Pork factories keep calling me and I keep hanging up on them.

Nothing but spam.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 33
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/kylejay915
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 03 2021
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They really missed out on a great opportunity by calling them defibrillators

Should've called them heartbrakers

πŸ‘οΈŽ 27
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BoobsRmadeforboobing
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 01 2021
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The German government is calling for everybody to stock up on sausage and cheese in case of a second lockdown.

It's the Wurst-kΓ€se-scenario

πŸ‘οΈŽ 50
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JFCBrouwer
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 16 2020
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I’m writing a musical work based on Timon and Pumbaa from the Lion King. I’m calling it the Hakuna Cantata.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DinglebarryHandpump
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 17 2019
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An old doodle I found on my phone! β€œPot calling the kettle black”
πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JugglingJew07
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 23 2019
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Colbert is calling on America to cope with surplus cheese. Drops a slew of cheese related puns starting at [1:33](https://youtu.be/37-pPk0bJ-o?t=1m33s). youtube.com/watch?v=37-pP…
πŸ‘οΈŽ 103
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/davbrowdid
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 24 2016
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*Tells 3-4 dad jokes. Follows up with:* You can just start calling me butter... cause I’m on a roll!!
πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ithinkyoureawesome-
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 23 2018
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The Caller Id on the Speakerphone announced who was calling . . .

Phone: "Call from ... Jorge S ... Jorge S ..."

Me: "?Jorge es que?"

Family: (groans)

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/xwhy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 01 2016
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My dad on calling out from work [Picture]

http://imgur.com/AW3PYcZ

πŸ‘οΈŽ 24
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Audrey_Pixel
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 24 2015
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So I was monitoring our progress on Google Maps and calling out the distance to the next turn as it changed...

Daughter: "Dad, maybe you don't update our progress every mile?"

Me: "Actually, I'm updating our progress every .1 of a mile. Does that make you tenth?"

Earned me the coveted groan with double eye roll...

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/EngineerBill
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 03 2014
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What do you call a typo on a headstone?

A grave mistake.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 15k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/sheikh_potato
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 05 2020
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What do call a Grandma on speed dial?

InstaGram

πŸ‘οΈŽ 60
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Adragontype
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 26 2021
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My 5yo blew us away with this original that he came up with all on his own. What do you call two ice dragons?

Twice dragons.

Update: honestly thank you everyone, you guys are totally making this kids day! Distance learning in kindergarten has been rough and he misses seeing his friends pretty hard, so when I told him about this (I was able to use β€œWreck-It Ralph : Ralph breaks the Internet” and buzz tube with likes/hearts as a reference) he’s been smiling from ear to ear nonstop since! A million thankyouβ€˜s for the kind words and awards.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 302
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jruff84
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 01 2021
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What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?

Doug

πŸ‘οΈŽ 18
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/shamudawhale51
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 18 2021
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How do you call a princess who leaves you on read?

Seenderella.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/evilmaker
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 21 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a drunk person staggering along a street on their way home trying not to step on the cracks in the pavement?

Stuporstitious.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 19
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/SvenSvenkill3
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 25 2021
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What's it called when Batman skips out on Church?

Christian Bale

πŸ‘οΈŽ 101
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Arr_jay816
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 26 2021
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What is it called when you get a discount on explosives?

More bang for your buck

πŸ‘οΈŽ 26
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/torpedorex
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 27 2021
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I once went on a date with a girl called Simile.

I don't know what I metaphor.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 15
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Merlin-5
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 03 2021
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I put on 30 jackets one on top of the other, someone calls me and asks me to go out, I said I can’t ...

I’ve got a lot on.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/UltimateAnemone
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 25 2021
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What do you call a spicy green dish made on Sesame Street in India?

Curry the frog.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DinglebarryHandpump
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 20 2021
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Who does Apple call on to provide testimony in court?

An iWitness

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JackoMabreda
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 14 2021
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What do you call a corpse on a boat?

Dead weight!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 26
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TheTrueChristOfChaos
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 10 2021
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What do you call Zoomer on Zoomer crime?

Tom Zoomery

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Saints2242
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 18 2021
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What do you call a fish that sings right on key?

A tunable fish.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/lspeed64
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 28 2021
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My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 178
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 18 2020
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What do you call a reptile that's always starting shit on social media?

An instagator

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/oneiroknots
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 12 2021
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What do you call a guy whose car breaks down on his way to meeting his lover?

A cab, and quick

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ulvain
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 02 2021
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What do you call someone who insists on being called Nicholas?

A refuse-nik!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/eat-rainbows
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 07 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call the nose on a bust?

No body nose

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/anarchyinyourhead
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 01 2021
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What do you call a man from the Netherlands who is also flying on a airplane?

The Flying Dutchman

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/EsteamPhenomena
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 17 2021
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What do you call Minecraft on Mute?

Mimecraft

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Broke_Gam3r
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 25 2021
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I once dated two girls called Edith and Kate. Kate found out and told Edith that I was dating both of them at the same time. They both broke up with me on the very same day!

Moral of the story is you can’t have your Kate and Edith too

πŸ‘οΈŽ 33
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/redirishlad
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone from Florida with lots of teeth who likes to spend money on the stock market?

Investigator

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/beekeeper-of-secrets
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
My day is full of conference calls, collaborations, and 1-on-1s. I wish they would all just go away...

...but then my life would be meetingless.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Ciden
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 21 2021
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Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."

"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 37
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a duck that's high on drugs

A quackhead

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/its_boogeyman
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 29 2020
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What do you call a president that you quickly turn off and on?

A blinkin'

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/japandler
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 31 2020
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What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?

Dublin

πŸ‘οΈŽ 20
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/CasinoKitten
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when you catch a fish on every cast while deep sea fishing?

A-fish-in-sea

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/CodyMadeThis
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 09 2021
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If a baby is born on a plane, i guess you could call it... airborn
πŸ‘οΈŽ 22
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/not_snk
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a sorceress that lives on the beach?

A sandwitch

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Rohlnik
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a guy with an ant on his knee?

Anthony

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a tariff on skin?

A tax-a-dermis!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/impendingcrown
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a porta-potty that’s bigger on the inside?

A turdis.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 20
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Scepticgamer511
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 11 2020
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What do you call a software update on an iPhone or and iPad?

An iPatch

πŸ‘οΈŽ 21
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/HisMajestytheSquid
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 20 2020
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What do you call it when there is nothing on your math homework?

No problem!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/General_Hyde
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a typo on a headstone?

A grave mistake

πŸ‘οΈŽ 123
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/EatVeggiesHailSatan
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a princess who leaves you on read?

Seenderella.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/evilmaker
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 21 2021
🚨︎ report
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 18k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report

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