C.T.C. Puns

A coconut.

but he don’t stand a chance

Because it’s an anti-HISStamine!

I told him they were the letters of recommendation.

Happy No L!

NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L...

Me: step 1, buy a boat.

Just happened. Not an official dad yet but she’s 6 months pregnant. Got to get the practice in while I can.

I said “Honey, we don’t need that modern technology,” pointing at the ceiling fan I continued, “When we’ve got something that’s revolutionary.”

I had a dream the other night where I got myself and some buddies good tickets, in row B to a baseball game. So we’re making our way to the seats, but we can see that the bottom two rows of seats are completely submerged in water. The game is still going on as normal, but we have to take it in from the stairs. I looked at my buddies and said “Boys I’m sorry, this isn’t what I had in mind when I bought seats below C level”.

I don’t C the problem.

The setup: I tell a victim (I mostly did that to women) that I just learned about an interesting personality test. Then I tell her to list all her senses (hearing, sight, etc) and that from the order in which she lists them I can infer some of her character traits. Once she’s done, I go - the list you gave tells me something very important about you, namely that you have difficulty understanding jokes… (pause, perplexed expression on a victim’s face) b/c you didn’t list a sense of humor…

I’ve got a lot of groans and some good laughs out of them ladies :) The only difficulty is keeping a straight face throughout)

My dad was born and raised near Boston, Mass. and met my Ohio born mom in D.C. They chose to settle in Ohio and raise us kids.

He was often asked why they moved to Ohio instead of Mass and my dad loved to say, “because I didn’t think any of my kids could spell Massachewsets”.

Actually that isn’t true. Most of them read at C level.

c and y

As stated my wife banished me to the couch for this.

She had a late start at work today, so she did some work around the house, including hanging the wreath.

After picking her up from work that evening we got home and she asked me if I liked the wreath. I responded with "the Franklin? It looks good".

She wasn't happy about that, and kept insisting I call it a wreath. Our friends all came over for D&D and I continued to interject whenever she showed someone that it was called "A Franklin".

Eventually she got really mad and demanded to know why I wouldn't call it a wreath. So I hugged her and said "I'm sorry sweetie, I didn't know it was so important to you. I mean, A-Wreath, A-Franklin, what's the difference?".

So yeah, sleeping on the couch.

Son: I can spell Yacht!

Dad: Ok, spell Yacht

Son: Y-A-H-T

Dad: You forgot the C

Son: No, it’s under the Yacht

P-O-S-T O-F-F-I-C-E

An awesome server that combines food with puns to create the perfect recipe for a server! We're still new but we'll grow in thyme and I promise we're a lot of fun!

Don't miss out, give us a chance, the pastabilities are endless here!

...but in case you don't:

that pronoun (1) \ ˈt͟hat , t͟hət
plural those\ ˈt͟hōz
Definition of that

(Entry 1 of 5) 1a : the person, thing, or idea indicated, mentioned, or understood from the situation that is my father b : the time, action, or event specified after that I went to bed c : the kind or thing specified as follows the purest water is that produced by distillation d : one or a group of the indicated kind that's a cat—quick and agile 2a : the one farther away or less immediately under observation or discussion those are maples and these are elms b : the former one 3a —used as a function word after and to indicate emphatic repetition of the idea expressed by a previous word or phrase he was helpful, and that to an unusual degree b —used as a function word immediately before or after a word group consisting of a verbal auxiliary or a form of the verb be preceded by there or a personal pronoun subject to indicate emphatic repetition of the idea expressed by a previous verb or predicate noun or predicate adjective is she capable? She is that

4a : the one : the thing : the kind : something, anything the truth of that which is true the senses are that whereby we experience the world what's that you say b those plural : some persons those who think the time has come

They got no R-E-S-P-E-C-T for a wreath 'a franklins.

Halloween is approaching and I am making some punny tombstone decorations, in the spirit of Disney's Haunted Mansion cemetery. I thought it would be fun to collect some new ones from the reddit community. Here are Disney's crypt puns. Please share any additional ones that you can come up with.

1. Asher T. Ashes (Ashes to ashes)
2. Bea Witch (Bewitch)
3. C. U. Later (See you later)
4. Clare Voince (Clairvoyance)
5. Dustin T. Dust (Dust into dust)
6. G. I. Missyou (Gee I miss you)
7. Hail N. Hardy (Hale and hearty)
8. Hal Lusinashun (Hallucination)
9. Hap A. Rition (Apparition)
10. I. Emma Spook (I am a spook)
11. I. L. Beback (I'll be back)
12. I. M. Mortal (I am mortal)
13. I. M. Ready (I am ready)
14. I. Trudy Departed (I truly departed)
15. I. Trudy Dew (I truly do)
16. Levi Tation (Levitation)
17. Love U. Trudy (Love you truly)
18. M. T. Tomb (Empty tomb)
19. Manny Festation (Manifestation)
20. Metta Fisiks (Metaphysics)
21. Paul Tergyst (Poltergeist)
22. Pearl E. Gates (Pearly Gates)
23. Ray N. Carnation (Reincarnation)
24. Rustin Peece (Rest in peace)
25. Rusty Gates (Rusty Gates)
26. Theo Later (See you later)
27. U. R. Gone (You are gone)
28. Wee G. Bord (Ouija board)

I found the entire experience D grading. I just couldn’t C my way out of it. Even one failed test would have become a B in my bonnet. A plus from my high school experience was that I was allowed to take all my classes pass/fail, so I still walked away with me degree.

O I C U R M T

‘yes but just to prove you’ve been paying attention I’d like you to recite the alphabet first’

So with his best effort the boy replies ‘A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z’

The teacher says ‘very good but what happened to the P?’

‘Well this took so long it’s running down my leg’

S ‎ O ‎ M ‎ E ‎ v ‎ i ‎ e ‎ w s are r ‎ e ‎ f ‎ r ‎ a ‎ C ‎ T ‎ E ‎ D, but I'm fully transparent.

Just don’t pick it up

Edit: piece I before E except after c

When he arrives he sees the security guard at his desk, sobbing

“I c-can’t believe the boss forgot my b-b-birthday”

Seeing this opportunity, the thief sneaks round to the back steals the security codes and goes to access the vault.

Unfortunately for the thief, the head of the bank was busy giving a tour to some possible investors and is at the vault.

Upon seeing the thief (who is stupidly dressed in horizontal black and white stripes) he exclaims, “HOW DID YOU GET PAST MY SECURITY!!?!”

To which the thief replies, “You let your guard down”

No-el no-L

Because you can’t C in the Dark

Because you can’t C in the dark

Because you can’t c in the dark

Because you can’t ‘C’ in the dark

Why did A, B, C, D, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y and Z all get sent to the principal's office?

Because they were naughty! (Not "E")

Because you can’t c in the dark