Have been on the search for a low table and snagged one for $5 on FB's marketplace. The color looked a lot different in the photo than I anticipated (way more red than I would like). With how cheap I got it for, I thought this might be a good opportunity to do my very first DIY project. I'm primarily focused on appearance rather than structural integrity since I am extremely new to this.

Here's various pictures of the table. (Sorry if it's a lot, I wanted to be as thorough as possible)

I'm having trouble figuring out how to approach the sides as they have an embellished/raised pattern on it. The only solution I can really come up with is trying to sand it away completely or hoping a light touch will preserve it to an extent.

For the rest of the table, I was under the assumption it was laminate at first since it was very light and sounded very hollow. However, there's some chips in the finish and you can see grain under it so I feel like it may be wood veneer with an extremely thick tinted coat. My approach was going to go at the top with a chemical stripper to get the red coating off. Then, if it's wood veneer, I would sand it and try to stain it. If it ends up being laminate, I would replace the top with a wood veneer.

Ultimately, I was hoping I could get this table to a lighter wood color. If not, to be able to get creative with some paint. Any help or guidance would be much appreciated !!

Hey everyone. I picked up the scripts for the Matrix trilogy, and I figured it would be fun to type a short summary of things that I found interesting that (at times) totally differed from the theatrical cuts.

I recently read the working script (this is what the actors had in hand) for The Matrix Reloaded. I’ll leave my notes here. If anyone wants to ask questions, let me know, and I’ll do my best to answer them. [Attachments at the bottom of this post]

Interesting details from the original script of Matrix Reloaded:

1. Neo tells Trinity about their first encounter

When Neo and Trinity go back to their room (during the Zion party scene), Neo tells Trinity that every time she walks towards him, he remembers the first time they met. He then mentions “you scared the shit out of me when I first saw you”.

2. Neo faintly sees Smith behind Bane’s eyes
Little detail I found interesting. The script points out that, for a millisecond, Neo knew something was up when Bane approached him as they were leaving for the Matrix.

3. Chinatown merchants described as peddling “the ultimate simulacra” [Page 46]
When Neo heads to the tea house (where he fights Seraph), the script makes mention of the religious imagery being sold on the stands. I thought it was interesting to see the Wachowskis describe this as “merchants peddling the ultimate simulacra, spiritual and historic symbols; once powerful images now reduced to plastic, laminated, bric-a-brac”.

4. Seraph’s code
Seraph’s code is described as being “written in the negative, or rather with the absence of light”

5. The Oracle’s code
The script notes that the Oracle’s code is identical to Seraph’s gold code.

6. Neo can’t understand “Oraclese”

The script makes note of Neo being a little perplexed when the Oracle says “You didn’t come here to make a choice. You came here to understand why you made it.” It even describes him being dumbfounded listening to her “Oraclese”

7. Neo is tired of being the One
On page 53, when the Oracles says, “because you’re the one”, it starts to mention that Neo is starting get tired of hearing this.

8. Neo asks about the first “One”
On page 54, Neo asks the Oracle why the war didn’t end when the last “One” made it to the Source. The Oracle replies that “he did what he was here to do. His path is not your path, Neo. Your path, I’m afraid, is much harder”.

9. The Burly Brawl
There are so many cool things mentioned in the

A/N: This is my first piece of OC. Please leave feedback for me in the comments. As I complete each story arc, I'll edit it into a final text and publish it on AO3. Enjoy!

-your friend, the author

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Earth was gone, annihilated by the Contagion. Humanity scattered to the four winds. Some went to live with other races of sentients across the known universe. Others sailed into the Void, searching for the source of the Contagion, but found nothing but the cold emptiness between stars. Among the asteroids of Sol lived the Children of Earth, born to devastation, who claimed revenge as their birthright. They sharpened their blades and polished their Gauss rifles, and awaited a change in the tide, a chance to rise and spread death to the galaxy that abandoned them. Any Xeno who did not heed the warnings and entered the Sol System were shot down, and as the hulks of burned out ships piled up, rumors began to spread at starports of Sol, the Graveyard System, and of the Jackals and their terrible Eye, a weapon which blazed through ships with a great lance of light. And the Children of Earth took the name Jackal, and as the Xenos stopped coming, they fell silent, and watched, and waited.

Asteroid 3485ADQ, Alpha Cygni System. Native name: Vortsarn VII.

256 years since the Fall of Earth,

The Xa'Quari Zul seaman walked into the cantina with a sigh. He had been stuck on watch all night because he talked back to his Sergeant, but it wasn't his fault. She had been making him remake his bed, and then finding the tiniest error and tossing it back on the floor. Eventually he snapped and told her that if she cared that much about the bed, she should go marry it. Then he stormed out. It cost him a week of watch, but it was worth it. He stood 2 meters tall, with long spindly limbs. His face had 2 pairs of green eyes on a round, sable face, with delicate, razor edged teeth in a narrow mouth. On his home world, he had been named Wra'tai Qu'in, and had been quite popular with the ladies, but now that he had been pressed into His Majesty's Fleet and had been stationed on this godforsaken rock, he was known only as Seaman Apprentice Qu'in. He was looking forward to a drink at the Drunken Pigeon, tended by his friend Alicia. She was old, over 280 years old, but that wasn't that rare among humans, who regularly lived to 2,000 since the inven

So it took me some time to think of another Low/Weak Dragon but I got it you guys! So here ya go! Base Form Carnage Kabuto vs The Top 4 Demons!

Now onto the Fight!

Feats for Carnage Kabuto:

Regarded as the most powerful and Intelligent creation in the House of Evolution! So much so that Dr.Genus (as well as his hundreds of clones) is terrified of him and didn't even wanna release him

-He effortlessly smashed first appearance Genos into the side of the wall

-When Genos came back, he hit Carnage Kabuto with several blasts of which Kabuto didn't even pay any attention to whatsoever (aka it did absolutely Zero damage to him)

-Genos fired one last energy blast, which Carnage Kabuto proceeded to send right back at him with a simple blow from his lips as if he were a child blowing a bubble

-In the VGS simulation G4 Genos (who fought against S2 Sonic, and defeated 7 monsters during the Super Fight Tournament, of which 2 of them were Demon Level Monsters) fought against Carnage Kabuto 54 times and lost 54 times

Feats for Suriyu:

-No-Diffed 2 A-Class Heroes (Tiger level) with a single kick

-Defeated Monster Choze (Demon Level) with Medium Difficulty (he only sustained a cut on his head and wasn't even really phased) -Survived several flicks from a High Dragon (Goketetsu) and then proceeded to have his arm broken

-Survived a Barrages from a Low Dragon (Bakuzan) then proceed to have both his legs broken

-Somehow after sustaining both his legs and one of his arms broken by 2 dragons, he is still capable of breaking a Giant Low Dragons (Bakuzan) Toe

Feats for Bug God (Base Form):

-Tanked Red Garou's (Pre-Rover Fight) punch and damaged his fist with how hard his durability is

-Nearly crushed Red Garou with a single downward punch (Garou previously had been shown to take Punches from Mid-High level Demon heroes like Tank Top Master and EC Genos so Bug God's punch stands out quite a bit)

-He also seemed to think that (despite his Base Form doing absolutely Zero damage to Darkshine after God knows how long) his Transformed state would be able to damage him so take that for what you will🤷‍♂️

Feats for Sonic:

-Fought Deep Sea King (dry form) without his sword or any of his weapons and effortlessly dodged each and every one of his attacks

-Continued to fight Deep Sea King (in his Hydrated Form) and still managed to dodge his attacks (albeit with visibly more effort. Even after DSK thought he caught him, Sonic was fast enough that he mana

I saw a Post earlier asking questions regarding damage, and felt like creating a single post to go all in on the discussion regarding Damage Types, how certain skills or items work.

There are three damage types, two (Technically three but the third one is weird) sources of damage, and several damage modifiers.

Damage Types

1. Physical
2. Magical
3. Pure

Damage Sources

1. Attack
2. Spell
3. (Bear with me on this one) HP Removal

Damage Modifier

1. Physical Resistance (Armour)
2. Magical Resistance
3. Spell Damage
4. Attack Damage
5. Spell Damage Block
6. Attack Damage Block
7. Damage Reduction
8. Damage Taken

HP Removal

We'll start off with one of the most complicated sources of Damage, HP Removal. HP Removal, in a sense, isn't technically damage. It's most notable feature, is that it doesn't cancel blink daggers, and thus was applied to certain skills (and items) in order to prevent them from cancelling it, and working through certain skills. Refraction as an example, will not lose charges to HP Removal.

What deals HP Removal?

• Orb of Venom + Corrosion [Neutral Vhoul, small camp, deals poison)
• Rum buff from Kunkka Ghost Ship
• Oracle False Promise ending damage
• Spectre Dispersion
• Techies Blast Off
• Undying Soul RIP
• Venomancer Poison Sting
• Necrophos Heart Stopper Aura

Now, one of the more complicated aspects regarding this skill, is how it interacts with Magic Resistance and Spell damage Block. To simplify it, lets split HP Removal into two components.

First, is the Damage Calculation, and Second, is the damage dealt. The damage calculation will generally take into account Resistances and Blocks, but the dealing of damage wont. For skills that do these together (Dispersion, Blast Off etc.) This will appear as blocking or reducing the HP Removal, but for skills that have a delay (False Promise, Ghost Ship), This will have a weird interaction which is easier to explain with this seperation.

Heart Stopper, Dispersion can and WILL be affected by Resistances and Blocks (Though Dispersion deals damage based on the type Spectre receives, similar to blademail.)

False Promise on the other hand, it's important to understand WHEN to apply said shields. For example, lets assume you get hit by false promise, and have a Hood. If you apply the Hood BEFORE you take damage, then when the damage is calculated, it will take that into account and reduce the spell shield and thus deal less or no damage. If on the other hand, you use Ho

The bridge stands exactly twenty-five minutes’ walk from the last house of town. You have to take the path that winds round the edges of the fields, then when the route splits you take the track less travelled. Head towards the mountains in the east until you reach the river, then follow it upstream for about ten or eleven more minutes.

That’s where it is. Beautiful and unassuming, a careful little stone structure built over the river.

I discovered it for the first time in the summer, and I only found it by chance. It isn’t immediately obvious, the bridge… My dog Bertie was the one who actually led me there. I let him off the lead and he made a bee-line right in that direction… I had to rush after him when I became concerned he might tumble into the river… It was stupid of me, really. I haven’t let him off-leash anywhere dangerous since then, don’t worry.

But yeah, so, that’s when we found the bridge. Bertie spent a happy half-hour sniffing all around it and wagging excitedly, though in the summer it isn’t particularly remarkable. It leads over the river to a small clearing. Pleasant enough, nice grass, a big tree… Uh, some tumbled rocks where it borders the base of the closest hills… I dunno what else to tell you, really. It just leads to nowhere in particular. Probably why it’s never used and no-one knows it exists.

…But in the winter…

In the winter, something changes.

Just under a week ago I was walking Bertie down that same route. I’d opted as I sometimes do for the track less travelled, marvelling quietly at the mountains in the snow… when I felt Bertie tug at the leash. I looked down at him, and he looked back up at me, and he whined a little.

I laughed. “Silly dog… What do you want, huh?”

But it was clear what he wanted to do. He wanted to head back to his favourite bridge.

“Alright Bert. Hell, let’s do it”, so I allow him to lead us back down along the river… being careful to keep him on leash this time.

Upon our arrival I could immediately tell that something was different. There was a certain sense in the air, an atmosphere that just felt… off… So despite Bertie’s pleas I decided to deny his pleas to go sniffing about.

I don’t recall what I thought exactly when I spotted the anomaly for the first time. The tracks, I mean. The footprints, in the snow.

I think my first thought was probably modest surprise that somebody actually knew this bridge existed… But the real bizarrity was the fact that the footprints only went halfway acro

I sat on my bed, my head in my hands, as I wept for myself and my soldiers.

This world was lost, its people slaughtered.

We were the last bastion remaining.

The week had started like any other, capture another ionkan smuggler refuelling in the orbital station, request assistance from the Orakayn High Command when we discovered she had a cargo full of Class 9 prohibited substances, then sit back for another lazy week.

Nothing ever happened back here, it was a lovely planet for a backwater, but a boring duty as a Commander.

Even with the smuggler’s constant laughter and remarks of “They’re coming for me, you won’t stop them!” we were content to just lock her up in the main planet-side military base and leave it at that. Maybe go to one of the handful of planetside cities afterwards for a few rounds and some gambling.

But then, they did come for her.

The Swarm, an arachnid hive mind from halfway across the galaxy warped into the system and immediately attacked without any form of warning. The orbital stations were torn asunder and debris rained down on the cities below, but then the Swarm came down with them.

Days of fighting fruitlessly to just barely hold the main base as city after city fell to the ravenous creatures. One after another all communication points went dark as they were destroyed, or their inhabitants fled. The carnage was indescribable, the final days were truly upon us.

We fired our laser rifles until the power packs exploded from the abuse.

We held the triggers on our slug-throwers down until the barrels warped from the heat.

Cannons, artillery bombardments and even turning our orbital strike rail gun onto the ground targets did naught but turn the forest around us into a wasteland of debris and death.

Mounds of blown apart carcasses and burning wrecks of vehicles littered the landscape around the last base of Linteo. It was only the fact the Swarm had a whole planet to destroy that kept them from overwhelming us.

But now we’re all that’s left, and in the distance we could hear the roars of the Primarch. Kill him and you cut the ground soldiers off from the fleets control. Had we the resources to try we could at least reduce the enemy’s effectiveness for the next sorry group of saps who came here, but there was nothing left.

We were out of power packs, bullets, cannon shot, medical supplies, and burning through our remaining food. Without backup soon we’d be dead, but the hive would get us before then. To make matters wo

Im dropping this chapter a pinch early this week as i'm not sure how much computer access i'll have Sun/Mon, so enjoy the fuzzy space shenanigans!

Thank you again to my editor Eruwenn and it was a blast brainstorming terrible, terrible things with you!

<< First < Previous Next >

Things that go bump in the night…

Story Arc: 1 (The Trappings of Man)

Chapter: 5 (Lost In Translation)

{ } denotes telepathic messages.

[ ] is a translation of an Xenos measurement unit or similar word.

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Security Chief Aguialla had finally slipped into a fitful rest when the lockdown alarm blared. Its shrill, piercing tone drilled into her relaxed state and roused her from what was supposed to be doctor mandated rest.

She was going to flay someone for this.

With her head pounding, she sat up, careful not to disturb the recently hardened material patching her shell. Reaching out beside her, she found her tablet on the nightstand beside her and quickly silenced the alarm in her room so she could think clearly. According to the pad, the alarm was from the medical facility. Was the alien not dead? Worse, was it loose?

She was halfway through swinging her legs off of her bed when a Siligoudian nurse came running into her room, his tall slender frame almost dancing with the fluid and graceful movements his species was known for.“Where do you think you’re going, back in bed!”

Aguialla’s armored head turned to regard the man, her eyes glittering with menace behind the armored plates of her face. “Excuse you?” The look did its job, unbalancing the man and stamping out the chiding confident tone in his voice.

“What I meant to er, say, ma’am, you’re not supposed to be up.” His slender tail swished nervously behind him.

She waved him off. “I’ll be fine. If what I think is wrong is, in fact, wrong, I’m needed. If things go sideways, well, you can’t recover from being dead.”

He backed against the wall as the chief’s imposing bulk passed him. She had a point, but the doctor would chew him out if she reopened the wound. Then again, he didn’t wa

I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.

Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.

Hello, CA fam! I would say "it's good to be back" but I never really left. I just didn't have the time and means to post; I've either been incoherently drunk or CAG's been here and I haven't felt safe whipping out the laptop. Gather 'round, it's story time!

There's been far, far, too much insanity over the last few weeks for me to condense into a single post. Individual days and events were postworthy in themselves, but as more and more incidents happened it just became too much to record. Suffice it to say I'm not sober, for a start. Since my last post I managed maybe 36 hours of sobriety before I caved and drank the shitty IPAs she left here, to cope with the yawning emptiness. I was going to mark it as a one off and try again the next day, but she got in touch, offering to return the clothes she had stolen. That's when the madness began. Again.

The days and weeks have just merged into one interminable period of booze-soaked crazy. It feels like it's only been two weeks since I posted here last, but looking at the date stamp it's been freaking 28 days.

Because of the sheer number of incidents I've tried to condense it down to a summary and we'll see where we go from there.

Some selected highlights for you:

1. She tried to steal my cat, Jonesy. We'd gone out to a restaurant the night before and came back arguing. Some guy sat next to us had asked me about my mushy peas (pics to follow) and while he was drunk and perhaps a little obnoxious, he was otherwise harmless. CAG, on the other hand, maintained he was a 'threat' to us - this is one of her narcissistic personality disorder traits, that she recognizes (imaginary) danger while I'm otherwise "oblivious". She also looked like she desperately wanted to engage with the guy and was literally pained because I was preventing her from doing so, the source of the argument we had when we later got home.

The next morning she had interpreted words I said, before I left for work, as indicating, she 'deserved' her past rapes, which is absolutely not what I said. She must have been blasted drunk, as she completely forgot about the security camera I'd installed on the porch. I got a notification on my phone, while I was at work, about movement on the porch, and chimed in to hear her talking to her VA counselor. I could hear her telling him she was being abused. While the words hurt me, I wasn't entirely surprised; she's maintained the narrative she's in an abusive relationship since she got out of jail. Wha

[FIRST][PREVIOUS][NEXT]

(Chapter title error, it's 115 to 118)

Chapter 115 Barry

Barry couldn’t believe his eyes.

The canine maiden stood, her back turned to him, leaning forward, growling, facing off the feline feral as her body flickered with dark energy. For a brief moment, she paused, looking over her shoulder at the human, before turning back to growl at the feline harder still.

Barry’s head spun, not wanting to waste his good fortune. His eyes darted around in an attempt to determine the quickest route to safety. His shoulder throbbed. The feline had gouged into it with her claws, blood was dribbling its way down his arm. The adrenaline was likely the only reason why he wasn’t incapacitated by the pain by now.

The moment the Hound moved towards the feral, Barry began to slowly inch away, trying to keep a careful eye out for any other familiar faces. Or rather, at the very least, he hoped to spot some way out of this nightmare. The fights happening all around were growing wild as those strange powers were flying all over. The ferals seemed to have stopped their push, but the remaining fights were all equally lethal to him if he got too close.

The Elves fought by summoning plants to their side, attacking the ferals from underneath or from above, arrows piercing through the moment they couldn’t escape. The Dark Elves, on the other hand, danced with their blades, seeking to cut the distance and approach their targets. The ferals for their part moved far more wildly. Most sought to attack through claw and fang, moving in from opposite directions and barely using enough coordination between each other. A few would throw elemental powers from a safer distance, lightning and fire being the most frequent. The battle was slowly turning to the advantage of the elves while the Dark Elves were barely managing to hold on.

A bark drew Barry’s attention back to the Hound. The noise had been loud and clear, powerful enough it startled everyone else. But especially the feline. The dark-haired maiden’s body darkened as she lunged forward, her form blurring as if, for a second, she lost her shape. The feral tried to dodge, jumping out of the way. Except the Hound had not been there, instead emerging ou

Recent Sets: AFR (the D&D set), MH2, Time Spiral Remastered, Strixhaven, Zendikar Rising, Jumpstart, Ikoria, Theros 2, Core 21 and Core 20 and Core 19, MH1, and most recently Double Innistrad. Plus various commander sets, and Commander Legends. And we're about to go to a plane full of ninja's.

>!Recent sets will have grossly lower prices, especially the most recent one and sets like Commander Legends that got opened like hot cakes and flooded the market with cheap commons.!<

My Top 5 "Generically Good" For under 5 Cents

>!Sunlance!< (Time Spiral) - Bolt but sorcery speed. It's 1 cent 1 mana removal in white. White also got Wing Shards at 2 cents each.

>!Duress!< (Core 21) - An answer to pretty much everything combo deck. Black also got Agonizing Remorse at 2 cents each (Theros). A close second was Supernatural Stamina to reuse ETB's, LTB's, and dies triggers.

>!Shock!< (Core 21) - A burn staple. Lightning bolt mini is still sort of lightning bolt, and it makes toughness 1 and 2 creatures slightly weaker. Red also got Roil Eruption for 2 cents each (Zendikar). Igneous Inspiration is not a premium removal spell, and even though it's a 2 for 1, the 2 aren't good cards on their own.

>!Lose Focus!< (MH2) - A 2 mana counterspell. It's comparable to Mana Leak, and strictly better than the other variants (which are more expensive). Lose Focus also copies itself, which works very well with Quandrix.

>!Abundant Harvest!< (MH2) - A card that let's you decide what it's going to be. It could be a land when you need land, or it could be a random spell. It helps consistency a ton. Green also got a couple of very versatile 2 mana instants with Flourishing Strike and Tangletrap.

>!You might have noticed that these are all 1 drops. This is because a generically good 1 drop is going to go in more decks than a 2 drop which goes in more decks than a 3 drops. Just look at how many commander decks play Ponder, Brainstorm, Serum Visions, AND Preordain. J

Things begin to get spicy, hold onto your beans.

+ Prologue + Previous + Next +

__________________

Chapter 3

The Good Captain

“Skorr”

The unfamiliar name echoed through the cargo bay before Neirdith repeated it to herself, then louder while looking at the huge Cyborg. “Skorr.” Skorr seemed to perk up at the sound of their name and raised an arm in an unfamiliar but friendly looking gesture. Skorr then pointed at her and said her name before pointing at Seth and saying his. It tried to move but was still held fast by the overhead crane. With a wave of annoyance it spoke in that same unknown language while pointing at the offending crane before flicking its eyes back to hers. She nodded knowingly before raising her wrist and reaching for her assistant.

“Wait” Seth said, causing her to pause “How do we know that it won't just kill us the instant we let it lose?”

“I know, watch,'' she said while walking over to Skorr. Reaching her hand and placing it on their armoured front she looked deeply into one of Skorr’s glowing eyes while asking “Skorr, you aren't going to hurt us are you, you just want to have a friend right. You have been alone for so long.” Again that strange feeling of connection washed over her and she felt a mixture of steady happiness and strong will in return. Sighing as she removed her hand she turned to Seth smiling, “See, there is no way they plan to hurt us.”

“I didn't see anything. You just asked them a question and stood there with your eyes closed for a few seconds.” Seth said with a confused look scratching his head.

“Come here and put your hand on them and ask them something then.” She said with a sigh.

Moving up curiously Seth did as instructed while saying “Hey there, uh, Skorr. You arnt going to murder us all in our sleep right?”

“SETH!” Neirdith yelped, “Why would you ask them that, it's so mean.”

“Was something supposed to happen?” Seth asked, removing his hand.

Skorr remained in place but their eyes got noticeably brighter as they switched between her and Seth.

“Wait, you didn't feel anything, like no connection or something?” She asked him incredulously.

Seth turned towards her with a stra

At the moment I want to level my BLU, but all my friends don't have "time" to help me. And now I'm currently level 36 and in the meantime 1k Needles doesn't kill anything with one hit anymore & it's getting boring.

Does anyone have some tips & tricks or know what spells I could just get solo that would make it more enjoyable?

At the moment I have already collected the following spells.

Bad Breath

Ice Spikes

Sticky Tongue

Faze

Bristle

Toad Oil

Acorn Bomb

Basic Instinct

Mind Blast

1k Needles

Human Music

By Lord-Dorantium

It goes without saying that when the Humans entered the galactic stage they disrupted the status quo of the entire galaxy. In a single century every level of society had been affected. Obviously, some species were affected more then others. The humans exploded out of their system and opened their markets to the curious aliens. Humans having the ability to make colonies on some of the most hostile worlds gave them an advantage and the ability to expand to several unclaimed worlds on the edges of their allotted border.

Just as their colonies started exporting the resources from the border planets they were pounced on by pirates. First it was a single ship going missing here, another there, accidents happen. But soon it was clear they were being hunted. So a plan was put into motion, a decoy ship was made to look like a massive space freighter. Large and bulky with smooth metal sides painted white, shaped like the body of a great whale. It was called Ishmael’s Anger and it was filled not with exotic wood or processed metal, but was filled with colonial men and women. They had built the colonies with their own hands and known those on the ships that vanished. They were as hard and stubborn as a people could get. And they were angry and armed.

As they dropped out of hyperspace into a system known for attacks and slowly made its way through the system. The slow acceleration meant to fool those who would see the ship as a fully loaded cargo ship. Sure enough while passing a large gas giant three smaller ships slipped from the behind it and set a course for interception. As they drew closer the optical sensors pulled up the view of the incoming ships. Though smaller to the Ishmael’s Anger they were still intimidating, long and black with a raised center that bristled with gun ports.

A communication link was sent from one of the black ships and a language made mostly from clicking and mixed with hisses came through the speaker. The translator turned on in the middle of a screeching rant. “… thinking you are the universes chosen? We the Kivix will not let an upstart race out perform us! Prepare to be boarded, resistance is futile!

Several pods launched from the black ships and soon attached to the hull of the large white freighter and breached into its halls. As the first Kivix made its way into the ship a low thumping sound was heard echoing form deeper inside the ship and coming from the intercoms high on the walls. The lead Kiv

The nurse asked the rabbit, “what is your blood type?”

“I am probably a type O” said the rabbit.

The Unnecessary Adventures of the Unremarkable Mr. Weaver

Beginning - Previous

PART 17---

“We could go back to the inn,” Luther suggested, gesturing out the nearby window. Melissa nodded in agreement; she didn’t seem to be having a particularly good time either.

I lifted my head off the table to regard the butler appreciatively. “Thanks, but the damage is already done; there’s no guarantee people won’t get all excited about me there, too. At least here the initial shock has dwindled. And I can get more drunk.”

As if on cue, Lytha sat down next to Melissa and set four mugs of ale on the table. “Owner said this is the busiest night she’s had in weeks. Our drinks are on the house for the rest of the night,” she said excitedly.

“How could you do this?” I asked her.

She took a sip from her fourth or fifth ale, I was sure, and raised an eyebrow at me. “Do what?”

“You know exactly what. I hate attention like this.”

“Seemed like the best way to get the town riled up. The esteemed Ikon Weaver, visiting a local tavern! Who wouldn’t want to join for that? Especially once I met that bard and he told me about his song.”

“You knew that was going to happen? That was the worst part! After this, I’m chucking Barn and you into a river,” I threatened, even as I grabbed for one of the ales and began drinking.

“Don’t take it out on Barn. He actually didn’t want to go this route… insisted he could get the place riled up without riding your coattails, but I didn’t feel like waiting around for him to come up with a scheme.”

I was about to respond when a young fellow sauntered up to our table, bumping into it and almost spilling our glasses. “Eyore the ‘ragon layer! Eeey?”

“No he’s over there,” I said quickly, pointing off in a random direction. The guy narrowed his eyes at me. “Over there,” I repeated. He nodded and walked away. I turned back to the others. “This is actually getting easier. Anyways, where is Barn?”

“He convinced a few patrons to go outside and play mumbly-peg,” Lytha told me.

“What the gratuitous fuck is mumbly-peg?” I asked.

Luther chimed in. “A rather brutish game where two contestants throw a knife into the ground near their own feet, and whoever gets the blade to stick closest to their foot wins. The loser must retrieve the knife using thei

The doctor says it terminal.

Alot of great jokes get posted here! However just because you have a joke, doesn't mean it's a dad joke.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT NSFW, THIS IS ABOUT LONG JOKES, BLONDE JOKES, SEXUAL JOKES, KNOCK KNOCK JOKES, POLITICAL JOKES, ETC BEING POSTED IN A DAD JOKE SUB

Try telling these sexual jokes that get posted here, to your kid and see how your spouse likes it.. if that goes well, Try telling one of your friends kid about your sex life being like Coca cola, first it was normal, than light and now zero , and see if the parents are OK with you telling their kid the "dad joke"

I'm not even referencing the NSFW, I'm saying Dad jokes are corny, and sometimes painful, not sexual

So check out r/jokes for all types of jokes

r/unclejokes for dirty jokes

r/3amjokes for real weird and alot of OC

r/cleandadjokes If your really sick of seeing not dad jokes in r/dadjokes

Punchline !

Edit: this is not a post about NSFW , This is about jokes, knock knock jokes, blonde jokes, political jokes etc being posted in a dad joke sub

Edit 2: don't touch the thermostat

Be me: Zoahar, Cathay Khajiit

Be not me: DM; Fromken, Alfiq Khajiit; Daro'Fayna, Suthay-Raht Khajiit; Shahree, Saxhleel; Dar-Jee, Saxhleel;

Having fought through trolls and snakes we arrive at Bravil...

We disguise Frompken's undead and prepare to make our way into town.

As the caravan sets up in the Bravil market and begins to sell their wares the caravan master comes 'round to each of us and pays each of us for our protection on the road.

Meanwhile the charismatic of the party set up shop to sell the various things we've looted over the course of our trip... all together we've got 6k for the party.

We make a helm of the Troll Skull for Zoahar as Shahree heads to the mage's guild to learn some new magic.

A bit of shopping later and the party has a lot of new equipment, significant armor improvements nearly across the board and a few better weapons.

We learn that Shahree is going to be taking a while in town for learning their magic... meanwhile there's some gladiatorial games being prepared that Zoahar and Dar-Jee sign up for.

Decide to put 350 Drakes for each of us on our victory.

We take down the preliminary round with ease, securing out initial investment... now continuing for the big prize money.

...unfortunately we're eliminated in the second round, oh well.

Welp with our money made Zoahar checks in with the guild to see if there's any local monsters that need slaying.

We're told about a nearby ruin, the fighters believe there's a Troll in the ruins and want people to deal with it.

As we reach the ruin we find skeletons of the beast's prior prey... weapons at the ready we make our way down into the ruin.

As we descend the temperature drops greatly, until our breath mists and ice is present in the surroundings...

It's not too long before be find why, some poor fool died on a trap pressure-plate... Shahree baps it to pieces, off the pressure-plate with a fire bolt. With that the trap shuts off.

Further in we find a room that's had its door broken off... we can see movement in the room, possibly the creature we're hunting.

We decide to try and draw whatever is in there toward us and so we draw our ranged weapons and prepare to volley as Shahree casts another bolt to get it's attention.

It comes int view and we nail it in a surprise round, Frompken horrifying it, Shahree burning it, Zoahar and Fayna nailing it with ranged attacks.

Fayna then gets her turn and gets a LUCKY NUMBER nailing it again after it's blacked out from t

First : Previous : Next : My Other Stories

Burners: Promises Made

“Too dark for forgiveness, I-, Can't seem to do anything right, When I tried to rebuild, I see my humble shelter, Just fall to the ground again, Object of an evil eye, No point to let anyone try, Take heed, my friend lest you be torn asunder, Like all that's become of me, Decimation, disintegration, Now beyond the point of imagination, There's no explaining my situation now, Why does this shit keep happenin' to me?”- Disturbed, The Curse

Chapter 13

The capital city of Sargasso was alive with combat. Banshees and drones screamed by overhead. Cannon shells and plasma fire cut through the air while angry trails of burning sky marked the spots were Albion’s point defenses had reached down to the planet’s surface and wiped away Covenant forces with thunderous light. The ground shook constantly as if a low grade earthquake was underway and the damaged buildings around Sheila’s squad groaned dangerously under the constant strain.

“Alright let’s move! Char take center with the package, Dan, Avery you’re on point I’ll take up rear.” Sheila ordered quickly and once again took the least desirable position for herself.

The group charged forward out of the ONI building in time to hear the discordant hum of a Banshee’s engines as it rolled over into a strafing run. Plasma burned into concrete as it opened fire and the whining hum then roar of Mike’s spartan laser sent the craft screaming into the road.

“Anyone hit!” Sheila shouted in time to register one of the newbies whimpering and doing their best to hide their burned left arm. “Mason, get that numbed, local anesthetic. We need to move.”

“On it,” Mason pulled out a shot and shoved it through the kevlar under suit, numbing the man’s arm as they continued to jog towards cover. “We’ll get you patched up properly when we’re back behind friendly lines. Use your sidearm.” Mason barked and the newbie nodded, slinging his rifle and withdrawing his pistol from his holster, hands shaking horrendously.

“You can do this, just push through it.” Sheila encouraged as they ducked into cov

Do your worst!

How the hell am I suppose to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

Mathematical puns makes me number

Ants don’t even have the concept fathers, let alone a good dad joke. Keep r/ants out of my r/dadjokes.

But no, seriously. I understand rule 7 is great to have intelligent discussion, but sometimes it feels like 1 in 10 posts here is someone getting upset about the jokes on this sub. Let the mods deal with it, they regulate the sub.

I was listening to “Oh Shit Moments” and Mark bringing up the sugar free gummy bears reminded me of the single greatest Amazon review I’ve ever read. I copy and pasted it below. Enjoy, and fair warning, this story is not for the faint of heart.

1.0 out of 5 stars

Hell Holds No Surprises For Me Anymore...

This is a cautionary tale and - unlike most of the other reviews on this product - this is a true story and its authenticity can be qualified by a small news item that appeared in the Toronto Star's local news section during the month of April in 2013, much to my chagrin.

I would consider myself a prudent man. Not given to bouts of outspokenness or craving attention, and certainly not one to rock the boat. On any given day I can be found reading a crime novel on a park bench in the middle of the city, soaking in the opulence of nature while nibbling on my tuna fish sandwiches and fending off the voracious gulls and squirrels that threaten to spoil my repose. This is me. Law-abiding and introspective. Which is why it came as a shock to me to find myself incarcerated because of the Devil's Confectionery, Satan's Sweetmeat, Lucifer's Lozenges - the horror that is known as 'Haribo Sugar Free Gummy Bears".

I'll set the scene: It was late winter / early spring in Toronto and the city had just been digging itself out from a late season snow-storm. I was heading to Pearson International Airport for a redeye flight to Amsterdam in order to give the Dutch arm of our company some training on the new software that had been installed (I'm deliberately being vague to prevent my place of work from being linked in any way to the incident that occurred). I had just finished packing, checked the time and found I was running late, my flight was at 7:10 PM and it was now almost 5:00 PM. Cursing softly, I ran out to the car and threw my bags in the trunk, hitting the gas a little harder than usual in my haste to make it to the Long Term Parking Lot as soon as possible. Luckily traffic was light on the 401 and I made it to the airport in record time, but knew that my chances of making the flight were still at risk if I didn't use my time wisely.

I hadn't eaten since lunch, and I was feeling a bit hungry, my stomach rumbling loudly in protestation, which caused me to look around at the other travellers rushing past me in the busy terminal, mortified that my bodily noises might be heard by others. I briskly checked my watch and decided that I had enough time to grab

Carnage and Vengeance

-TB

Humanity was an odd race by all accounts. Unlike almost all other sapient races of the galaxy they had never completely unified. After first contact with beings not of their homeworld they remained separate. Nations moved to interstellar society of their own accord, utilized their newly acquired technologies to settle their own individual colonies and do business as each saw fit. Humanity gained galaxy wide acclaim as soldiers and mercenaries. Each nation having their own unique organizations and tactics allowed those in need of help in conflict a wide variety of specializations from which to select. Humans were also vastly larger and bulkier than most sapient species, giving them a major advantage in close quarters combat. Despite any particular specialization they may adhere to, humans were always lethal in boarding actions and tunnel fighting.

Ma’korta had been lucky enough to never enter into any conflict with human warriors. He and his seven crew members had entered a privateer contract with their homeworld’s government and preyed upon trade ships passing through the warzone between their species, the T’kret, and that of their enemies the Maiphon. Why the war had broken out was irrelevant to Ma’korta and his crew, they merely sought out freighters that were en rout to known Maiphon systems and depots to capture and sell any ships, cargo, and prisoners possible. Earlier in the morning the Corvette Ma’korta captained had detected a freighter that registered as a prime target for capture. They had swooped in on a freighter hailing as ‘Fidelis’ out of a local gas cloud and had managed to attach itself undetected to a docking port.

Ma’korta and his seven crew members boarded the freighter and found it to be empty. There was no crew to be found in the docking and living quarters except for robotic cleaners and maintenance servitors. Until upon returning to their docking port they heard a popping sound coming from down a hallway that was indicated as a half capacity cargo bay. “Vo’lush, Hi’para, come with me.” Ma’korta ordered his First Officer and one of his Engineers to accompany him to check out the noise.

Upon entering the cargo bay and following the noise around several groups of containers they came across two beings, one slightly taller than the three T’kret and one slightly more than twice their height. The smaller one was watching the larger fire a small primitive combustion firearm at a target a dozen meters away

They were cooked in Greece.

He lost May

Said if she ever hosts a gender reveal party, when it comes time to pop the balloon she'll spray everyone with water.

Gender is fluid.

Two muffins are in an oven, one muffin looks at the other and says "is it just me, or is it hot in here?"

Then the other muffin says "AHH, TALKING MUFFIN!!!"

Don't you know a good pun is its own reword?

I was driving headlong through the night with a 12 pack of Bud Ice strapped safely into the passenger seat when my phone rang. I eased off the gas, grabbed it, and glanced at the screen.

UNCLE HENRY, the caller ID said.

Seriously?

“Yeah?” I asked.

“Where are you?” Uncle Henry rasped in that downhome accent of his. People I meet for the first time - the ones who don’t come from around here - say I have an accent too, but Uncle Henry’s is thicker than a McDonald’s milkshake. A good old boy with a pot belly and a big white beard, Uncle Henry was the type of guy who drank beer on his front porch, worked on cars in the barn, and blasted Merle Haggard and Hank Williams Jr. In other words, he was a redneck. I’m kind of a redneck too, so it’s all good.

“I’m on my way,” I said.

An hour ago, I was sitting in a kiddie pool I’d set up in front of my trailer and drinking a Bud Ice when Uncle Henry called me. It was late afternoon in the midst of a sweltering Alabama summer and I’d been mowing the lawn. I needed some relief, so in that pool I went. To be safe, I even put some of those little arm floaties on. Being a hick, I’ve never seen a body of water bigger than the creek outside of town, so I wasn’t a very strong swimmer. Don’t wanna drown now. When I answered, Uncle Henry said he needed me there now. “I found somethin’ big,” he said, and damned if you couldn’t hear the wonder in his voice. He sounded like a kid. I asked him what it was, but he wouldn’t say.

“I’m in the pool, so it better be important.”

“Just get down here,” Uncle Henry said. “And bring some beer. I’m all out.”

In the time it took me to get dressed, grab the beer, and stop by Church’s Chicken for a leg, the sun had set and a jubilee of crickets songs to the night.

Now, the old man said, “You told me that an hour ago.”

“Give me some time, damn,” I said, impatient.

“You’re movin’ at the speed of welfare,” Uncle Henry swiped.

“You would know.”

He uttered a raspy half laugh/half cough. “Social security ain’t welfare. I worked all my life for that money.”

“I’m glad you get to enjoy it,” I said. “It’s gonna be all gone by the time I retire.”

“Oh well. You got the beer?”

“Yeah, and I drank it all.”

“What?”

“Oh well.”

He laughed again. “Just hurry up.”

“I’ll be there in five minutes.”

I hung up the phone and tossed it onto the seat. I reached out for the beer, intent on grabbing myself one, but I yanked my hand back when Sheriff Pruitt blew by in the opposite direction. He’d

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

Previous

PART 17-----

“We could go back to the inn,” Luther suggested, gesturing out the nearby window. Melissa nodded in agreement; she didn’t seem to be having a particularly good time either.

I lifted my head off the table to regard the butler appreciatively. “Thanks, but the damage is already done; there’s no guarantee people won’t get all excited about me there, too. At least here the initial shock has dwindled. And I can get more drunk.”

As if on cue, Lytha sat down next to Melissa and set four mugs of ale on the table. “Owner said this is the busiest night she’s had in weeks. Our drinks are on the house for the rest of the night,” she said excitedly.

“How could you do this?” I asked her.

She took a sip from her fourth or fifth ale, I was sure, and raised an eyebrow at me. “Do what?”

“You know exactly what. I hate attention like this.”

“Seemed like the best way to get the town riled up. The esteemed Ikon Weaver, visiting a local tavern! Who wouldn’t want to join for that? Especially once I met that bard and he told me about his song.”

“You knew that was going to happen? That was the worst part! After this, I’m chucking Barn and you into a river,” I threatened, even as I grabbed for one of the ales and began drinking.

“Don’t take it out on Barn. He actually didn’t want to go this route… insisted he could get the place riled up without riding your coattails, but I didn’t feel like waiting around for him to come up with a scheme.”

I was about to respond when a young fellow sauntered up to our table, bumping into it and almost spilling our glasses. “Eyore the ‘ragon layer! Eeey?”

“No he’s over there,” I said quickly, pointing off in a random direction. The guy narrowed his eyes at me. “Over there,” I repeated. He nodded and walked away. I turned back to the others. “This is actually getting easier. Anyways, where is Barn?”

“He convinced a few patrons to go outside and play mumbly-peg,” Lytha told me.

“What the gratuitous fuck is mumbly-peg?” I asked.

Luther chimed in. “A rather brutish game where two contestants throw a knife into the ground near their own feet, and whoever gets the blade to stick closest to their foot wins. The loser must retrieve the knife using their teeth.”

“That’s so stupid… what happens if you stab your own foot?” Melissa asked.

“You win by default, actually.” As Luther said this, a wordless cry of pa

Mentos

(I will see myself out)

We told her she can lean on us for support. Although, we are going to have to change her driver's license, her height is going down by a foot. I don't want to go too far out on a limb here but it better not be a hack job.

I'm surprised it hasn't decade.

Now that I listen to albums, I hardly ever leave the house.

But let me give it a shot.