Assault and battery Puns

A Dura'cell'

One comes out of a shaker and the other comes from a pack

He walked into the police station and yelled "help! I'm on five per cent!" First, a cop punched him. Then, one of them plugged him in to a power bank Suddenly he had reached 100%. It was a miracle They charged him with assault and battery

My mother, who was watching this go down, just laughs and says, "Assault and battery!"

She then left the room, cackling.

A soldier drags a power cable across a battlefield. He is leading the charge.

A stray bullet breaks the cable and the soldier gets electrocuted. He was shell shocked.

The soldier starts flailing, hitting another soldier. He was charged with assault.

The charge jumps to Soldier 2 on contact. It became assault and battery.

I work in an office with 2 other guys and we all get along very well. Once every other week, a cleaning crew comes in to sweep, dust, mop etc.

One of the cleaning crew had a duster out and was dusting my coworkers desk. He told the lady to hit me with the duster as I was acting silly as usual. She said she couldn't as she would go to jail for battery. I said, "No. You would go to jail for assault with a dusty weapon."

The audible groans and chuckles were fuel to my dad humoured fire.

...would I get arrested and charged with an assault with battery charge?

They were charged with Assault and Battery.

I didn't get charged with robbery. I got charged with assault and battery.

Well of course I told him to stop or he’d be charged with assault and battery

The charge was assault and battery.

After a long day at school i was on skype with a friend with she told me to take a rest from work, jokingly i said "oh yeah make me " she said "you better or ill hit you with these" pointing to some batteries she had in her hand. As seriously as possible i respond with "ill charge you with assault and battery " i laughed for like five minutes. She hung up but totally worth it.

When talking about a former student throwing batteries at her, my teacher told us the student was later arrested for the incident "and charged with... you guessed it assault and BATTERY!!!!!"

Bf: well, let's go get you the chicken for your soup.

Me: And the batteries.

Bf: And the batteries.

Me: and a salt.

Bf: What?

Me: So I can have assault and battery with my chicken! goes into a laughing fit

Bf:sigh did you just?

Me: still laughing yes.

She is charged with assault, and the flashlight is charged with battery.