Tell a man there are three hundred billion stars in the universe, and he believes you.

Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he has to touch it to be sure.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/decentname99
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 12
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ASTROLOGY.... Because millions of stars and planets have spent billions of years lining themselves up....

....just to let her know, that "she'll meet someone with nice eyes today."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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Facebook has over 2 billion users, That is as big as the whole of christianity, Forget that, it is bigger than hinduism and islam. Although facebookโ€™s messenger is probably the worst.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/obaidraf
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
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You know, a billion years ago I was a little shellfish. And I still have a little shellfishness in me now.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/shagminer
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. ..

After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/andersonfmly
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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Jumping for profit

Dad: [pointing up at tall trees] โ€œSee those trees? Kid: โ€œyeah?โ€ Dad: โ€œHow much will you give me if I take off my shoes and jump over them?โ€ Kid: [looking up at the trees] โ€œThereโ€™s no way! A billion dollars!!!โ€ Dad: [takes off shoes, puts them on the ground in front of him, jumps over shoes] โ€œPay up!โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/smartasskicker
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 31 2019
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When I heard about the $8 billion arms sale on the news, I was stunned.

How many arms does $8 billion get you? Why do they even want random body parts? And just think about how many fingers that is!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/EarthtoGeoff
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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A man comes up with a great idea for a new shipping method

A young man comes up with a great idea for a new shipping method. He designs everything himself, hires people to create models, and deduces that he can use old fashioned boating technology to increase shipping speeds by up to 350%. This is obviously a great innovation, so he calls up a former Business professor from college and gets into contact with a manufacturer. The manufacturer makes the man come in and present his design to the board of directors, so they schedule a meeting in two weeks.

At the meeting, the board is blown away. The manโ€™s charisma, design, and equations all point to a massive innovation in shipping. The company is poised to make a huge profit. Construction starts immediately.

On his flight back, the man happens to sits next to his old buddy from high school, Jimmy. Jimmy tells the man that he has just blown the farming world wide open. His new GMO potato produces five times as much energy and has been the talk of the world. Jimmy says that all the news outlets have been reporting potatoes to be the next big superfood, and his design is poised to make him millions, if not billions of dollars. Jimmy pitches the man for the entire plane ride, and convinced him. They hop on the next flight back to visit the board of directors once again. The board is shocked. Both ideas stand to make billions of dollars for the company, but there is one slight problem.

The CEO says to the man, โ€œwe know you have these two ideas. However, we can only allocate enough resources to make one of them profitable. I recommend you take some time off and really decide which of these ideas you want our company to produce. We can schedule a meeting in a few weeks if that works for you.โ€

The man says right back to the CEO, โ€œIโ€™m going to take a walk and clear my head. This is a big decisionโ€ and walks right out of the room.

Not even five seconds later the man comes back into the room and says โ€œIโ€™ve made my decision. Letโ€™s go with the shipping method.โ€ This shocks the CEO, who says โ€œare you sure?? This is a billion dollar decision and you only took five seconds to think about it.โ€

The man looks back at him and says โ€œwell, in this business time is moneyโ€” so I decided to make my decision schooner rather than taterโ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BearGuru
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
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Nihilist Dad Jokes

Why did the scarecrow win a prize? Because he stood alone in his field! He stood there for years, rotting, until he was forgotten.

I tell my kids, youโ€™re allowed to watch the TV all you wantโ€ฆ Just donโ€™t turn it on! This way they will begin to understand the futility of all things.

How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. Like all animals, it is an automaton, driven by blind genetic imperative, marching slowly to oblivion.

Why donโ€™t skeletons go trick or treating? They have no body to go with them! The skeletons are like us: alone, empty, dead already.

I donโ€™t really like playing soccer. I just do it for kicks! Like all of humanity, I pretend to enjoy things, and others pretend to care about my charade.

You hear about the moon restaurant? Good food, no atmosphere! If you eat there, you forfeit your life, which would make no difference to the universe as a whole.

Why did the blonde focus on an orange juice container? It said concentrate! She realized that societyโ€™s depictions of her were like the juice: formulaic, insipid, fake.

My wife told me to put the cat out. I didnโ€™t know it was on fire! By the time I could act, it was incinerated, a harbinger of the path we all must take.

How come the invisible man wasnโ€™t offered a job? They just couldnโ€™t see him doing it! This man stands for all of us: unseen, misunderstood, irrelevant.

Today I gave away my old batteriesโ€ฆ Free of charge! No one wanted them, so I became angry and threw them in the yard. The battery acid now leaks into the soil, killing a colony of ants. A sparrow eats their bodies and is poisoned. Somewhere in the Serengeti, a lion devours his rivalโ€™s cubs. Then the lion is shot by a poacher and sold to an unloved rich man whose father was an unloved rich man. In five billion years, the Sun will become a bloated giant, boiling the oceans and consuming our pointless cruelties with flames. I wake sweat-drenched and screaming, staring at the visage of a faceless god. โ€œWHAT HAVE I DONE?! HOW COULD I BRING A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD!?โ€ But this god, like all gods, is nothingโ€”just my sonโ€™s Wilson baseball mitt, sitting on my dresser, mocking me.

Will February March? No, but April May! Soon we become ash, and time forgets us.

Source: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/nihilist-dad-jokes

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/vorschlaghammer
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
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The best dad jokes are the ones you laugh at more than the audience...

I didn't come up with this but its been flying around reddit for a while...

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?' The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.

Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'

The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.

The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.

Father,' replied the son,I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.

The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.

Father,' said the son to this,I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'

`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.

I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/The_Sven
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 27 2013
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The recent post about the "Quackopotamous" reminded me...

When I was a wee lad, about 5 or 6 , my dad and I went to the beach on a vacation. I, having never seen the ocean, learned many new things, like how tides work, and how there's seemingly billions of white flying rats that the world calls Seagulls.

Fast forward a few weeks to us being back home in Kansas City, MO where no beaches or seagulls are to be found. My dad and I were running errands and found ourselves at the local Target, where in the parking lot I spotted dozens of white birds that looked eerily similar to the Seagulls I had learned about weeks before.

"Dad, what're those?" I inquired

"Oh, son those are called Parkinglotgulls. Yeah they're close cousins of the seagull!"

And that's how I came to call those white birds that flock around parking lots worldwide "Parkinglotgulls" even to this day.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/monroeshton
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 22 2016
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During a road trip

My sister asked how long until we arrive, and my dad said however long we had left. Let's pretend it was two hours. Then a little while later:

Sister: "How long has it been?" (Since she last asked how long left) Dad: "Oh, about 13.7 billion years"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/damasta67420
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 24 2013
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An easy way to earn some extra money this summer

Dad: [points at trees] โ€œSee those trees? Kid: โ€œyeah?โ€ Dad: โ€œHow much will you give me if I take off my shoes and jump over them?โ€ Kid: [looking up at trees] โ€œThereโ€™s no way! A billion dollars!!!โ€ Dad: [takes off shoes, puts them on the ground in front of him, jumps over shoes] โ€œPay up!โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/smartasskicker
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
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