God: *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the "worm" welcome haha...
God: * creates birds *.
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︎ Mar 21 2021
It would be shocking if this isn't a repost but I could not resist
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︎ Mar 08 2021
i'm beginning to feel like a pun god
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︎ Jan 25 2021
What does a Norse god do when they donβt want to attract attention?
They stay low key (Loki).
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︎ Feb 10 2021
A priest in the woods has been attacked by a pack of wolves. In a moment of desperation, the priest started to ask God how to get out of this situation.
The wolves may be predators but he pray
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︎ Mar 02 2021
Jim Carrey is combining the movies where he plays God and a pet detective
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︎ Feb 27 2021
A technique that has been used for decades
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︎ Feb 26 2021
I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.
They said it was grounds for termination.
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︎ Feb 25 2021
My dad being a dad
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︎ Mar 06 2021
What did God do after creating a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth?
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︎ Jan 22 2021
When God lights a cigarette....
Is it with a match made in Heaven ?
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︎ Jan 11 2021
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︎ Dec 01 2020
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
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︎ Oct 29 2020
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, βLarry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?β
Larry replies, βGod and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so Heβs fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When Iβm done, poof! The light goes off.β
βWow, thatβs incredible,β the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larryβs wife.
βBonnie,β he says, βLarry is doing fine! But I had to call you because Iβm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when heβs done, poof, the light goes off?β
βOh sweet Jesusβ, exclaims Bonnie. βHeβs peeing in the refrigerator again!β
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︎ Nov 03 2020
A man walked into a bar and said,
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︎ Mar 15 2021
I asked a Marine if he knew about Egyptian gods.
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︎ Dec 09 2020
Attila the Hun had a pet snake who refused to eat.
He tried everything: rodents, small animals, and even cuts from larger animals, but it wouldn't eat.
As a last resort, he offered a virgin, but still the snake wouldn't eat. So, he called up the village's wise man.
Without hesitation, the wise man put two pieces of bread on the woman, and the snake ate her whole.
When Attila asked why, the wise man responded,
"Thine anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, hun!"
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︎ Nov 14 2020
Now that's a good one..
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︎ Feb 16 2021
Two chinese Christians are having a contest to see who can contact God the fastest. After one wins, the other looks at him and says
π︎ 9k
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︎ Oct 21 2019
I've got the body of a porn star....
All my clothes says XXXX.
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︎ Feb 17 2021
I watched a documentary on how they built the Golden Gate Bridge.
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︎ Jan 27 2021
My Christian wife got mad at me because adultery is a sin
But by god did I love thy neighbor
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︎ Mar 03 2021
There were a group of elderly people say with their phones.
They repeatedly tapped their screens... Read more
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︎ Feb 25 2021
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing
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︎ Feb 05 2021
Most of my friends don't know that I'm actually a shape-shifting Norse god of mayhem and mischief.
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︎ Oct 08 2020
What did the Muslim train engineer say when his child asked why a creature so perplexing as the platypus would be created?
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︎ Mar 17 2021
What does a deaf gynecologist do?
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︎ Dec 10 2020
Ainβt nothing but a heart break
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︎ Sep 18 2020
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, βA beer please, ..."
"... and one for the road."
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︎ Sep 15 2020
A red blood cell was travelling through the bloodstream...
It bumped into another cell and screamed "Jesus Christ!!" God was not happy, he said "You should never use the Lords name in vein."
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︎ Mar 17 2021
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting.
With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
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︎ Jan 25 2021
What you call a deer in the shower ?
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︎ Jan 30 2021
What do you a thin turtle that is a god?
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︎ Jul 09 2020
Now that Iβm officially a dad I have my first good joke. Me and my wife are driving down the road and a bug splats the window.
I turn to her and say βI bet he donβt have the guts to do that againβ
Edit: holy shit yβall this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy
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︎ Aug 04 2020
What do you call it when a Norse god is scared of something?
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︎ Aug 24 2020
My wife was a little puzzled when I suddenly bought some new beads for her abacus. Smiling, I said to her...
"Honey, itβs the little things that count!"
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︎ Aug 10 2020
Step 1: be friends with a god. Step 2: tell other people about your friend.
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︎ Jun 25 2020
What do you call a fortune telling midget who just escaped from prison?
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︎ Jan 11 2021
What do you call a Hindu God taking birth as lightning McQueen
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︎ Jul 17 2020
Iβm thinking of ending my book with God sending a letter to the main character.
A Deus Fax Machina, if you will.
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︎ Jul 06 2020
What happens when you see a dog walking backwards?
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︎ Jan 26 2021
Taken for a ride
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︎ Jun 03 2020
My friend is making a lot of easy money by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.
Itβs like shooting fish in apparel.
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︎ Jun 21 2020
I made a belt of watches...
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︎ Dec 30 2020
Iβm reading a horror book in Braille.
Something bad is going to happen.
I can feel it.
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︎ May 31 2020
A sperm donor, Carpenter, and Julius Caesar walked into a bar
... He came, he saw, he conquered
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︎ Oct 28 2020
Bono and The Edge walk into a bar...
....and the barman says, "Oh God, not U2 again!!"
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︎ Jan 25 2021
Settle a pun debate
I asked two friends for the best pun Bond would utter if he'd just shoved a bad guy into a huge industrial deep-fat fryer. Their responses were:
Friend #1: "Play with fryer, get burnt.
(Isn't there an old saying of don't play with fire unless you want to get burnt?)"
Friend #2: "Why is my instinct to say cool off there?
Let's assume it's christmas. 'Thats a real Crisped Kringle' is what I'd say
Or do I know the guy's dad? Let's say I do. 'Youre a chip of the old block'"
I know, I need new friends. Do me a favour redditors and please tell me whose pun is least awful? And if you have any better ones, I'm all ears! (Mine was "Thank God it's fry day", I'm sure you can all do better).
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︎ Nov 26 2020
Two chinese Christians are having a contest to see who can contact God the fastest. After one wins, the other looks at him and says
π︎ 6
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︎ Oct 22 2020
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