They're now training monkeys to be suicide bombers and they are known as.....
I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer.
Just started my new job as a security guard. The supervisor told me my job would be to watch the office at night.
I’m on season eight. Still not sure what this has to do with security.
I quit my job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, ‘This isn’t for me.”
Why is England described as being a wet country?
The Queen has reigned over it for decades
I've decided I don't want to be fat, so I now identify as skinny.
Guess that means I'm trans-slender
Eight days in and this year looks like it might be as bad as last year. Possibly even worse. If it does turn out worse, well, you know what they say...
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
While watching Harry Potter once, I said to my Dad “I wonder what the Hogwarts version of a dirty magazine would be” as Harry was rooting through his chest of things.
Without skipping a beat he said “Whorelocks.”
What did the carpenter say as they were being arrested?
'An Inconvenient Truth' should be classed as a horror film.
There's so much Gore in it.
Not sure if this qualifies as dad joke, but anyways here I go: I had to strongly disagree with a friend who accused me of being a severe fence-sitter
Then again, I get where he’s coming from.
Is it hard to find a two letter pronoun that can be used to refer to oneself as an object?
We’re you aware that the NFL has a rule on professional athletes and the animals they can own as pets? They are prohibited from owning a duck as a pet!
"Hats" should be spelled as "HATS"
I finally got the Covid vaccine yesterday and as I was driving I noticed my vision was blurry. I called the vaccination center and asked if I should go to the doctor or hospital. They said no.
But they encouraged me to immediately return to the vaccination center to pick up my glasses.
My friends just told me that efts grow to be small salamanders that are usually semiaquatic as adults...
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!”
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
Bruce Lee: Be formless, shapeless like water. Harper Lee: Things are never as bad as they seem.
Pars Lee: I go well with Italian food.
My son turned 21 today and as we were about to share our first drink together, I wisely advised him, "Remember, vodka may not be the answer!"
As much as they tried, the ladies couldn't get Mr. Peanut out onto the dance floor.
He was a bit of a wall nut.
Did you hear that due to the high demand for toilet paper they are going to allow it to be used as currency?
You know people use a bag of rocks as a metaphor for being stupid....
But it took one stone to figure out the theory of relativity.
I went to a costume party dressed as a harp. The host said my costume was too small to be a harp.
I replied, "Are you calling me a lyre?"
9 months from now, there will be a baby boom. 13 years later, will give rise to the next generation, known as....
This pandemic will most likely be remembered as the....
I told my wife I was going to accompany her to get her Covid Vaccine, and see if they could do mine as well. She said they probably wouldn't. I replied, "I don't know..."
The hungry hungry hippos always have something to say when other hippos eat as much as they do
They're very hippo critical
Marine iguana's should be as legal as alcohol!
What did the Muslim train engineer say when his child asked why a creature so perplexing as the platypus would be created?
As a child, my mum told me I could be whoever I wanted when I grew up...
...turns out that’s called identity theft and is illegal.
Just read that FED X are merging with UPS and now will be known as....
The waiter approached me as I finished eating and asked, “you wanna box for those leftovers?”
I replied, “No, I hate violence. May I just pay for it with my card?”
I accidentally left some money in my jeans as they went through the wash.
I just worry because I know it’s illegal to launder money.
Apple just announced their new electric vehicle, the iCar, coming in 2024. Rumor is they’re working on a self driving boat as well.
They’re going to call it the iAye
You know, if a cat or dog plays among us, they will wanna be the...
Why do people become more and more horrible as they grow taller?
I quit my job as a postman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought “This isn’t for me.”
I quit my job as a postman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
I was wondering why frisbees get bigger as they get closer to you....
2022 will be as bad as 2020
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