Call whisper Puns

He asked, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really? Thanks boss, see you next week!"

A dog beckoner.

Gay-SMR

• I want to get cremated. That would be my last chance to get a smoking-hot body!

• At the boss’ funeral, a disgruntled employee kneeled next to the coffin and whispered, “Who’s thinking outside the box now, Gary?”

• I hate funerals because I'm not a mourning person.

• My music teacher died while we were writing a song together. I guess he's decomposing now.

• A will is simply a dead giveaway.

• Never challenge Death to a pillow fight unless you're ready to handle the reaper cushions.

• I want my loved ones to throw a party when I pass. After all, it is called a funeral.

• The sign at the cemetery states, "Do Not Pass."

A Sharon

He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metal… Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.

He then stumbles upon this video of an old man, playing the acoustic guitar on his front porch: a beautiful rendition of ‘’Stairway to Heaven’’. Gentle, touching, absolutely gorgeous. The bar owner can’t help but cry. He immediately knows this is the man he wants for his bar, and gets in contact with him.

The musician, over the phone, thank him over and over again for the amazing opportunity. He explains that he’s a retired judge who was pressured to go into law by his parents, over 50 years ago. In his heart, he’s always dreamed of being a musician and to perform in front of a real audience. This is the first time he’ll ever get to do it.

The bar owner is even more touched by his story, and decides to immediately sign him on for 10 night shows. The old judge is over the moon, this is everything he’s ever dreamed of! The two men leave the call, happy and content.

That night, the bar owner hypes all of the regulars, telling them about this amazing new act that they’ll get to see tomorrow. He tells them to bring some friends, bring some family, no one has ever heard music like that before. The patrons are excited and promise to bring everyone they know.

The night arrives, and the old judge gets on stage. The bar is absolutely packed, people give him a standing ovation before he’s even started. Beaming with joy and trying his best not to cry, he calms the audience down. ‘’Thank you, thank you so much, everyone. Thank you to Jim, the owner, for believing in me. I know he loved my cover of ‘Stairway to Heaven’, but tonight, I figured I’d do some original compositions. I hope you like them.’’ He sits down and starts playing.

He slams down on his guitar and lets out a piercing screech. Everyone in the room freezes

For the next half hour, without ever stopping, he plays dozens of discordant chords while yelling incoherent words like ‘’pineapple sauce!’’ and ‘’love and hate are second cousins!’’. He screams then whispers, playing notes that don’t make any sort of reasonable sense.

The audience is stunned. No one dares to say a word. The sweet old man seems so sincere in his rendition, yet it’s just… horrendous.

The owner has a million thoughts racing all at once. How could this h

"They call me the hoarse whisperer"

Why didn’t the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!

Whats green and smells like bacon?  Kermit the Frog’s finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?

Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.

Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu?  Kevin Bacon

If you can’t get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries

Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? A1: Frankenswine A2: Hamlet Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.

Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.

What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.

Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon. What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.

What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.

How do they get up there? In pigup trucks. What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.

What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.

What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you’re bacon my heart melt.

What are they warned to watch out for? Pigpockets.

First Carter Page and now Betsy DeVos. Trump’s cabinet is like a game of six degrees of Kevin Bacon except with Russia.

Everything must be wrapped in bacon, including bacon.

If Kevin Bacon doesn’t whisper “Here comes the Baconator” before he has sex all my faith in humanity is lost

I’ll acknowledge Canada Day when they finally acknowledge that’s not bacon

If Donald Trump really KNOWS the average WORKER then where are the pics of Trump hungover in 7-Eleven buying bacon in sweat pants?

This guy ordered a vegetarian sandwich and then added bacon. It was like watching someone have a mid-life crisis and then find a cool hobby.

If we don’t build a wall on our northern border, they’ll soon be maple syrup & Canadian bacon trucks on every corner.

I signed an Executive Order to make Saturday morning bacon and eggs and pancakes with triple butter and syrup non-fattening.

My bedroom smells like maple, bacon and beaver…because I’m Canadian.

When the waitress calls you Babycakes you know you’re getting extr

So yesterday me and my childhokd friends went to a pizza place we decided to go to a place called donatella, preety decent pizza place. My friend asked for his girlfriend "do you know of theres anything vegan?" I whispered "no... But hey DONATELLA!!!"

The other night, my mum and I were sat watching television like any other night. My Dad comes upstairs and begins whispering something over and over. At first I thought he might be looking for something, but he came in to the living room saying the same thing. "ittanight", "ittanight". Until my mom with a puzzled look, asked what he was doing. He looked at us with a devilish grin and says "Just calling ittanight".

I'd gone to see the movie with my cousins and there's a scene in which croc is doing a lot of push ups. So I whispered to unlucky cousin sitting next to me, "he's a member of a gym called crocsfit". That look of pure disgust is what I live for.

My dad and I were in the receiving line at the calling hours for a friend of mine. Grateful Dead and all things related, including LSD, were at the core of the friendship between my dad and my friend. As my dad reaches the last family member and attempts to kneel at his casket, his foot catches the upturned corner of the carpet. My dad whispers to me, "Trippin' with Jared one last time!"

My brother and I were watching this movie called Nonstop. For those who don't know, it's about Liam Neeson and he has to stop killings on a plane every twenty minutes.

So there's a scene where the plane depressurizes and I leaned toward my brother and whispered, "You know, if I was in that situation, I'd be under a lot of pressure too".

Got my wife in Church today. I asked her what the hymn number was, and she said, "360". I fully rotated the hymnal, and said, "I couldn't find it". She whispered louder, "THREE SIXTY". In mid second rotation she called me an asshole! In church! Tsk, tsk.

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"