Athlete A Puns

An O-limp-ian!

So naturally, I have been genetically gifted with the ability to run relatively slowly over very short distances.

It's hard to say, they have their pros and their cons.

Because it was an electro-light!

He’s been undie-feeted ever since.

U sain my bolt?

Do Ping

I guess Lorraine’s down in Africa.

Anti fun gal.

I said, "That's fine but please be careful. If you quit swimming at the wrong time, you could die."

But I treated it before it got a toe hold.

Wife's eyes almost rolled over completely when I laid that one on her.

Her name is Cardi O

Just run with it. It doesn’t matter.

I don't get it, I've just been telling them to take a Hike.

Me: "No thanks, I'm not much of an athlete. Is it okay if I just pay with my card?"

A college athlete.

Hello everyone. Today, a 72-year-old man named Mike came into my office. Mike blessed me with many gifts, a sampling of which I would like to share with you all here.

First, Mike asked how I was. I said "good, how are you?" Mike: I had a dream last night I was a muffler. And when I woke up it scared me because I was exhausted.

Mike also has an ex wife. "My Ex wife was so ugly her mom made her go trick or treating by telephone so she didn’t scare the other children."

Not just one ex wife, Mike has two ex wives. "My ex wife was so ugly I used to take her to work with me so I didn’t have to kiss her goodbye"

Mike does a lot of work for various charities. "I asked the lady at a restaurant if I could post my flyer for an event in the window. She said 'that depends, are you a non-profit?' I said 'lady I've got two ex wives, I haven't had profit in 30 years!'"

Those darn ex wives. "I’m so poor a pick pocket tried to rob me the other day and all he got was practice."

Mike actually came to my office to tell me about a basketball camp he's putting on next week. He's been playing basketball for 64 years. "I was a great athlete in high school. I was voted most valuable player by all the cheerleaders."

There was one girl though who got away. "There was a girl who lived down the street and I used to call her all the time and say 'Sarah, can I come over?' and she'd say no. So one day she called & said “Mike, come over, nobody's home.” So I went to her house and she was right, there wasn’t anybody there."

That girl may be why he didn't play baseball. "I played football, basketball and track. Someone asked me 'Mike, why didn't you play baseball?' I said 'because I was already so good at striking out!'"

Anyways, Mike went on to have a lengthy career in TV and radio, until he didn't. "I had to quit my job for medical reasons. My boss said I made her sick."

Thank you for your time.

My New Year’s resolution is to be more limber and athletic, so I asked the instructor at my gym: “Can you teach me to do the splits in 4 weeks?”

Instructor: ”That depends; how flexible are you?”

Me: ”I can’t make Tuesdays”

He's not athletic, and he'd never fought before. I thought he was crazy to even enter it, but he said he had a plan to win: he would wrap his feet in underwear. I didn't see how that would help, but he surprised us all and went undie-feeted.

An O'Limpdick athlete.

Brazil. They brought 8 Brazilian athletes.

Seems like a vas improvement so far.

The urologist told me that I need to use an athletic supporter for 3 to 7 days following the procedure but he also said not to ejaculate for at least a week so what exactly am I supposed to do with this cheerleader in my basement?

Speaking of birth control, what's the difference between permanent female sterilization and a Russian bakery? Well, one's a tubal ligation, the other's a Ruble pie station.

My greatest regret in all this is that I can no longer dress up for Halloween as a pirate and carrying around a sign that says, "Ask me what I use to convey sperm from my testicle to my urethra," for the sake of replying, "A vas, matey!"

Look, these are hard to come up with and my nads are sore. Give me something to make the wife groan that sexy, "why did I marry you" groan that we all love.

My husband and I were watching the parade of nations and Belize was entering the stadium. The population and number of athletes were displayed on the bottom and I said, "Wow, I didn't know Belize had such a small population. Not even half a million people."

My husband replied, "Yea, it's pretty unbeliezable."

Do you know what athletes have the most strokes? Second is golfers. First is swimmers. Breast stroke, back stroke, side stroke....

Turned to my wife and said,

"Every athlete is planting a Brazilian seeds. That's too many seeds.

I mean I can totally see 10 per athlete,

But a Brazilian? Holy crap."

Not a direct joke, but I was glad to hear on the radio the other day that the inspiration behind the invention of the sports bra was a dad joke

http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2017/09/29/554476966/40-years-of-athletic-support-happy-anniversary-to-the-sports-bra

Listening to the BBC coverage when the presenter said it was time to see Who Won What. I told my son and wife "Ah yes, the promising young Chinese athlete". The groaning is my victory!!

While watching the Olympics, my mom saw a black athlete that she figured was from Russia. She remarked... >"Oh, I didn't know there were Black Russians."

My dad replied in a matter-of-fact tone, without missing a beat... >"Yea, you just don't add the cream."

If athletes get Athlete's Foot, what do astronauts get? Mistletoe.

My Dad and I were taking about how my sister paid for her rent at college.

Me: "Well you don't have to pay anything for me anymore" (I'm on a full athletic scholarship)

Him: "I've gotta pay to follow you around to your games"

Me: "You do that of your own accord"

Him: "No, I drive an Altima to the games"

He was talking about my best planking times (because he likes to keep me athletic) while looking through a record of my planking times, and believed that I could have worked for a longer duration on one session.

I said, " Yeah, I just got bored."

He retorted, "You didn't get board, you got plank."

Apparently someone has been shot with a starter pistol at the athletics track

Police think it may be race related

We were traveling to Austin, Texas to watch the first rounds of the NCAA tournament. We had the opportunity to take a tour of the UT campus while there. As we were walking through their athletics facility my friend says, "All of this orange is rather "Austin"tatious".

Her name is Cardi O.

She's an athletic trainer Her name is Cardi-O