So I started that Ketogenic diet and my bowel movements have improved drastically!

So this is just a β€œquality shit post”

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Senor-Sarcasm
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I went to see my doctor about my bowel problem.

He said, "What's the problem?"

I said, "Well, lately I've been measuring the length of my bowel movements, and they are considerably smaller than what they should be. About 8.5 centimetres smaller, in fact."

He said, "Sounds to me like you need to get out more."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Irritable Bowel Syndrome implies the existence of other bowel syndromes, such as:

Cheery Bowel Syndrome

Angry Bowel Syndrome

Naive Bowel Syndrome (right before you have Taco Bell)

The list is endless and frightening

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KungFuThor
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
So I just found out some politicians with bowel problems are unfairly helping other politicians with bowel problems rise to power.

I guess our government has a problem with crohnyism.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/caligari87
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I just got my doctors bill for the bowel prep before my colonoscopy

$150??!!! Man, that shit was expensive!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Is buttcheeks one word?

Or should I spread them apart?

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SaladFingerzzz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm gonna start a streaming service where users can listen to different toilet sounds and bowel movements...

...I'll call it "Pottyfy".

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/synoptikal
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Which piece of punctuation is usually a result of bowel cancer?

;

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you have after a bowel resection?

What do you have after a bowel resection?

A semi-colon.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gandalf239
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Who do you call when you can't control your bowel movements?

Waste Management

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/syntax_no_context
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you know that Egyptian pharaohs all suffered from irritable bowels?

Or as they called it, toot in common.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedPlanetCorridor
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
🚨︎ report
My daughter had a horrible peak-a-boo accident

Now she’s in the ICU

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yousuchafukinhoe
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to a seminar on bowel movement.

It was a shit show.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a man with a pace maker and irritable bowel syndrome?

A gas electric hybrid.

πŸ‘︎ 903
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zoolilba
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2015
🚨︎ report
Whats the only Sith Lord that keeps tracks of his bowel movements?

Count Dooky

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/s__haw__n
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I went to the doctor yesterday because I hadn't had a bowel movement in a week.

But he didn't believe me; in fact he said I was full of shit.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-rabid-
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2018
🚨︎ report
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Scientists have learned how to send humans into the future. Unfortunately, the process causes the subject's bowels to release uncontrollably.

It's a real blast from the past.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2018
🚨︎ report
Write your bowels with a #2 pencil.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nate223
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2017
🚨︎ report
What do veterinarians use to disimpact their patients' bowels? imgur.com/81TNwtg
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/megalodonwillrise
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2015
🚨︎ report
Mark was sitting outside waiting for bowel movement

The area was called consti-patio.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JohnCassidy83
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2016
🚨︎ report
My father was in the army...

And I remember he used to be stationed in exotic places all over the world. Once he came back home with a very exotic looking bird. I asked him what kind of a bird it was and he told me it’s a rare almost extinct species called a Foux (pronounced Foo). This foux was the apple of his eye and he would take care of the bird as if it was his own child. Sometime during this period the Foux began developing a real bad case of constipation and my father was really worried about it. He tried all kinds of medicines to make the Foux pass it’s bowels, but nothing was working. One day, during this period, I woke up to a huge argument taking place between my parents. My mom was accusing him of cheating on her during one of his tours, she had found some pictures of him and another woman and he was denying it vehemently. I realized then that my father had been quite the philanderer and this wasn’t the first time he had been caught. My mom was trying to get him to just admit to his indiscretion.

β€œWhy don’t you just admit it Harry”, she said;

but he stuck to his denial,

β€œYou think I could ever do something like this Sarah”, he said.

Right then amidst all this ruckus, the Foux began to take a dump, in the middle of the living room.

My mom looked at the bird, then looked back at my dad and with a sense of resignation she just said β€œWell if the Foux shits...”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RangaRedRascal
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you do when your grandparents can't control their bowels anymore?

Depends.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deeo2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2017
🚨︎ report
How do cows fart?

With their dairy air

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flippantteacup
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Bowels

My SO is in nursing school and a friend from class came over to study.

Me: Hey what're you studying?

SO: Bowels.

Me: Vowels?

SO: No, B-O-W-E-L-S

Me: Oh yeah, A, E, I, O, POO, and sometimes Y

SO: :/

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MyMindsOnGuac
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2015
🚨︎ report
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.

I must be missing some bowels.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/marvinli
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad on bowel movements...

Me: "I have to poop so bad!" Dad: "You're a grown man, son, why don't you try to poop good for a change?"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Agnostalypse
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2013
🚨︎ report
How does Vanna White take her constipation medicine?

Via bowel.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MBTHVSK
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about Pat Sajaks emergency surgery?

I guess he had to buy a bowel.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AGBalazs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when a shit takes a stand for what it believes in?

A Bowel Movement

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you get after combining an Owl with a Bee?

A Bowl.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Avanou
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my fiancΓ© over dinner.

Having dinner with fiancΓ© and parents, sausages, mash, vegetables. Delicious.

FiancΓ© sits down with her dinner, my Dad asks her why she doesn't have broccoli?

Her: "I can't eat it with irritable bowel"

Me: "you should eat it with carrots like the rest of us"

Uncle and Dad laughed, everyone else stopped forks halfway to mouths.

πŸ‘︎ 302
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arathkone
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2014
🚨︎ report
What did the Hawaiian say when the fake missle alert made him poop his pants?

ICBM

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobs_clam_rodeo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2018
🚨︎ report
What’s the diagnosis after swallowing too many Christmas ornaments?

Tinselitis.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thumpingplum
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2017
🚨︎ report
I'm writing a screenplay where a giant snake swallows Dwayne Johnson.

The title: Rocky-Bowel Boa

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/perverseverence
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Couldn't give a sh!t

I'm out for breakfast with my S.O. who is a nurse and her family. She's telling us about her patient.

S.O. - He had a paralyzed bowel.

Her Dad - He didn't give a shit.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/runningwithsizers
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2014
🚨︎ report
I was on the toilet when the earthquake happened.

It was a heavy Bowel Movement.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thepumpkins15
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Why shouldn't you invite Freddie to decorate for Christmas?

He'll deck the halls with bowels of Holly.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/w00tah
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
🚨︎ report
Why do they call it the Ghost Pepper?

Because it will haunt your bowels forever.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2018
🚨︎ report
Even in my grandpas last days he still had some in him.

My grandpa was dying of cancer and he had severe bowel problems to which he needs nurse assistance to go #2. He hasn't gone for several days now and calls for help once again.

Nurse: "Ok let's try this again and if that doesn't work we'll try something else"

enter 7ft tall 300lb black man (2nd nurse)

Grandpa: "Oh so you're going to try to scare the shit out of me now"

πŸ‘︎ 416
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πŸ‘€︎ u/truestory_bro
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2013
🚨︎ report
Doctor doctor, my stomach keeps making funny noises. It keeps going β€œHOOT-HOOT”

Sounds like a wise old bowel.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dens382
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2018
🚨︎ report
I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles today.

My next bowel movement could spell disaster!

As seen on Gab.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Newbosterone
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2016
🚨︎ report
I'm so sick right now.

You could say I'm ready for the Super Bowel.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2017
🚨︎ report

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