Two spiders got married and bought their first home.
I was so happy for the newlywebs.
Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done.
Turns out, he only does odd jobs.
Chinese take out: 8 dollars. Tip: 2 dollars. Getting home to find out they forgot part of your order...
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
I got hired to paint someone’s home.
I charged for the labor but not the paint. The homeowner said, “why didn’t you charge for the paint?” I said, “don’t worry about the paint. It’s on the house.”
After all this home schooling, my kid finally lost control
My son left home to become a mime
We haven't heard from him since
I just finished painting a customer’s home and they were surprised with the bill...
Them: “You’ve factored in all the labour, but what about the paint?”
Me: “It’s on the house”
A man called 911 after his 76 year old mother wandered out of the family home during the night. When asked what she had been wearing and if she had any personally identifying features about her, he advised she was barefoot, half naked and had a visible scar from her hysterectomy.
The dispatcher replied, “So... no shirt, no shoes, no cervix?”
We have a box of dead batteries at home.
They are all free of charge
So I brought my girlfriend home to meet my parents. She looks like my mum, sounds like my mum, even dresses like my mum..
My boss told me I had to stay at home for 2 weeks after my wife bought me an espresso in bed this morning.
I mean, I only told him I woke up with a little coffee.
FIRST DATE: Her dad: "I want her home before midnight."
Me: "But you already own her home."
Dad: -turning to daughter- "If you don't sleep with him, I will."
Credit to u/psybermonkey15
How do shellfish find their way home?
My wife texted me saying "Your great!". I responded, "No, you're great!" She said the text made her day when she got home.
I guess she really likes being corrected on her grammar.
What do you call the feeling of taking off your COVID mask when you get home?
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...
I was so bored sitting at home that I memorized six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
My holiday home neighbour planted a tall row of trees blocking my view.
I got home one day and a book was stuck to my toddler
Me: What'd you do today?
My toddler: Nothing
Me: Are you sure about that?
My toddler: That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
What do you call a drunk person staggering along a street on their way home trying not to step on the cracks in the pavement?
My wife came home from work stressed out from her day. I asked her how I could help, she asked me to draw her a bath.
I showed her the drawing I made, she replied “that wasn’t really what I had pictured...”
A high school girl was on her way home from a party, got knockout drunk, and shat on herself and all over her friends.
She was a real party pooper
My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.” I was home in 5 minutes.
I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.
You'd be impressed with the display cabinet I have at home, full of saltwater and semen.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my home to the local pub...
...and it’s a 30 minute walk from that pub back home.
The difference is staggering.
I have a step ladder at home...
... I never knew my real ladder.
My realtor asked me how I felt about the defects in the finish trim in my new home.
Bought a home pregnancy test.
Turns out, my house is pregnant.
When I left home to go on a business trip, my wife said "Don't forget to write"
I thought, "That's unlikely... it's a basic skill, isn't it?"
I have very fond memories of my dad arriving home, wearing his white t-shirt, black leather jacket, giving me the thumbs up, and saying 'Ayyyy'...
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
when I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory
There was a fly in my home.
So I called the SWAT team.
Given that a case of the sniffles means staying home from school, we give my daughter a daily allergy medicine. My wife was giving her breakfast before school, and when I walked out, I asked if she’d had her medicine yet.
My daughter said yes, and I replied, “So you’re de-Claritin that you’ve had it already?”
My daughter came into my "home office" (closet) and said, "You wanna hear a joke?" I told her that I did
Daughter: "Quarantine."
Me: . . .
Daughter: "You don't get it. It's an inside joke."
Archeologists will be digging for a lost village near my home. I hope they find some signs of life.
There was a alligator back home known for his crime-solving skills
Working on a home construction project and felt like relaxing with drink. Of course it's unsafe to mix alcohol with power tools.
Which is why I mixed my drink with a spoon instead.
did you know that stippers dont have airconditioning in their homes?
So I brought a tree home for Christmas
My son saw the huge tree and asked, "Are you going to put i up yourself?"
I replied, "No son I'm going to put it up in the living room."
I just bought a dictionary today and bought it home to find out that all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Why did the phone stay home?
I just heard an announcement on a loud speaker outside my home saying, "If you invest 50$ just once, you can sit and eat for the rest of your life".
I went out and saw the idiot; he was selling chairs.
" I want her home before before midnight."
Date : "But you already own her home"
[first date] her dad : I want her home before midnight
Me : but you already own her house
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