A therapist was with a client when another client burst in and said, "Doc, you gotta help me! I keep having a nightmare that I'm stuck inside a deck of cards."

The therapist looked at him calmly and said, "I'm with another client. I'll deal with you later."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jfshay
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter said to me, โ€œI see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?โ€

I said, โ€œWhy would I want two empty glasses?โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 16 2017
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I was at a concert of which a Scandinavian woman was playing on stage, one of my friends turns to me and remarks โ€œI wonder if sheโ€™s from Swedenโ€ another friend says โ€œmaybe Norway?โ€ My final friend asks โ€œdo you thinks sheโ€™s Finnish?โ€

I boastfully reply โ€œI fucking hope not sheโ€™s only been on five minutesโ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Mr-Suggs
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
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Boss: "what's that?", Me: (with much enthusiasm) "it's a SPACE BAR!!!!!" *wets myself laughing*, Boss: "...................." *delivers withering look* "are you allowed to stick things on your laptop?", Me: *dies inside at another badly landed pun*
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HumusGoose
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 16 2018
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My girlfriend lives in another city. Last night she texted me saying "I wish you were here; the rains are beautiful".

I replied with "So...you want me to c'monsoon?"

She hasn't replied yet.

Guess she stormed out.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/srinivas-seshadri
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 09 2016
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Can you help me with a crossword? I need another word for "Instruments in a string quartet."

Because violins is never the answer.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Mad87Wallaby
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 17 2018
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A duck walks into a bar

and orders a drink, then a little while after he finished that drink he ordered another and he accidentally drops the glass containing the drink and he says to the waitress put it on my bill, so the waitress begins to grab the glass shards that were on the ground and carefully placed them on the ducks bill and the duck asks what are you doing and the waitress says Iโ€™m putting it on your bill and the duck sarcastically says ohhhh you really quack me up and the waitress says oh I'm sorry did I ruffle your feathers.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mr-awsome-
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/communist_scumbag
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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My father was in the army...

And I remember he used to be stationed in exotic places all over the world. Once he came back home with a very exotic looking bird. I asked him what kind of a bird it was and he told me itโ€™s a rare almost extinct species called a Foux (pronounced Foo). This foux was the apple of his eye and he would take care of the bird as if it was his own child. Sometime during this period the Foux began developing a real bad case of constipation and my father was really worried about it. He tried all kinds of medicines to make the Foux pass itโ€™s bowels, but nothing was working. One day, during this period, I woke up to a huge argument taking place between my parents. My mom was accusing him of cheating on her during one of his tours, she had found some pictures of him and another woman and he was denying it vehemently. I realized then that my father had been quite the philanderer and this wasnโ€™t the first time he had been caught. My mom was trying to get him to just admit to his indiscretion.

โ€œWhy donโ€™t you just admit it Harryโ€, she said;

but he stuck to his denial,

โ€œYou think I could ever do something like this Sarahโ€, he said.

Right then amidst all this ruckus, the Foux began to take a dump, in the middle of the living room.

My mom looked at the bird, then looked back at my dad and with a sense of resignation she just said โ€œWell if the Foux shits...โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RangaRedRascal
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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A real conversation between my brother and his wife + me

Brother: Babe, we need to eat all the pears, theyโ€™re going to go bad soon.

SIL: but I donโ€™t like pears, you can eat the rest of them...

Brother: I donโ€™t think I can eat the rest of them by myself though...

Me, from another part of the room: well you better pre-pear yourself!

*ugly laughs from the couch

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/easolo23
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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Having gay parents must be horrible

You either get twice the amount of dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom."

Edit: On another Sub someone called me a homophobe. I want to say I'm not a homophobe it was simply a light hearted joke. I'm gay myself and wouldn't want to create hate or controversy. So sorry if I offended anyone.

Edit 2: Thanks for giving me my first award.

Edit 3: if you have heard it else where then fine Like this one guy in the comments said "Iโ€™ve seen it a few times but no doubt many people havenโ€™t. No reason a good joke canโ€™t be posted bc someoneโ€™s posted it in the past."

Edit 4: making too many edits but thanks for the gold kind stranger (And all of them means alot)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SergeantSolar
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
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My wife got me good and there was nothing I could do

I was playing with our toddler when for whatever reason Humpty Dumpty popped in my head. I started trying to think of a funny rhyme about Dumpty cracking open and being unable to pay for US medical care and thus now lives a pain-addled, poor life. Yeah, idk.

Anyway, I couldnโ€™t think of the original second half of the rhyme and so I asked my wife. She told me the rhyme and I said thanks. After a short silence goes by she goes,

โ€œWhat are you doing, trying to think of another lame dad yolk?โ€

I didnโ€™t know my son had two dads but I know now

Edit: typos

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BoutTreeeFiddy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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Many years after the great flood, God came to Noah again and spoke: โ€œNoah, it is my wish that you build another ark.โ€

Rather worried, Noah said โ€œBut my Lord, have the people not been good this time? Must there be another flood?โ€

โ€œNo, there will not be a flood, the people have been good.โ€ Said the Lord.

โ€œThen why another ark?โ€ Asked Noah.

โ€œI wish for this ark to only house fish.โ€ The Lord replied.

A slightly confused Noah responded โ€œOkay... I shall do as you wish my Lord.โ€

โ€œBut not just any fish; only carp.โ€ The Lord said unto him.

Noah, now more bemused, replied โ€œUh- okay my Lord.โ€

โ€œOne more thing.โ€ The Lord said unto him โ€œit needs to have multiple levels.โ€

โ€œAre you sure my Lord? What is the purpose of this? What on earth is it all for?โ€ Noah pressed.

And God said: โ€œI want you to build a multi-story carp-ark.โ€

Passed from my father unto me, to pass onto my son when he becomes a father.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Dongwaffler
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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Thank you

This isn't a dad joke. This is a thank you to everyone on this subreddit. 6 weeks ago the love of my life broke things off with me due to factors attributed to my mental health (which i didn't tell her about because she is struggling with uni and i didn't want her to worry) and I've been having an extremely difficult time coming to terms with it. She's falling for another guy while I've been self destructing to the point where she never wants to talk to me again. But i found this subreddit today, the jokes are so stupid and funny that for the first time since before the breakup, I've laughed and it was genuine. Thank you so much for your stupid jokes. You've saved my life as far as I'm concerned. I still have a long way to to, but this subreddit is definitely going to get me through it. Thank you ๐Ÿ’–

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/xcixjames
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
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Dad Jokes

It was a brisk Saturday morning when Gerald arrived at โ€œThe Cafรฉ,โ€ a hip coffee shop right down the street. Wearing his large, burly black coat, he stared hesitantly at his watch. Thick glasses adorned his bright blue eyes, his gaze like starlight in a clear night sky. He was waiting, intently twiddling his thumbs. After a buzz of his phone, the message from Dad popped up: โ€œParking now, be there in 5.โ€

โ€œDad,โ€ he whispered under his breath, swiping the message away to once again reveal the image on his lock-screen: a hazy picture of an ultrasound.

Gerald had not spoken to his father for three years. They had had a falling out, over which he did not remember. To him it was a competition of who could wait the longest without calling or sending a text. Who could wait the longest: him without a father, or his father without a son? The idea of friction in the relationship hurt like a thorn; piercing his soul more and more everyday. Until recently, out of the blue, โ€œDadโ€ popped up on his phone. The rest is history. The rest leads to that Saturday morning, at The Cafรฉ.

Bang! A car door rang out not too far from where Gerald stood. Gerald saw him. His father wore his tweed jacket like a coat of armor. His strut was now weaker than before they stopped talking; a weakness evident in his cane which supported every right step. His shortly trimmed white beard juxtaposed against his uncut, curly grey hair gave him the image of a wise wizard from a fairytale. He used to be that figure to Gerald, yet instead of a nice ancient being acting like a stone to keep him grounded, Gerald had felt as though his father was a rock pulling him deeper and deeper into a sea of monotony. Holding him back from his true potential. Maybe that was why he left? He still did not know.

โ€œHello, son,โ€ came the withered voice Gerald had sook for so long, yet now that it had arrived wanted to avoid. โ€œI canโ€™t believe itโ€™s been so long!โ€

โ€œYeah,โ€ said Gerald, allowing a smile to grace his face. โ€œToo long!โ€

Then they hugged, signifying a change in their relationship. Gerald had hoped something could happen to bring them closer together. He did not want to go on wondering what could have been. The regret and sadness weighed him down. Before starting a new family, Gerald wanted to be reacquainted with his own.

After finding their table and sitting down, the two began to discuss life. It was like old friends catching up after a long break. Although it took some time, Gerald began to warm u

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sullyrr
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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A constipated man goes to visit his doctor.

"Doc, I haven't pooped in a week! Please help!"

Doc says sure, and writes him a prescription for a weeks worth of suppositories.

Man comes back the next day, "doc, I took the entire script last night, but nothing happened!"

The doc is shocked, as in his experience suppositories are very effective, and after taking a weeks worth he should have definitely had a BM. Oh well, the doc thinks, and gives him another weeks worth.

Guy comes back the next day. The doc says incredulously, "you've taken 2 weeks worth of suppositories in 2 days, and nothing happened?!?! What are you doing with them, eating them?!?!"

The man replies, "What'd you expect me to do with them, Shove 'em up my ass?!?!"



I don't know if this would normally be considered a dad joke, but it's my dad's favorite joke so I think it should count.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Officer_PoopyPants
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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[True story of Dad] The cat

I used to have a black cat named Big Guy. When I left for college, he stayed with my parents. One day I got a call from my mom and she mentioned he was missing. They hadn't seen him in a week. He was an indoor/outdoor cat and would occasionally disappear for a few days, but a whole week was unusual.

Anyway, I was bummed. I was set to visit the next week and was looking forward to seeing my cat.

I flew home and... it was weird. Now they had two cats! Both black. And Big Guy was back! But... why two cats now?

So here's the dad part. My mom started to really miss him. My dad saw this and went to the local shelters to see if anyone turned him in. He said, "After the 3rd one, I pretty much gave up."

So then my mom said, "So your father got another cat he thought looked "close enough" and tried to convince me it was Big Guy. I said, 'Have you lost it? This cat is a GIRL!'"

Then Big Guy came home.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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OC posted in honor of my dear father-in-law, who died of cancer today

Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:

โ€œWell, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that Iโ€™d beat lung cancer...โ€

pauses for effect

โ€œ...I guess I let it go to my head.โ€

Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...Iโ€™ll be making matching gifts to St. Judeโ€™s or a similar organization).

Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another โ€˜incurableโ€™ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bilgerat78
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
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A man and a woman are at a bar

A man and a woman are sitting in a bar. After some time, the woman notices that the man has not looked in her direction once. Curious, she asks the man if he would like to buy her a drink.

Playing coy the man responds, "Ma'am, you are beautiful indeed, but are you talented as well?"

Feeling flirty, the woman takes a cherry from the bar and puts it in her mouth, stem and all. Within seconds she swallows the cherry, spits out the seed, and reveals the stem, tied in a perfect knot.

The man chuckles. Without another word he picks up a cherry and pulls off the stem. He puts the stem in his mouth, and pounds the rest of his beer in one gulp, revealing and empty mouth to the woman.

Perplexed, the woman asks, "Is that supposed to impress me?"

Confidently, the man replies, "Indeed I do believe it will."

She laughs and says, "It will? Are you shitting me?"

He responds, "I shit you knot."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MadeToDisagree
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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The ultimate Dad Joke - Bulgarian Train Man

This has been my favourite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacberated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I dont get it," says the executioner. "I didnt let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit: Thanks for the Gold stranger! Edit: And Silver!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/QuiltedButts
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
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I'm a fairly new dad and I'm proud of this

I was out grocery shopping yesterday and was looking at wines. The lady next to me grabbed a bottle but knocked another bottle to the floor. It broke and red wine went everywhere. I said the first thing that came to mind...

"Caught you red handed".

She looked and me and started laughing. One of my proudest moments.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KingLui014
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
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Did you know mythological creatures have their own dentist's office?

It's true, I saw it today and they were suuuuuuper busy! The waiting room was packed, and every time the orderly would come out to call in another patient, the half-man-half-horse would get all excited; "is it my turn now? oh, pick me, pick me!" and all that jazz. Of course, every time it was actually someone else's turn; the Kraken, or the Minotaur, or the Chupacabra. Eventually it seemed to get on the Satyr's nerves, because he yelled over "pipe down, Mike, we're all sick of you needing to be the Centaur of attention!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mrbadxampl
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
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A man walks into an empty bar, with just the bartender present

He sits down and orders a beer

Then hears a soft voice say "That's a really good color on you"

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone, shrugs, and sips his beer.

Shortly there after he hears another study voice whisper "That's a really nice tie"

Looking at the bartender the man says "Do you hear those voices? Because no one else is here except you and me!"

The bartender says "Oh yeah.. Sorry about that.. Its the peanuts, they are complimentary"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/PM_WhatMadeYouHappy
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 12 2020
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I heard a story once about a train driver.

He was operating a late night train and fell asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognise a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given the choice of final meal and chose a single banana, oddly. His time came and he was placed into the chair, the room vacated and then the switch was thrown.

But... Nothing. No sparks, no burning, nothing. They checked the machine and it was working fine, it just seemed not to harm him. The state law meant that, legally, his sentence had been carried out and he was free to go. He walked away a free man, and actually got another job as a train driver.

Sadly, almost exactly the same thing happened again. This time his negligence killed two kids playing around on the tracks when again he'd fallen asleep and failed to stop the train in time. Hauled before the courts again, he got exactly the same sentence - the electric chair. He was asked again for his final meal, chose two bananas this time, and his sentence was carried out again.

And yet again, he didn't die. In fact, he was entirely unharmed. The state law remained the same, so he was let out again, where - somehow - he got another job with another train company. I guess it was the only job he was trained for (pardon the pun). Anyway, this time he did much better and worked hard to stay awake during his late shifts. But sure enough, eventually he slipped back in to old habits and this time killed five people - a family trying to free their dog stuck in the tracks.

Once again he faced a jury, once again they found him guilty and a judge sentenced him to the electric chair. This time he asked for 5 bananas, but the guard was wiley - he has read about this man and how he always had bananas before his sentence was carried out, and so this time (with a grin, it's said) he brought the train driver 5 apples instead. The guilty man plead and begged for bananas, but the guard claimed it was an honest mistake but too late to change now.

The man was lead for a third time to the electric chair. His head was wetted, his arms strapped in, and the guard eyed him with something between wonder and fear. Finally the room was vacated and the switch thrown. Surely this time the machine would do its job? With the process finished, the guard ran back into the room, only to find the man still alive and looking entirely healthy. "I do

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/homelesspancake
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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I APOLOGIZE IF THIS HAS BEEN POSTED ALREADY

A man with a sack walks into a bar. He orders his first drink. The bartender asks, โ€œWhatโ€™s in that sack?โ€ The man replies. Itโ€™s nothing, donโ€™t worry about it. Later in the night, the man orders another drink. The bartender asks again, โ€œWhatโ€™s in the sack?โ€ The man again replies, โ€œItโ€™s nothing worth seeing, donโ€™t worry.โ€ Later, the man comes up for his third drink. The bartender says, โ€œLook, if you show me whats in that sack, Iโ€™ll give you a free drink. Whatever you want.โ€ The man thinks for a moment, and opens the sack. He pulls out a tiny man, and a tiny piano. The tiny man starts playing the tiny piano. The bartender, surprised, asks, โ€œWow! Whereโ€™d you get this guy?โ€ The man pulls out a magic lamp from the sack. โ€œThis thing. It can grant any wish. But the wish wonโ€™t be 100% accurate.โ€ The bartender asks, โ€œCan I try it out?โ€ The man gives the magic lamp to the bartender. โ€œI wish I had 100 bucks.โ€ A few seconds later, 100 ducks waddle into the bar. The bartender says, โ€œYouโ€™re right. This thing isnt very accurateโ€ The man says, โ€œI know. did you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/arandomduckdog
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
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An ant joke

๐ŸœAn ant knocked on the door of a house.

The house owner opened the door.

"I want a place to stay," said the ant.

"I have a vacant room which you can occupy for free of cost," said the owner.

The ant went inside and occupied the vacant room.

After some days, the ant brought in another ant ๐Ÿœand requested the owner, "Can you please allow this ant to stay with me?"

"Oh sure, you can do so without paying any rent," said the owner.

After some days the ant brought a 3rd ๐Ÿœant and requested the owner to allow it to stay with them.

The owner agreed to it without asking for any rent.

This went on as the ๐Ÿœant brought in more and more ants and the owner agreed to let them stay without any rent.

One fine day, the ant brought in the 10th ant ๐Ÿœand requested the owner to allow it to stay with them all.

The owner said, "OK, you can all stay here but now you all need to pay rent."

Now the question is:

Why did the owner ask for rent when the 10th ant came in? .

.

.

. ๐Ÿค” .

. ๐Ÿค” .

๐Ÿค” . .

..

.

. .

๐Ÿค” .

. . ๐Ÿค” . . .

. . .๐Ÿค”

Because they were now tenants! ๐Ÿœ๐Ÿœ๐Ÿœ๐Ÿœ๐Ÿœ๐Ÿœ๐Ÿœ๐Ÿœ๐Ÿœ๐Ÿœ

๐Ÿ‘︎ 23
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/propiggymaster
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
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An Ant is lying in its death bed in North Korea.

He calls his son and says he wanted to tell him something for a long time.

Son Ant : What is it dad?

Father Ant : I cannot say that in this god forbidden country we have to move immediately to France or Italy before i am dead.

Confused,the Son Ant made arrangements to move to France.They boarded a spy ship which took them to south Korea.From there they boarded a flight to France.With great difficulty they finally reached France.The father ant's health became worse.The son ant was thinking what was so important that they had to move to another country, So when they settled in their new home he finally asked..

Son Ant : Dad, We are in France now you can tell whatever you were going to tell me. The Father could not speak up so he signaled his son to come closer.The son did.

Father Ant: Son, We are now Europeants.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 31
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/NoOne77492
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
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A Dad joke planted as a seed, which took 17 years to flower.

Not quite as tragic, but it manifested into something which has haunted me at my job for years.

When I was a little kid learning about the world around me, my dad was naturally the font of all knowledge for me, He would answer all of little snippersmith's questions with his own unique insights and anecdotes teaching me of my surroundings with varying degrees of accuracy.

One day In a picture book, I encountered a photo of one of natures most bizarre creatures, the mighty duck billed platypus. Filled with curiosity of this bizarre creature and an Inability to read a young snippersmith asked his father what this creature was called, To which his father replied,

That's a Quackopotamous.....

As is a highly likely situation in day to day life the Platypus (or indeed the Quackopotamous), did not come into conversation for another 17 years, Until of course the Platypus came into conversation around the lunch table at a now grown up snippersmith's full time place of work.

I have not been allowed to forget I thought the Platypus was called a Quackopotamous, Indeed I am reminded on a daily basis by my colleagues, by my nickname Quackopotamous .

Thanks Dad.

EDIT 1: Holy Cow this took off! Gold! thank you so much.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/snippersmith
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 21 2016
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You can always count on my dad to respond to everything with a dad joke.

So my mom has a phobia of mice and she found one in my old room (Iโ€™m away at college). My dad said he would โ€œtake care of itโ€, which he did, but then the cat killed another one and so sheโ€™s upset and was texting my dad things like โ€œI canโ€™t live here knowing thereโ€™s mice, itโ€™s been nice knowing you.โ€ And my dadโ€™s first response was โ€œyou saying itโ€™s been mice knowing me?โ€ Such a classic dad move, I laughed so hard even though I probably shouldnโ€™t have.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dixiecup3
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
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Early morning work groans are the best groans

A little too proud of this one...

So Iโ€™m on my usual Tuesday morning conference call with a bunch of vendors, coworkers, bosses, etc...

With his dog barking in the background one of my bosses chimes in and says โ€œJust so you all know, Iโ€™m on the call but Iโ€™m outside right now having my roof looked at so I might be a little distractedโ€.

I couldnโ€™t resist... With the instincts of a wild puma plotting against itโ€™s poor defenseless prey, I pounce...

โ€œIs your dog lookin at it?

Cuz he keeps saying ROOF!!! ROOF ROOF!!!โ€

I was immediately rewarded with a spectacular cacophony of groans and โ€œthat was awfulโ€โ€™s... It was glorious. Iโ€™m pretty sure Iโ€™ll get another promotion for it.

EDIT: So... no promotion... but in a pure, hilarious coincidence, I actually DID just get the news that I'm finally getting that raise they promised me at my last review. Too fuckin funny.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 437
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/OreoGaborio
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 10 2018
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So I was getting gas today..

And I saw a woman smoking while she was fueling. I'm sitting there in dismay when I look over at another pump and see two cops leaning against their car eating hotdogs.

I start giving them this look of "don't you see this? Are you going to do anything?" they seemed unconcerned.

Just as I look back to the woman, I see her arm had caught fire and she's freaking out, flaling her arm around trying to put it out. Suddenly the cops tackle her, putting out the fire and then they arrest her.

I asked them "well, why the hell are you arresting her for? Isn't getting burned bad enough? One of the cops just looked at me and said

"She was waving around a firearm! "

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Cresano
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 14 2017
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Funny quotes from Blackadder the Third

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): I have come up with a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel.

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Morning, Mr. B.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Leave me alone, Baldrick. If I wanted to talk to a vegetable, I would have bought one at the market.

[Referring to a suicide pill they have both been given, after being captured by French revolutionaries]

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Iโ€™m glad to say you wonโ€™t be needing that pill, Mr. B.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words โ€œI have a cunning planโ€ marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): They certainly are.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Well, forgive me if I donโ€™t do a cartwheel of joy; your record in this department is hardly 100%. So what is it?

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): We do nothing โ€ฆ

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Yup, itโ€™s another world-beater.

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): No, wait. We do nothing โ€ฆ until our heads have actually been cut off.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): And then we โ€ฆ spring into action?

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): [to Baldrick] Unless I think of something, tomorrow we go to meet our Maker: in my case God, in your case God knows.

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Sounds like a bag of grapefruits to me, Mr B.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): The phrase, Baldrick, is โ€œa case of sour grapesโ€ โ€“ and yes it bloody well is.

Mrs. Miggins: The Scarlet Pimpernel, Mr. Blackadder! Heโ€™s so exciting, donโ€™t you think?

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Actually, I think heโ€™s the most over-rated human being since Judas Iscariot won the AD31 Best Disciple Competition.

http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/funny-quotes-from-blackadder-the-third/

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tfraymond
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
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My son asked me, "Dad, what is an idiot?"

I said, "An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?"

He replied, "No."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 02 2017
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This one might need a little more incubation.

One unhatched chick turns to another one that's hatching and says, "Egg-scuse me, omelette you finish, but have you heard any good yolks lately that might crack me up?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Cletis_gee
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 01 2019
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A blonde woman walks past a store window....

A blonde woman walks past a store window. She sees a sign that says "we do not sell to blondes" in the window, but goes in anyways.

She finds an employee and points at a TV and says "I want that TV!". But the employee says "sorry ma'am, we don't sell to blondes."

She decides to go home and try again the next day. She dyes her hair and puts on different clothes. She walks in, finds an employee, points at a TV and says "I want that TV!". But again, the employee says "I'm sorry ma'am, but we don't sell to blondes."

The woman is now very angry. She goes home to try a third time. She cuts her hair, dyed it again, puts on makeup and new clothes, and tries again the next day.

She walks in and finds another employee, points at the TV, and says "I want that TV!". But for a third time, the employee says "ma'am, I'm sorry, but we don't sell to blondes."

At this point the woman is furious. She exclaims, "How did you know I was I blonde?"

The employee calmly answers, "Ma'am, that's a microwave."

((My dad told me this one.))

๐Ÿ‘︎ 25
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ElsaFrozen2013
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
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There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath....

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.

Many years passed by like that.

At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.

With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:

  • Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.

A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the strangerโ€™s hand and immediately he asked:

  • Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasnโ€™t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didnโ€™t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:

  • Thank you

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 61
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Doty152
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
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We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter said to me, โ€œI see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?โ€

I said, โ€œWhy would I want two empty glasses?โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 98
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 05 2018
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A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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OC posted in honor of my dear father-in-law, who died of cancer today

Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:

โ€œWell, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that Iโ€™d beat lung cancer...โ€

pauses for effect

โ€œ...I guess I let it go to my head.โ€

Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...Iโ€™ll be making matching gifts to St. Judeโ€™s or a similar organization).

Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another โ€˜incurableโ€™ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 24
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KoronaSenpai
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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The Ultimate Pun

This has been my favorite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I don't get it," says the executioner. "I didn't let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit 1: Thanks for my first gold /u/Lhjnhnas!!!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 414
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DylanTheG999
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 76
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Josvys
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
We were at the aquarium. All dads in the vicinity made the same joke.....

There was a man cleaning a tank but all you could see was his hand. My dad leans to me and says "look! It's a rare hand fish."

The dad next to us with his two kids said "look everyone? Do you see the hand fish? That ones my favorite."

As we walked a way another family walked up and I heard their dad say "here we have the hand fish."

Edit: I told my dad about the response this is getting, to which he replied "Wow. Is it going viral? Should I call my doctor?" (Keep in mind he doesn't know how the internet works.)

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/not_rude_and_ginger
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 09 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The Ultimate Dad Joke: The Bulgarian Train Driver

Okay, so this has been my favorite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I don't get it," says the executioner. "I didn't let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 41
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DylanTheG999
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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