date with a girl called Simile.
I don't know what I metaphor.
ποΈ 15
π
οΈ Feb 03 2021
I put on 30 jackets one on top of the other, someone calls me and asks me to go out, I said I canβt ...
ποΈ 2
π
οΈ Feb 25 2021
What do you call a spicy green dish made on Sesame Street in India?
ποΈ 6
π
οΈ Feb 20 2021
Who does Apple call on to provide testimony in court?
ποΈ 9
π
οΈ Feb 14 2021
What do you call a corpse on a boat?
ποΈ 26
π
οΈ Jan 10 2021
What do you call Zoomer on Zoomer crime?
ποΈ 2
π
οΈ Feb 18 2021
What do you call a fish that sings right on key?
ποΈ 3
π
οΈ Jan 28 2021
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
ποΈ 178
π
οΈ Dec 18 2020
What do you call a reptile that's always starting shit on social media?
ποΈ 7
π
οΈ Feb 12 2021
What do you call a guy whose car breaks down on his way to meeting his lover?
ποΈ 8
π
οΈ Feb 02 2021
What do you call someone who insists on being called Nicholas?
ποΈ 3
π
οΈ Feb 07 2021
What do you call the nose on a bust?
ποΈ 7
π
οΈ Feb 01 2021
What do you call a man from the Netherlands who is also flying on a airplane?
ποΈ 2
π
οΈ Jan 17 2021
What do you call Minecraft on Mute?
ποΈ 14
π
οΈ Jan 25 2021
I once dated two girls called Edith and Kate. Kate found out and told Edith that I was dating both of them at the same time. They both broke up with me on the very same day!
Moral of the story is you canβt have your Kate and Edith too
ποΈ 33
π
οΈ Dec 23 2020
What do you call someone from Florida with lots of teeth who likes to spend money on the stock market?
ποΈ 4
π
οΈ Jan 14 2021
My day is full of conference calls, collaborations, and 1-on-1s. I wish they would all just go away...
...but then my life would be meetingless.
ποΈ 13
π
οΈ Jan 21 2021
Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."
"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"
ποΈ 37
π
οΈ Dec 31 2020
What do you call a duck that's high on drugs
ποΈ 6
π
οΈ Dec 29 2020
What do you call a president that you quickly turn off and on?
ποΈ 11
π
οΈ Dec 31 2020
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
ποΈ 20
π
οΈ Jan 13 2021
What do you call it when you catch a fish on every cast while deep sea fishing?
ποΈ 17
π
οΈ Jan 09 2021
If a baby is born on a plane, i guess you could call it... airborn
ποΈ 22
π
οΈ Nov 26 2020
What do you call a sorceress that lives on the beach?
ποΈ 4
π
οΈ Jan 20 2021
What do you call a guy with an ant on his knee?
ποΈ 14
π
οΈ Dec 27 2020
What do you call a tariff on skin?
ποΈ 12
π
οΈ Jan 09 2021
What do you call a porta-potty thatβs bigger on the inside?
ποΈ 20
π
οΈ Dec 11 2020
What do you call a software update on an iPhone or and iPad?
ποΈ 21
π
οΈ Dec 20 2020
What do you call it when there is nothing on your math homework?
ποΈ 13
π
οΈ Jan 04 2021
What do you call a typo on a headstone?
ποΈ 123
π
οΈ Jan 21 2021
What do you call a princess who leaves you on read?
ποΈ 5
π
οΈ Feb 21 2021
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
ποΈ 18k
π
οΈ Jun 22 2020
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.