A list of puns related to "50 Number Ones"
Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I donāt think theyāll fit me.
Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but donāt turn it on.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itās a little fishy.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
āEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, āThe good news is..itāll feel better when it quits hurting.'ā
Whatās brown and sticky? A stick.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itās tearable.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
āIāll call you later!ā- āPlease donāt do that. Iāve always asked you to call me Dad!ā
Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!
What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
āMy dad literally told me this one last week: āDid you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.āā
āWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, āNo, just leave it in the carton!āā
I got so angry the other day when I couldnāt find my stress ball.
If I had a dime for every book Iāve ever read, Iād say: āWow, thatās coincidental.ā
Iām not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
How does a penguin build itās house? Igloos it together.
āMe: āDad, make me a sandwich!ā Dad: āPoof, Youāre a sandwich!āā
āI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
āHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? Theyāre all girls, otherwise theyād be uncles.ā
Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth ā its pasteurized before you even see it
āWhatās Forrest Gumpās password? 1forrest1ā
The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.
I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: āDonāt worry; this is a piece of cake.ā I said: āNo, itās a math problem.ā
I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
I donāt play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iām just doing it for kicks.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
... keep reading on reddit ā”One of the classic Ā Abbott and Costello Ā routines, where Bud Abbott takes advantage of a common math mistake that we all make to fleece his pal, Lou Costello, out of all of his money. Ā The skit ends with a simple āread my mindā routine that takes Louās last remaining bill. Ā This routine was done Ā many Ā times, both in the movies and their radio show.
Bud Abbott: Do me a favor, loan me $50.
Lou Costello: Bud, I canāt. I canāt loan you $50.
Bud Abbott: Oh, yes, ya can.
Lou Costello: No, I canāt. All I got is $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, give me the $40 and youāll owe me 10 Ā
Lou Costello: Ok, Iāll owe you 10.
Bud Abbott: Thatās right.
Lou Costello: How come I owe you 10?
Bud Abbott: How much did I ask for?
Lou Costello: 50
Bud Abbott: How much did you give me?
Lou Costello: 40.
Bud Abbott: So you owe me $10.
Lou Costello: Thatās right. Ā [Pause] But you owe me 40.
Bud Abbott: Donāt change the subject.
Lou Costello: Iām not changing the subject; youāre trying to change my finances. Come on, Abbott give me my $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, thereās your $40, now give me the 10 you owe me.
Lou Costello: Iām paying you on account.
Bud Abbott: On account?
Lou Costello: On account I donāt know how I owe it to ya.
Bud Abbott: Thatās the way you feel about it, thatās the last time I ask you for a loan of $50.
Lou Costello: But how can I loan ya $50, now. All I got is 30.
Bud Abbott: Well, give me the 30 and youāll owe me 20.
Lou Costello: Ok. This is getting worse all the time. (Look at audience) First I owe him 10, now I owe him 20.
Bud Abbott: Well, why do you run yourself into debt?
Lou Costello: Iām not running in, youāre pushing me!1
Bud Abbott: I canāt help it if you canāt handle your finances. I do all right with my money.
Lou Costello: And you do all right with my money too.
Bud Abbott: Now I asked you for a loan of $50. You gave me 30, so you owe me 20. 20 and 30 is 50.
Lou Costello: No. No. No. 25 and 25 is 50.
Bud Abbott: All right, hereās your $30, now give me the 20 you owe me. Fine guy, wonāt loan a pal $50.
Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis.
The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend.
Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a construction labourer. Artie's car was pretty shitty too. Artie never married, but he was happy in the knowledge that at least he didn't end up with Paul's shitty wife.
For Paul's 46th birthday Artie was pretty broke, so all he could get his friend was a single lottery ticket. Artie being the sentimental guy that he was picked the date of the start of their friendship, and their respective ages (46, 45). Paul loved the present, and thought that the two of them should go to the Legion that friday to split a round of beers and listen to them call out the numbers.
On Friday they are both sitting there at the Legion having a laugh over a couple of beers when the cute lottery girl comes on the t.v. to read out the numbers. Paul pulls out the ticket and spreads it out on the beer stained table in front of them. The lottery girl starts reading out the numbers, 45, 10, 05. Both of Paul and Artie's hearts start beating, thats 200$ already. 53, Holy crap thats like a 10, 000 ticket. They both start losing their shit. 46....... Paul feints. He just won the jackpot. 37million dollars.
Two minutes later Artie finally revives Paul. Paul and Artie celebrate the night away, buy round after round for the people at the Legion and get absolutely shittered. They close out the bar and as the ugly lights come on they stumble blitzed, singing, onto the street arm in arm with the winning lottery ticket in hand and start the long walk back to Paul's place.
Halfway home, Paul comes to two drunken
... keep reading on reddit ā”Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.