My favorite song is called “Anvil”.
It’s in the key of B-Flat
I dropped an anvil on the end of my foot...
Now I have to call a toe truck.
Why did the anvil get sent to AA?
He was always getting hammered
Did you hear about the time an anvil fell on Dr. Pepper?
I was wondering where I put my anvil...
I saw a table book about about anvils recently.
I just couldn't pick it up.
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling “I stepped on a Bee!”
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
Ever heard of the story of the Rabbit nursery?
Did you ever hear the story of about the gymnast who got a concussion?
A woman walks into a bar.
(Bear with me its a long setup) A frog walks into a bank and asks a woman named Patricia Whack for a loan. "My father is Mick Matter" he says, placing a ceramic elephant on the counter. Patricia goes to her boss and tells him the story, asking "what is this?" And placing the elephant on his desk.
The man replies " It's A knicknack, patty whack, give the frog a loan, his old mans a rolling stone (also I meant Mick jagger my autocorrect sucks balls)
Did I ever tell the story of the time I went to the seafood disco?
I used to be a judge for the world orchestra championships, but I quit because too many of them were coming out with outlandish sob stories to win me over...
Always trying to get the symphony vote.
Here's an interesting story of how I have a black thick furred animal with short tail that walks on soles of its feet
The story is long ,bear with me
Have you heard the story of the blunt pencil?
True story: My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Have you heard the tragic story about the little bird that became a cardiologist?
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"
Mick Hucknalls mother used to read him bedtime stories every night and use different and creative voices for all the characters, but he hated it
He preferred it simply red
Did you hear the sad story about the Italian chef?
Grandma is always saying to me ' Hey what's the name of that German guy again who keeps taking my stuff '
Alzheimer, Grandma, it's Alzheimer.
Little story I remembered of my dad getting me good
I was about 9, local indoor water park had just opened and it had a wave machine! I was in the lazy river with my dad when the sirens came on to let people.know the wave machine is starting, I asked my dad what it was, he told me it means you have to wave and to make sure I was waving when we exited the river, I still look back on it now and think, "you dickhead"
There was a story in the paper today about a dog that ran 3 miles just to find a stick...
I thought it was a little far fetched.
What do cannibals serve at the beginning of dinner party?
Did you know a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence?
For example
- I ate my friend's lunch
- I ate my friend's colon
SpongeBob may be the main character of the show.
Have you heard the story of how 8 was born?
5 had unprotected 6 with 7
I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.
The one and only acceptable way of advertising
I don't think I'll be able to tell you the whole story about the rich kid's birthday presents
(true story) My wife asked why I was hiding some baby formula in the closet.
I told her "because it's my secret formula"!
Ah sorry i didn't read the name of the subreddit right
Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.
But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.
My friend was trying to feed her baby but he was having none of it. I said "Try the Airplane."
She said, "Airplane? What is it?"
"It's a classic spoof film from the 1980s but that's not important right now."
I've written a stage representation of a story in which all lines are puns, and the stage is covered with the pages of a dictionary...
It's the story of a father that invented a machine.
He shows it to his son, all proud, and says : "You see, son, when you put a donkey in this end of the machine, a sausage will automatically come out."
The son, very confused, asks : "But dad, is there a way to do the opposite, insert a sausage and a donkey comes out?"
The father proudly answers : "Yes son, your mom."
The CEO of IKEA was just selected as the Prime Minister of Sweden
He’s assembling his cabinet.
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
True story: I sent my dad a picture of the loaf of bread I made witha bread machine. He instantly responded with :
So we all know that you find H2O inside a fire hydrant, but what do you find on the outside of a fire hydrant?
What is the opposite of isolate?
I need someone to repair the stone wall in the front of my house, but I don’t have a lot of money.
Incidentally, Free Masons are not what they sound like.
All hail the holy antlers of the deer god
It just occurred to me that the opposite of Artificial Intelligence is …
Real story: I was talking to the Waitress at a breakfast restaurant where a Jeep wheel had just blown out the front window.
I told her she looked exhausted. When you start your day like that you’re tired all day.
The Adventures of the Mathmagician (an educational and punny comic).
How do you determine the mass of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden.
He's currently assembling his cabinet.
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