A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”
The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
My wife was making gravy for dinner, and she added some corn starch, but it got too thick. To thin it out she added some water, but then it was too thin again. It went back and forth a few times before I said...
Ahh. I get it. It’s a viscous cycle.
True story: Driving back home, my 5 year old son says "How do you spell 'penis'?". My wife looks at me curiously and then asks "Why?"
After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"
My server slammed a glass of water down, tossed a spoon with a knife on the table and stomped off back to the kitchen. I pondered about their attitude for a moment and then it hit me...
They just didn't give a fork...
I saw a guy drink a bottle of brandy, then fill it to the top with water and screw the lid back on.
He approached a wild ox. The ox looked at him.
The guy said, "Hello, there, wild ox. Would you like to buy this bottle of brandy from me? £50, that is all."
The wild ox mulled it over, before pulling out the money and handing it over to the man.
In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have jumped up and yelled, "It's a con, yak!"
Back in the day, I used to be a madlad. Then I had a child....
That’s when I became a dadlad
Me and my wife were scrambling to leave the house today. I happened to introduce myself to the mailman at the perfect time. His name was Mikey. Just then I turned back inside...
And yelled "HONEY, I FOUND THEM!"
My math teacher walked into the classroom, wrote a tiny number "7" on the board, then walked back out again.
I thought, that's a little odd.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I used to upholster furniture for a living and hated it. My boss switched me to packing for a while then switched me back. I hate it so bad I have to go to a support group. Talking helps me to do the damned job.
Yesterday, I caught a fish, but then I threw it back in the water
It was Throwback Thursday
Back in the 80's...I was a teenager full of obsessions, even Phil Collins was one of them. What the hell was thinking back then..
... But hey !! Take a look at me now.
I was once walking my dog along a promenade during a storm. I got chatting to a German tourist. While we were talking, my dog decided to go for a swim. It was clear he was struggling then he got dragged under. The German dived in, pulled him out and did cpr. The dog coughed then came back to life
"That's amazing" I said "how did you know to do that? Are you a vet?"
"Vet?" He asked. 'of corse I'm vet. I was in zee sea"
What do you call it when someone was jewish, converts and then converts back?
Don't worry about it, it was a re-torah-cle question
Salmon are born in a river, swim out to sea for most of their lives, and then one day years later swim back against insurmountable odds to the very spot where they were born.
And I can’t find my car in the parking lot.
We used to write on scrolls, then paper, and now we’re back to scrolling again.
Why did the chicken cross the road roll in the mud and then cross back over the road
Because he was a dirty double crosser
Back then, only rich people had cars and poor people had horses. Now, only poor people have cars and rich people have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.
If you surf on the back of a dolphin, then you're riding on porpoise.
Accidentally moved an Apple booth at the show, then moved it back...
Dude said" almost in the right spot..."
I stand corrected
I left work for a chiropractor appointment but then went straight back.
A string goes into the bar and the bartender tells him, “We don’t serve your kind here” the string then leaves, twists himself up and parts his hair, coming back to the bar, the bartender then asks, “Aren’t you the string from yesterday?”
The string replies, “I’m a frayed knot”
How did Microsoft executives advertise back then?
Little Johnny gives the terrorists four bombs, but then changes his mind, and takes three back.
My wife keeps waking me up to go turn off the computer and then turn it back on again.
I hate these late night rebooty calls.
Back then when cars didn't have turn signals, what did it mean when a girl had her arm out the window?
On my way back from Thanksgiving holiday, the flight had to make a slightly hard landing due to the crosswind. Then the flight attendant announces: " Sorry for the slightly bumpy landing. It wasn't the Captain's fault, most definitely not the my fault...
It was the Asphalt."
The whole flight lost it. It was glorious :)
Bilingual pun: If you study in the US, then work in Germany, you can pay back your loan with your Lohn.
Lohn is German for wages.
Just met Henry Winkler! He asked me for $20 and said if I get three people to give me $20, I'll make my money back and then some...
Sounds like a typical Fonzie Scheme
I dropped this one on the wife after getting back from a run about an hour ago. She groaned a bit, then laughed.
So I just got back from a run, and must have eaten something earlier, because as soon as I came inside, I ripped a really loud, nasty fart. I jokingly blamed it on her, and she laughed a bit until she smelled it. As she was busy plugging her nose I lay this on her.
Me: Well you know what they say, the one that smelt it is the one that dealt it.
Her: That's not funny, I know it was you, that saying doesn't make any sense right now.
Me: I think it makes a lot of scents. Wah-waaah..
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