Two drunk guys were fighting. One of them drew a line in the dirt, and said if the other crossed it they would punch them in the face.

That was the punchline.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/i_am_dan17
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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I got tired trying to think of a good posting title for this one.
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of

The Quaranteens

πŸ‘︎ 27k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tecniklee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".

That was the punchline

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/neo-1000
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Two atoms walk into a bar, one says to the other β€œDang, I left my electrons in the car.” The other replies, β€œAre you sure?”

β€œYa, I’m positive.”

πŸ‘︎ 176
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LOLMrTeacherMan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Bit of a long one but this was 6 years ago i punned at my sister for an hour reddit.com/gallery/k2ad0t
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/adam10boy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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Now that was a good one
πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sleeeepy_Hollow
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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"A happy man is one who has found meaning in life"
πŸ‘︎ 131
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RichKestrel
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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One my dad told me a few days ago

Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet? But most only have four.

πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Anyone else here a fan of Fire Emblem? Because I CHROMposed some great puns of one of the main lords! reddit.com/gallery/jy2d6n
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dorkyautisticgirl
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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Two cats are having a swimming race. One is called β€œOne Two Three”, the other β€œUn Deux Trois”. Which cat won?

β€œOne Two Three” because β€œUn Deux Trois” cat sank.

πŸ‘︎ 208
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LindsayLoserface
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
When ducks fly in a V one side is always longer. Do you know the reason?

More ducks

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SimplisticAnswer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
two cannibals are eating a clown, when one says to the other...

"does this taste funny to you?"

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weendul
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
One should eat a healthy meal before going to space.
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/suddenly_ants
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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A man is walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

Bump…

Bump…

Bump…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket still bouncing quickly behind him.

Faster…

Faster…

FASTER…

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

He runs up to his door, fumbles with the keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.

Rushing up the stairs to his bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. His head is reeling. His breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as the casket!

And…

The coffin stops….

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ParadoxXSchock
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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How do you catch a one of a kind rabbit?

Unique up on it

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rabid_Badger_83
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
2 windmills are in a field. One asks: "What kind of music do you like?"

The other responds: "Well, I'm a big metal fan".

πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Master_Achi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
So there's two fish in a tank, one says ...
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unrealhumour
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Imade a similar one a few days ago bit i fpund more squirrels
πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/note_than62
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
This is a good one
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Un_FaZed211
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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Back when I worked at a different brewery, one of the brewers only had one leg.

She was in charge of the hops.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DukeofZebulon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.

I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beanimus0829
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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Hope you have a good one!
πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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The ancient Romans made a lot of deadly poisons. The fourth one they created, however, just made people itchy.

They called it poison IV

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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I asked a friend for one reason I shouldn't murder my boss.

His answer was simple. There is no Netflix in prison.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Imholt11
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œYou need a baby gate? Alright, I got one white one and two blacks, which do you want?”

β€œDad, you can’t say β€˜blacks’ someone might take offense!” β€œ...It’s not a fence, it’s a gate.” Not his best thanksgiving day dad joke, but definitely not expected in the moment πŸ˜‚

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I need a ladder, but can't afford one.

So, steps will have to be taken.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Having one child makes you a parent...

Having two you are a referee

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Don't have a cow about this one
πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Levictual0
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Two burglars are robbing a liquor store. One turns to the other and asks "Is this whiskey" ?

The other replies, "Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank"

πŸ‘︎ 210
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I know this is an old one, but my dad got me with this when I was a kid and I just used it on my son (he loved it): Why do they put walls around cemeteries?

Because people are dying to get in!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RicoCat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know there’s a law stating no one living within 5 miles of a cemetery can be buried there?

Because they’re living

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DronePilotNYC
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Two cows standing in a field, one says moooooo

The other says; I was just about to say that.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigwalksmalltalk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
The other day I was on the dock talking to two of my neighbors… One of them had a cooler full of beers and snacks… Pulling out a beer pops the top and opening a bag of chips, he says β€œMy wife’s an angel

I said, β€œyou’re lucky – mine is still alive…”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A disgruntled employee of an axe throwing establishment was leaving one-star Yelp reviews

Apparently it was a real hatchet job

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/P8ntballz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
One man gets in a car accident every minute in London

Understandably, he's livid!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/qF_I_Leno
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline...

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
There once was a record store. The owner was seventy-four. One day he fell ill then wrote in his will , β€œbury me with records galore”

It was his vinyl resting place

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josentangles
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
When my uncle worked at the iron mill he made a fortune sneaking out material that he could sell. One can say he was very good at steeling.
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rattatamj
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, β€œIf you cross this, I’ll hit you in the face.” /r/Jokes/comments/jx9abu/…
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/goldendarren
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...

"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebikerdad
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to a zoo once and there was only one animal there, a regular old house dog.

It was a shit zoo.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CFEyeCare
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.

It’s our family hair loom.

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My kids are such a handful I don’t think one nanny is enough

I need au pair

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PLUMBUM2
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I once asked a ninja if he could toss me one of those little stars.

He said, "Shuriken!"

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BastetLXIX
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
When geese fly in a V formation, one side is always longer than the other. Do you know why that is?

There are more birds on that side.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkinDeep69
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report

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