3 Lbs Puns

She gave him a weigh in a manger.

I guess he went ham on that Swiss.

"Dad, once I reach 99 lb, I will eat one pound of nachos. Then I will be 99% your son and 1% nacho son."

She lost 120 lbs.

Little Booger: Why are trees green?

Me: Uh, I dunno. Why?

LB: For camouflage!

So I removed 30 lbs of air and I still can't lift it.

I looked him dead in the eyes and said look at me, I weigh 360 lbs I have a fatty everything.

I just lost 14 lbs in a month from running so take that

Heres how the conversation went. Me: There was a Henway in the yard. Him: What the hecks a Henway? Me: about 4 lbs! Him: It by the Grecian urn? Me: What? What's a Grecian urn? Him: About $10 an hour.

The eye rolls were spectacular.

The Wizard of Lb

To own the lbs.

Called own the lbs

So I just had surgery and one of my restrictions is that I can't lift anything heavier than 20 lbs. Was at the Target today with the wife to return a lamp that she had purchased but then decided she didn't like. She parked the SUV and I opened the back to carry the lamp on the store. She said "What are you doing? You aren't supposed to lift anything!" I replied, "But it's light!"

Got the triple whammy. The groan, eye roll, and disgusted walk away from me and into the store. Had to carry the lamp, but it was worth it.

George had 2000 lbs of Laundry to do. That's a washing-ton!

Diapers come in sizes that are rated according to the baby's weight i.e. "up to 12 lbs". Every time my dad (grandpa to my kids) sees a pack of diapers he says " I don't think they'll hold that much ". Every. Single. Time.

They say they are rated for 14-18 lbs but they keep splitting open when they are only 4-5 lbs full.

I told her, "the box says good for 15-18 lbs! there isn't even 1 lb of poop in there now."

and noticed they were setting out the turkeys for thanksgiving. I decided to go ahead and buy mine for this year so I started digging around for the largest one they had looking for a good 20+ pounder but couldn’t find anything over 17 lbs. I turned to the stock boy and asked,

“Do these get any bigger?”

He answered with

“Well seein as they’re dead I reckon they’ve stopped groin.”

"Labor" Day

LB: Why are the soda dispensers out of order?

Me: Something is broken and it hasn't been fixed yet.

LB: But they can just reorganize it!

My 20 year old daughter works in a local small specialty bake shop (Gluten Free, Organic, Vegan). The owner gave her some cash and sent her to the local Sprouts for some salt. She was shoveling salt from the bin into a bag and had about 5 lbs already in the bag and was still shoveling. She noticed a mid 40's man looking at her in wonder. With out missing a beat, my baby girl says "We have one hell of a snail problem" and keeps shoveling.

I've never been more proud.

Full disclosure, I'm just a guy in his mid-20s - not a dad, though with my cheesy sense of humor I may as well be. Wanted to share one of my prouder examples of that today.

Anyways, a couple friends and I were visiting another friend out of town, and we'd been eating quite a bit on our trip (and not the healthiest stuff either). I randomly decided to weigh myself and found that I was 158 lbs, which was a bit alarming because I had just been around 150 a week or two prior.

Came downstairs and the topic of how much we'd been eating came up. I mentioned my weight of 158, and one of my friends went "Damn, how did that happen?" And I swear to god, without even thinking, this just came out:

"Well I was 150... and then I eight."

So my dad got us pretty good in a family text conversation.

So my little brother sends us a picture of a bunch of juice he has made and put in jars in his fridge.

LB: Going on a juice diet for the next 30 days, gotta loose 50 lbs in 2017!

Dad: I cooked beans and ham soup. I'm on a expelling air diet.

Dad: I've lost 5psi in 2days!

Dad: I'm thinking about getting a methane generator and going off the grid.

Me: 🙄

Wife: I bet dollars go pretty far in Turkey.

Me: Yeah. I think the exchange rate is around $1-2 per lb.

Wife: stares

Tom Vanderbilt was this nice guy that loves to umpire the local little league games. He was good enough to make it to the major leagues. His first day umpiring behind the plate the first pitch hits the far bottom corner. Tom calls it a strike. The batter, 6'3" 275 lbs says, "you call that a strike again I'm going to pound you with this bat!" The next pitch hits the far bottom corner again. Tom calls it a ball. The catch, who is bigger than the batter turns around and yells, "you call that a ball again I'm going to pound you with this mask!" The very next pitch hits the very same spot. Tom yells, "two!" Both the batter and catcher yell, "two what?!" Tom says, "too close to call and I'm going back to the little leagues."

Christmas was at Mom's house this year. She has to buy at least 10 lbs of sugar to make all the treats and candy that everyone wants. She has all of the candy and pies and things on the counter in the dinning room. As family members arrived and everyone made their way passed the dinning room my niece(14) came in.

Her: You've been standing in here for a while.

Me: Yup, it's the sweetest spot in the house.

"Hey dad, I'm going to head out to the store for a sandwich right quick"

"Why? We have turkey and ham in the fridge."

I open the door expecting deli meats. Nope, a 7 lb ham and two 10 lb turkeys.

Answer: 200 lbs of feathers. Bricks are just bricks. but 200 lbs of feathers, you'll walk around also with the weight of What you did to those birds.

Man: I would like a 10 lb ham and a whole smoked turkey breast please.

Me: Will this be all for you today, sir?

Man: dead serious tone Oh no! This isn't all for me. My family will be eating it too.

Took me a second to realize that I had been slapped with a dad joke.

When my mom told my dad that my uncle had lost 50 lbs, my dad responded, "Well, where was the last place he saw them?"

Wife: Do you think two lbs of potatoes is a ton?

Father-in-law: No, 2,000 lbs is a ton.

Little Brother: Daddy, Mrs. Ham needs you to sign this so I can go on the field trip.

Dad: Mrs. Ham huh?

LB: Yeah, it's due on Friday.

Dad: Alright then but tell her she's lucky I don't eat pork.

My little brother was fascinated by the picture of the 466 lb flounder that has been going around lately and I told him my dad would be interested. Little bro: "Look at how big this fish is dad!" Pops: "That is an absolute shame, you shouldn't be supporting that." Little bro: "Why? Are they not going to eat it?" Pops: "No. They do it just for the halibut." Me: [audible sigh]

I was at work rotating the organic pears we were selling at $1.49/lbs when a woman shopping in the arms of her blind husband. She made mention of wanting pears so I said cheerfully "We have Organic Bartlett Pears from Rainer Washington on sale for $1.49/lbs". Her face glowed with excitement as she thanked me. Her husband moved his head to my direction and said with the biggest shit eating grin "Thanks for letting us know. They weren't noticeable beforehand."

I groaned loudly as my boss laughed. "Did I just get dadjoked? I think I got dad joked." The blind man chuckled and said "Yes... Yes you did."

here is the link to their joint joking.... i thought you guys will like it

So, every single year my band teacher would dress up as some hilarious pun for Halloween. This year, he came into school starring at a piece of paper that said "175 lbs" on it.

He was watching his weight.

Sister complaining about the woman she was stuck behind in line at the grocery store: "Why would she need 30 lbs of fish???"

Dad: "for the halibut"

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

About 4 lbs