Beam Beam Puns

Don’t worry, it’s been sent to prism.

With a prism cell!

I said, "That's suburban."

I've had Truss issues ever since

Massless Chaps

They must've thought that it was pretty rad

Seriously though, terrible loss.

Get bent.

"The trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter!"

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

"But what do you think we should call the baby?"

https://preview.redd.it/d2i4dah2m1n61.jpg?width=666&format=pjpg&auto=webp&v=enabled&s=27aef2502083e2b63c89d4ac29937d2e705aa254

I drove up to the local drive thru this morning to get breakfast for myself and the kids and one of my daughter's older friends was working the window. She had a sign on the window that said "Need 5's Please!" When she put her hand out for payment, I turned it around and gave her an enthusiastic high 5. She asked "Why did you do that?" I pointed to the sign. She rolled her eyes. My daughter shrunk down into her seat, facepalming. I drove home beaming.

They both go around Uranus and wipe out Klingons

And now I have a splitting headache

The wife kisses her husband on the cheek and says, "Merry Christmas, hun! Don't get up, I have a surprise for you - as your first Christmas present, I'm going to make you your favorite breakfast in bed... Eggs Benedict!"

"Wow, great!" says the husband, propping himself up in bed as his wife scampers away to the kitchen.

A little time and lots of clanging and cooking later, the wife returns with a beautiful plate of Eggs Benedict - fresh and steaming hot on a plate.

The husband smiles from ear to ear as he takes the plate from his wife, but gets a slightly quizzical look on his face when he notices that the plate is one he's never seen before. Instead of their usual dinnerware, this plate is a shiny, silvery metallic one.

"This is wonderful, darling!" the husband says, "But what's with the fancy plate, did you get it special for today?"

"Of course I did," beams the wife, "it's Christmas!..."

"... There's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

How do you get a symphony drunk?

.

.

.

Cello Shots!

“No thanks, I’m traveling light!”

100M, 200 M, 800 M and Marathon are my favorites.

It Hertz a lot.

With their hi beams

This one time I was sitting there eating my chicken tenders and they bulldozed 40% of the restaurant.

It’s called Spockify

An omnomnomnomlette.

Credit: my six year old son as we are enjoying brunch. My daughter and I both groaned and then I beamed with pride.

Well, it sure made Bud wiser.

Forgery

He was just board to death

We couldn't afford a dog.

He's relaxing in a comfy chair, reading the newspaper, until he hears a quiet voice call out to him:

"Nice suit."

The man looks up and around for the source of the comment, but to no avail. There's no one else in the lounge except for an attendant, busily working away on the other side of the room.

Figuring he must've been hearing things, the man resumes reading the newspaper, until a few minutes later when the same voice says to him:

"That's a lovely watch."

Again, the bewildered man searches for the source of the voice, but there is absolutely no one who could have possibly said it to him. Exasperated, he gives up and goes back to reading his paper. But once more, the voice speaks to him:

"Great haircut."

The man whips his head up, gets to his feet and looks around but there is nobody there. Desperate, he calls for the attendant to come over. He asks:

"Excuse me, but could you hear that voice talking before? I can't see anyone else but me and you here."

"No, I'm afraid I haven't heard anything of the sort." replies the attendant, shaking his head.

"It keeps on saying how much it likes my clothes, my watch - even my haircut!" states the man, growing frustrated.

A beam of realisation dawns across the attendant's face. Gesturing towards a bowl of provided nuts resting on the table, the attendant chimes:

"Oh! That must be the peanuts! They're complimentary."

"The trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter!"

I said "I know, this trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter!"

I said, “This catapult is amazing! Go get our daughter.”

I said, "This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter."

I said, “I know. This trebuchet is amazing. Go get our daughter.”