7 seconds of love/hate for puns instagram.com/p/03hMfEiVe…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Powermeat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2015
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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?

At a second hand shop.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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What does a clock do when it’s hungry?

It goes back four seconds.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/remoonl
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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My three year old girl asked me, "Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation, so I explained, "You just ate breakfast, yes?"

"Yes." she replied.

"Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, then whatever is left over, comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet! And that, is poo!"

She looked a little perplexed, stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. β€œHow much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. β€œNothing” I slurred. β€œLook at me!” she shouted. β€œIt’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and said, β€œIt’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
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Lost a race to a catholic lady in long robes today

I thought I was the fastest, turns out I’m second to nun

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lukeurmyson
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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Why do riot police arrive early to the protests?

... so they can beat the crowds!

Edit: Wow, this is now my second highest upvoted post ever, and it's not even my own joke! Totally should have credited the video I saw this in: https://www.reddit.com/r/PublicFreakout/comments/h8btkp/protester_has_a_joke_for_the_police_officers/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

Thanks for the laughs and great comment threads, Reddit :)

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Row199
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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Will you remember me...

Son: Dad, Will you remember me in one second?

Dad: Yes.

Son: Dad, will you remember me in one minute?

Dad: Yes.

Son: Dad, will you remember me in one hour?

Dad: Yes.

Son: Dad, will you remember me in one day?

Dad: Yes.

Son: Dad, will you remember me in one week?

Dad: Yes.

Son: Dad, will you remember me in one month?

Dad: Yes.

Son: Dad, will you remember me in one year?

Dad: Yes.

Son: Knock Knock!

Dad: Who's there?

Son: DAD! YOU ALREADY FORGOT ME!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AspenTD
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
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My brother and I make Dracula action figures for a living, and we are on a really tight deadline.

I have to make every second Count.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
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I saw a cop zap a criminal with a Taser, but then shocked him again when he was already on the ground...

The first one was probably justified, the the second one was just re-volting.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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The chicken police

So my family has chickens and in order to understand how this pun came to be I must give a little background on a running joke my family makes. When our chickens do some crazy we’ll say something along the lines of β€œ(chicken’s name) is on crack.” This was a few days ago so I don’t remember the exact words but it went something like this: Somebody: (chicken’s name) you need to get off of whatever crack you’re on. In my head: Wait a second, I feel like I can make a pun here... And about 10 seconds of thinking later I said some along the lines of β€œOr else we might have to call the poultrice!”

Get it? Poultry + police. Felt like a genius.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PlatypusQueen17
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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My son just told his first dad joke at 13 and I’m so proud

So my kids are clearing the dishes after dinner, it’s their job every day. My daughter was scraping all the scraps in the bin, which contained some food. Son: β€œJeze Lauren you need to be more considerate, every 60 seconds in Africa a minute passes”.... Ded πŸ’€

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πŸ‘€︎ u/adz1179
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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I've just got a job making plastic Draculas

But there are only two of us on the production line.

So I have to make every second Count!

πŸ‘︎ 433
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stoatwobbler
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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A young boy finds a magic lamp

He rubs theΒ lamp, and a genieΒ appears and says,Β β€œWhat is your firstΒ wish?”

The kid says, β€œIΒ wish I were rich!” The genie replies,Β β€œIt is done! What isΒ your second wish,Β Rich?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chennai_buzzer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
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I ate a clock today

It was pretty time consuming but I craved it enough to get seconds.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pax_flash
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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I got a job at a factory that makes Dracula toys

Its only me and one other worker. I need to make every second Count

πŸ‘︎ 137
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chefrobbo65
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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Why was the clock not worried after getting an arm amputation?

Because it had a second hand.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lord_Aarsh
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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Genie: I will grant you three wishes

Man: I wanna be rich!

Genie: What is your second wish, Rich?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eachard
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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Don't let the Wizard negotiate!

Fireball is bad diplomacy, it just inflames the situation.

Just one example from my second ever video, 50 D&D puns! I am super new and super small, so every view is valuable to me!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dastardly_DM_Dude
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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The first time i used an elevator it was an uplifting experience

But the second time it let me down

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/potatoman-177
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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So, 3 nuns die in a car crash and end up before the gates of St Peter....

St Peter says to the nuns "Given you are nuns and have devoted your life to good works you only need to answer a single question each to enter Heaven."

He looks to the first nun and asks "where did the first woman live?"

The first nun quickly replied "the garden of Eden".

St Peter nods approval and looks to the second nun "what was the name of the first woman?"

The second nun pauses for a second and then replies "Eve."

"Well done!" Says St Peter before turning to the third nun and saying "As the Mother Superior you should be able to answer this; what did Eve say to Adam when she first saw him?"

The Mother Superior furrows her brow and says "oh, that's a hard one".

"Correct!" Says St Peter. "You may enter."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/atheistmil
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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Have you ever tried eating a clock?

It's really time consuming. Especially if you go for seconds.

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AspenTD
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
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A captain and his crew. (Hopefully hasn’t been posted before lol)

Once upon a time there was a pirate captain who was the most amazing best captain a crew could ever ask for. His crew loved him more than anything and would do absolutely anything for him.

One day as they were sailing, a crew member In the crows nest shouts, β€œone ship off the port side!” Immediately the captain yells at his crew, β€œMen! Bring me my red shirt!”

Slightly confused, the men hesitate for a second and then hurry off to bring the captain his red shirt. Amazingly they win the battle!

The men are so happy and thankful their captain brought them safely through the battle they don’t even care why the captain wanted his red shirt.

A few months of sailing some more, again the man in the crows nest yells, β€œTwo ships off the port side!” Quickly the captain screams, β€œMen! Bring me my red shirt!” The crew doesn’t hesitate this time to get him his red shirt and what do you know? They win this battle too!!

The crew is astounded at their captains awesomeness!!! They honestly could not find anyone better. This time though the crew stops a moment and asks the captain, β€œWhy do you always have us bring you your red shirt?”

The captain replies, β€œWell men, if I get stabbed the blood will blend into my red shirt and it will look like I’m not hurt so that you will all fight as hard as if I were still alive.”

The men can’t believe what they hear! How could they be so lucky as to have a captain so incredibly smart and courageous??!!

Two seconds later, β€œTWENTY SEVEN SHIPS OFF THE PORT SIDE!!!!!!!”

Calmly, with an even tone, the captain says, β€œMen, bring me my brown pants.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RecTym
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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So no shit here I am

This just happened to me lmao. I'm here with my wife and 5 y/o daughter about to sit down and eat.

Daughter: what movie are we going to watch. (We mentioned maybe watching one earlier) Me: it's this new cartoon movie called nunya

Literally 1 second later Daughter: nunya business.... Me: DDAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG

What an awesome feeling lol

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/haagimus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
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What did the wolf say when he wanted to leave for a trip?

Let's GOOOOOoooooooooowwwww

(my 7yo daughter made this up and had me breathin hard through my noise for a split second)

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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What does a one-armed person has no need for?

A second hand watch

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πŸ‘€︎ u/invisible_being
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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Dad: Who is the most famous Doctor?

Son: What?

Dad: Not Dr What son... close.. who

Son: Who?

Dad: Yes

Son: Who’s Dr Yes?

Dad: No, Who is who

Son: In the the zoo?

Dad: No, who isn’t in the zoo.

Son: What?

Dad: He’s on second.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CouldIRunTheZoo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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Why did they only make one Yogi Bear?

When they tried the second time they made a Little BooBoo

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whlightning
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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Two cows are standing in a field

The first cow says to the second β€œHave you heard about this mad cow disease? It makes cows go crazy and then they die” The second cow replied β€œWell it’s good that I’m a refrigerator”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BULbyCharTOle
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
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[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 137
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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Where does captain hook get good deals on used prosthetics?

At the second hand store

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-umop-apisdn
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
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It's the morning after the honeymoon

Wife says, "You know, you're really a lousy lover."

The husband replies, "How can you tell after only 30 seconds?"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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Four men are sitting in a hospital waiting room because their wives are all giving birth,

A nurse comes up to the first man and says, β€œCongratulations! You are the proud father of a pair of twins!”

β€œThat’s funny...” the man said, β€œI work for Twin Peaks!”

Another nurse comes into the room and goes to the second man and says, β€œCongratulations! Your wife has just given birth to triplets!”

β€œThat’s funny...” the second man said, β€œ I work for the 3M company!”

Yet another nurse comes into the room and says to the third man, β€œCongratulations! Your wife has just given birth to quadruplets!”

β€œThat’s so funny...” said the third man, β€œI work at the Four Seasons Hotel!”

The last man is groaning and whining in obvious agony, β€œWhat’s wrong?” the other men ask.

β€œI work at Seven Eleven.” He replied.

Happy Fathers Day!

πŸ‘︎ 136
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NighTraiN7804
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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My wife’s 32 today but I’m only allowed to celebrate my wife’s birthday for half a minute

After all it is her thirty second birthday

πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Squidgyboat5955
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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I’ve always felt bad for the silverfish

Sure, I know they’re disgusting little bugs. But I started taking pity on the little guys after they only came in second in this poll of people’s favorite animals.

The winner, of course, was the goldfish.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jweiss10
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
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I went back to that shop that sells new but damaged goods...

...yeah, I went back for seconds.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NZOC
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
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Three vampires walk into a bar.

The first vampire says to the bartender, β€œI’ll have a pint of blood.” The second one says β€œI’ll have a pint of blood also.” The third vampire says to the bartender, β€œI’ll have a pint of plasma.”

The bartender says, β€œSo, that will be two bloods and a blood lite?”

πŸ‘︎ 101
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
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Two fish are out swimming when they swim into a wall.

The one fish turns to the other and says, "Damn."

The second fish replies, "No, I think it was a well."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TwinTowers05
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
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What does Tina Turner use to paint with?

Second Hand Emulsion

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GenestealerUK
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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A man walks into a Chinese restaurant

Is told by the Maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait.

"Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?", he says.

The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"

The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."

The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time, there were FOUR little peegs . . . "

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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What does a clock do when it’s still hungry after eating

Goes back four seconds

Edit:thanks for the award kind stranger

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ttttteefhuyhttfff
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best...

The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey stood nary a chance. The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength. None in the forest dared to challenge him. The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature. As the trio debated the issue, an alligator came along and swallowed them all... hawk, lion and stinker.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
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Two lawyers were comparing clients.

The first one claims his client is trapped in a penny. Answering the second lawyer's confused look, he says, "My client is in a cent."

the second lawyer nods, then says, "Well. My client is a fish head steeped in hot water. You could say he's gill tea."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ICWhatsNUrP
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
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Two friends are sitting in the bar drowning in their miseries......

The first one goes "I lost everything with my divorce, wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. and here I am sharing a rented apartment with you. Nothing can be worse than this."

The second one assures him that his situation is much worse than him.

"How??" Demands the first one.

"Well I had a booming business and all the riches" he moaned. "Then it all came crashing down, with losses incurring, I lost my wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. And here I am sharing a rented apartment with you."

"How's your situation worse than mine" growled the first one.

"You see my friend" sighed the second one "I still have my wife!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s β€œooh ooh aah ooh aah”

The second one say’s β€œwell put some cold water in it then”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigpapastu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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Two lions walking through the Savannah, first one says β€˜waaarghhhhhhh’

Second one says β€˜sciatica still playing up?’

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigpapastu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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Before I tucked my son into bed, I told him how proud I am of him, and that he is the second best son in the world.

Him: second best?

Me: yeah, I'm still the best son. But you're doing great, too.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Litpunk
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
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How do Skywalker's like to shop?

The prefer to pick things up second hand.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
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A man and a woman are at a bar

A man and a woman are sitting in a bar. After some time, the woman notices that the man has not looked in her direction once. Curious, she asks the man if he would like to buy her a drink.

Playing coy the man responds, "Ma'am, you are beautiful indeed, but are you talented as well?"

Feeling flirty, the woman takes a cherry from the bar and puts it in her mouth, stem and all. Within seconds she swallows the cherry, spits out the seed, and reveals the stem, tied in a perfect knot.

The man chuckles. Without another word he picks up a cherry and pulls off the stem. He puts the stem in his mouth, and pounds the rest of his beer in one gulp, revealing and empty mouth to the woman.

Perplexed, the woman asks, "Is that supposed to impress me?"

Confidently, the man replies, "Indeed I do believe it will."

She laughs and says, "It will? Are you shitting me?"

He responds, "I shit you knot."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MadeToDisagree
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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Eating My Watch Was Time Consuming

Especially when I went back four seconds.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VengefulVendetta
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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Knock Knock, Who's There?

No, Who's on first, What's on second and I Don't Know's on third.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Datolite7
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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How did the Canadian’s come up with the name β€œCanada”?

There was a bunch of Canadians sitting around the table and one guy suggested they start naming letters their country name should contain. One person said β€œC, eh?” A second person said β€œN, eh?” A third person said β€œD, eh?”

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
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2 bananas shopping in Walmart; first banana says β€˜I dare you to shoplift that ham’

Second banana says β€˜no way, I’m not doing that!’ First banana says β€˜why? You yellow?’

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigpapastu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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Wanted to go and buy a used smartwatch

But there's no second hand available.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grmblfijx
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
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U2 is having a concert in northern Ireland.

Halfway through the show, the music stops and Bono stands middle stage clapping his hands every few seconds. "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies" Without missing a beat, from somewhere in the front of the crowd a man bellows out in a thick Irish accent: "Well stop fucking doing it ya evil bastard!"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/facts_my_guyy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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A piece of rope walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender replies, "I'm sorry, but you're a rope. I can't serve you, and I'm not even sure how I could. Please leave."

A short time later, the rope comes back into the bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender, a bit annoyed at the situation, says, "Look, I told you I can't serve you. Just go away."

A few hours later, the rope comes back in again.

The bartender is getting mad now. "Look, I told you twice that I can't serve alcohol to a rope! Now get out and STAY OUT!"

Dejectedly, the rope leaves the bar and sits at the curb until a gentleman passes by. Suddenly, the piece of rope has an idea.

"Excuse me", says the rope, "but could you do me a favor?"

"Um... me?" says the puzzled gentleman. "Uh... I guess so..."

"Great! I just need you to tie a big ol' knot right in my middle."

"Well," says the gentleman. "I just so happens I was a former Eagle Scout. Here you go," and ties a perfect knot in the rope. "Will that be all?"

The rope pauses for a second and says, "Actually, could you pull apart my ends and unravel them for a bit?"

The gentleman obliges and goes on his merry way. The piece of rope, satisfied at its new appearance, heads back into the bar.

Furious, the bartender shouts, "HEY! Aren't you that same piece of rope I kicked out three times already?!?"

"No, I'm a frayed knot."

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/usernameshortage
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
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Why did the Hobbits go to McDonalds?

To get a second breakfast!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/space0watch
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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Why did the chicken with one hand cross the road?

To go to the second hand shop! My Dad told me this joke 20Y ago when I asked him for money to go shopping. I still giggle everytime I shop in second hand stores

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nzembi
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
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My toddler is a dad in the making

After we got him his breakfast, I went into the kitchen to grab my breakfast. He called for me to come back and I just him I'd be back in one second. He waited a moment and said "Oooone second!"

I'm so proud.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BladeMaster0182
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
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My first Dad joke after becoming a father

Me, to my son, immediately after being born: Congratulations! You're officially the youngest person in the world!

Him: crying

Me: Sorry kid, your 4 seconds of fame are over.

πŸ‘︎ 460
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FridayLightsFTW
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
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Two electrons

Two electrons are talking to each other

The first one points to a proton and says "Do you want that charge?"

The second one points to an antiproton and says "No, discharge"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anti-charizard
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
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Three elephants fell out of a tree

why did the first elephant fall out of the tree?

Because he was dead.

Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?

It was glued to the first

Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?

It thought it was a game.

why did the tree fall over?

it thought it was an elephant.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
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My daughter: I'm turning 32 next week so I want to celebrate in a big way

Me: Okay but don't get your hopes up we're only going to celebrate for half a minute.

She: What? Why?

Me: Because it's your thirty-second birthday

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
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An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first asks for a pint of beer. The second asks for 1/2 of a pint of beer. The third asks for 1/4 of a pint of beer, etc.

The bartender fills 2 pints of beer, and walks away.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Good_Creeper
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
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A man is walking into an expensive restaurant when...

A man is walking into an expensive restaurant when he is stopped by the Maitre'D, who tells him that he can't be admitted without a necktie. The man, late for his appointment, runs back out to his car and searches high and low. Finally, out of desperation, he grabs a set of jumper cables, ties them into a rough knot around his neck and runs back into the restaurant. The Maitre'D stares at him for a few seconds and finally says, "Alright, I'll let you in..." and then leans in and says in a low growl, "but you'd better not try to start anything."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sherzeg
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
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Two wafers fell into a vat of chocolate. The first one pulled the second one out...

The second one said β€œthanks, you’re a lifesaver!” The first one responded β€œactually I’m a KitKat”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KoronaSenpai
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
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Getting Old

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, β€œSometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady chimed in, β€œYes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”

The third one responded, ” Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem; knock on wood,” as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them β€œThat must be the door, I’ll get it!”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
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This pun made my friend not want to talk to me for a day

Ok, so this one needs a bit of buildup.

At the time (a week or so ago) I was making a homebrew item for DnD (for the uninformed, Homebrew are custom made items/classes/spells to use in a DnD game at the discretion of the DM (Dungeon Master)).

I had shown this item (shameless plug) to my friend (who is also the DM of the campaign I'm in now) in the hopes of using it in the campaign. He had pointed out that the item was a bit OP for it's cost and that the homebrew page I had made for it was too long. We were discussing ways to improve both the item and the page, and then got on the topic of magic items in general.

It went something along the lines of this:

DM: ... you can't really destroy a magic item before removing the magic from it. Like, you could try to melt down a magic sword for example, but all that would really do is make it too hot to hold. You could even bend it, but not outright destroy it.

Me: That's gotta be one pissed off magic sword.

DM: I mean, yeah, if it's sentient.

Me: Maybe it got so angry at being bent, that it gains sentience just spite you or something.

DM: Well, yeah maybe.

And this, people of reddit, is when the PUN, popped into my head.

Me: *leans in* you could say that the sword gained sentience cuz it got... bent out of shape.

A second or two of silence, and I see the pun register in his head, and I fucking lost it.

I then laugh for a straight minute. After about ten secunds of me busting a gut, he said "Aight, Imma head out"

We're cool now, but he really didn't want to talk to me the next day.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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The Coffin Joke

Three brothers are trick or treating near a shady house. Suddenly, a spider appears on the first brothers arm causing him to scream in shock. This causes the second brother to run away in fear only to get hit over the head by a dead tree branch. The third brother tries to escape but trips over a coffin. Filled with fright, the three brothers decide to go back home before they are stopped by a ghost that informs them, β€œThe items you have encountered today will kill you in exactly 20 years.” and vanishes into thin air. Understandably, the three brothers were terrified out of their wits and ran back to their house.

20 years later on Halloween, the first brother has booby trapped and spider-proofed his entire house. Unfortunately, he accidently runs into a wall causing a black widow to fall on his arm and killing him.

The second brother has prepared for many years and made sure that he was nowhere near any trees. However, he somehow miscalculated by one day and was killed when a lightning bolt struck a tree causing it to fall and crush him.

The third brother completely forgot about the ghost’s warning and was having dinner with his wife. His allergies were really acting up that night, so he decided to go to a pharmacy to purchase some allergy medicine. Suddenly, without any warning, the entire store goes dark and a giant coffin appears in front of him, opens up, and starts moving towards him. Remembering his frightful Halloween over 20 years ago, the brother starts desperately throwing everything in sight towards the coffin but to no avail. Now there is nothing else left other than a lone bottle of NyQuil. In one last brave attempt, the brother throws the bottle of NyQuil at the coffin and it miraculously vanishes.

Because NyQuil keeps the coffin’ away.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/schosple-collopis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
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I think I had my first dad joke moment

I was driving my daughter (10F) to her dance class. Although we have taken this route countless times before and she never said a word about it before, she did this time and said as she was looking out the window while driving by a particular area, "Why would anyone build a daycare next to a cemetery?"

Without thought, I said "I don't know, but I bet their neighbors are quiet"

There was a second or two pause and then she said "Daaaaaaad."

My chest puffed up with pride for several miles as I thought I had just crossed the line into Dad Jokedom!

πŸ‘︎ 227
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
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There was a fire at the thrift store yesterday.

Two people died as a result of second hand smoke.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shopcounterwill
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
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Sourdough bread is probably my favorite bread

Seriously, it's second to Naan

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Michipotz
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
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Going Shopping

Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.

One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'

The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!'

The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'

The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'

Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'

The second redneck replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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Four Worms and a lesson

A Southern minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol -Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke -Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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How many egg puns can I fit into a few sentences?

Well, I can roll out dozens of eggscruitating egg puns in just the first sentence alone. But the second one is where I start to crack you up from the amount of egg puns that were in the first sentence. By the third sentence your brain will be scrambled from the amount of egg puns that I cracked while just simply talking.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dream0nforever
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
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So my Microwave broke

Right now we've got a standard whirlpool. One basic box, with a rotating center tray. No frills.

I'm looking at a newer model. It's split in the center, and there's a second rotating tray. Also, it's voice activated.

What do you think?

Should I stick with what I've got or should I get Two Turn Tables and a Microphone?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DairyCanary5
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
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I just found out where Captain Hook got its hook

He got it from a second-hand store

πŸ‘︎ 472
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryansberc21
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
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Where does Captain Hook buy his hooks ?

At the second hand store

πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fuck-o-Dear
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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My brother and I are on a tight deadline to make a bunch of Dracula action figures.

I have to make every second Count.

πŸ‘︎ 435
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
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Genie: "What’s your first wish?"

Steve: "I wish I was rich."

Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
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Have you ever tried eating a clock?

It’s really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ksbalaji
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
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Dad Genie

A kid finds a magical lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears and says, β€œWhat is your first wish?” The kid says, β€œI wish I were rich!” The genie replies, β€œIt is done! What is your second wish, Rich?”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/khanzunair
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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My brother and I are on a tight deadline to make Dracula action figures.

I have to make every second Count.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
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How do you know a clock is still hungry?

It goes back four seconds.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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I ate a clock yesterday and it was very time consuming.

especially when I went for seconds

πŸ‘︎ 132
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πŸ‘€︎ u/John_Doez_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
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Do you know what a clock does when it gets hungry

It goes back four seconds

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Drwhocook
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
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Dads

There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.

The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of twins!" He says, β€œGreat! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins.”

The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of triplets”! He says, "That's cool! I work for 3M."

The third father opens the window and jumps out.

The third nurse comes out, and asks, β€œWhere's the third father?"

One of the other fathers said, "Oh he jumped out the window.”

The nurse asks, "Why?"

He replied, "He works for Seven Up!"

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
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Old ladies

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, β€œSometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady chimed in, β€œYes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”

The third one responded, ” Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem; knock on wood,” as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them β€œThat must be the door, I’ll get it!” Reply

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
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My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.

The second time let me down

πŸ‘︎ 111
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
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Where did captain hook buy his hook

The second hand store

πŸ‘︎ 105
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nihilman
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
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My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.

The second time let me down.

πŸ‘︎ 272
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArpitJain96
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
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A kid finds a magical lamp.

He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears and says: β€œWhat is your first wish?”

The kid says: β€œI wish I were rich!”

The genie replies: β€œIt is done! What is your second wish, Rich?”

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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