Once upon a time in numberland, a three-person race was held

In it took part the Minus sign, and the numbers zero and -2. All three ended the race at precisely the same time.

-2, Minus Won; 0 Won Too.

(Reddit, I am counting on you to make this stupid joke popular!)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/keychainoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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What do you call Vodka with no calories?

Absolut Zero

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Megalythyx
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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What does love mean?

Zero in tennis, and everything in life.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yellgames01
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
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I would make a joke about the lowest temperature that can be reached

But there is absolute zero need or want for it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spafinmebath
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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What do dogs do when they need to take a break from playing with each other?

They press paws.

(My kids gave this joke zero stars but my dogs think it’s fantastic)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnFancyPants
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
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I withdrew one dollar from the bank but they called the police

The nine zeroes after the one don’t count. Right? They add up to nothing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rant-rant-rant
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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Elton John doesn’t always get high as a kite...

But when he does it’s zero hour 9 am

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrFister720
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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The first Karen to get sick was..

Impatient Zero

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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Of 1000 and 69, which the naughtier number?

1000, because it has 3 zeros.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ohrules
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
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Programmers hate roman numerals.

But I can't zero in on why

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πŸ‘€︎ u/atom036
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
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Mitsubishi

A few years ago, I bought my first car. A Mitsubishi. I didn't have much money, so I was glad the dealership worked with my. I was so excited I went to see my grandfather. I said, "Grandpa, I got a Mitsubishi, zero down!"

He looked at me and said, "When I was your age, I also got a Mitsubishi Zero down."

from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApOfbxpL4Dg&lc=Ugw87PmwOat4WPlRvQR4AaABAg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfowler11
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
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I went to a French hospital and the wouldn’t treat me.

Apparently they have a rule where your bps must be zero over zero or infinity over infinity.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jbeek24
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
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What do you call James Bond with no beard ?

Agent Zero Zero Shaven

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rEb0oT
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
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Why did Diet Coke join the KKK?

Zero tolerance

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
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Eating too much cake is gluttony, but eating too much pie isn’t a sin.

Because sin pi is always zero.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
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Do you know why I was pissed off with the car salesman ?

He said he can make the sale but has zero percent interest

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vshesha
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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I wanted to see the new Star Wars movie today, but every showing was sold out

Rogue one, me zero.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theghostofme
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2016
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It was really easy to get kicked out of the Japanese air force

They had a zero Tolerance policy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BIgbluetootoo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
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What’s a villain’s most useless weapon?

A zero-point energy gun.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/berfv
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
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Let me know if any of these make you laugh!
  1. What's a dentist's favorite time? Tooth-hurty!
  2. How did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!
  3. I’m a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.
  4. The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. Wow, it was tense!
  5. All my lamps are gone... and I couldn't be more de-lighted!
  6. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
  7. Chemists give the best advice, they've got all the solutions.
  8. A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, β€œNo, I’m traveling light.”
  9. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.
  10. I had to make these bad science jokes because all the good ones Argon.

Did any of them make you laugh? Don't tell me no pun in ten did!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrujaBean
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
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If a unicorn is a horse with one horn...

a horse with zero horns is an acorn.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tripoblast
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
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I can tell you the score of any football game before it starts.

It's zero to zero !

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cyrus_Imperative
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2018
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5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many do you have left?

Zero. The rest would fly away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tbaileysr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
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Me: I’m stuck on this crossword clueβ€”β€œan unemployed postman”! Can you help me?

Her: But how many letters?

Me: Zero.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2018
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What do you call a frozen sandwich?

Sub-zero

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WebWheat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2018
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Two ships

Two ships were identical. Same equipment, same cargo, same number of crew and zero rats.

Because rats abandon synching ships

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mikilt22
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2017
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What do you get when you drop a Coca-Cola Zero?

Zero Coca-Cola. Duh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RandomGuyDoes
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2018
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Did you hear about the restaurant they opened on the International Space Station?

There is zero atmosphere but the food is out of this world.

Edit for grammar

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πŸ‘€︎ u/G-Note
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2016
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Did you hear about the teacher who carelessly assigned every student a good grade, regardless of their actual work?

She gave zero F’s.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vicious_viridian
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2018
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I saw an ant. It had long legs, so I squished it.

My policy is zero taller ants.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Risla_Amahendir
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2014
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To the guy who invited zero

Thanks for nothing

EDIT To the guy who invented zero xD

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spotexx
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2017
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Sexy Astronauts

Have or_asms because there are zero Gs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mikilt22
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2017
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I don't care about how cold the temperature is!!

It's -273Β°C and I'm giving absolute zero fuks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pecfex_here
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2016
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Science Puns

One of the funniest school puns; science puns

Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium? It went OK. If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up, they’d be alloys.


The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The chemist sees the glass completely full, half with liquid and half with air.


If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.


A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, β€œNo, I’m traveling light.”


Did you just mutate for a stop codon? Because you’re talking nonsense!


How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.


What did Gregor Mendel say when he founded genetics? Woopea!


Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.


I wish I was adenine, then, I could get paired with U.


Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na


Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says β€œI think I’ll have an H2O.” The second one says β€œI think I’ll have an H2O too” β€” and he died.


A couple of biologists had twins. They named one Jessica and the other Control.


Did you hear the one about the recycling triplets? Their names are Polly, Ethel, and Ian.


Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!


What element is a girl’s future best friend? Carbon.


I had to make these bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.


Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.


What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.


What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? I like your β€œstyle.”


I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.


I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.


Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers.


Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.


Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.


What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!


A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. Bartender replies β€œFor you, no charge”.


Two atoms are walking along. One of them says: β€œOh, no, I think I lost an electron.” β€œAre you sure?”

β€œYe

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2017
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Chemistry Puns

Funny collection of chemistry puns

What do you get when you mix sulfur, tungsten, and silver? SWAG


Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.


What do you call a tooth in a glass of water? A one molar solution.


How do Sulfur and Oxygen communicate? A sulfone


What do you call Iron blowing in the wind? Febreeze.


Why do chemists call helium, curium, and barium the healing elements? Because if you can’t helium or curium, you barium!


Why did the noble gas cry? Because all his friends argon.


Why did the acid go to the gym? To become a buffer solution!


Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!


Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak? Because it’s in the ground state.


How many moles are in a guacamole? Avocado’s number.


If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.


What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.


Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.


What element is a girl’s future best friend? Carbon.


I had to make these bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.


Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na


Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!


Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.


What do you do with a dead chemists? Barium


What animal is made up of calcium, nickel and neon? A CaNiNe


What did the chemist snack on during lunch? A β€˜gram’ cracker.


What would you call a clown in jail? Silicon (Silly Con)


What weapon can you make from the elements potassium, nickel and iron? A KNiFe.


How did carbon propose to Hydrogen? With a β€œcarbonkneel”


What did one titration tell the other? Let’s meet at the endpoint.


How can you spot a chemist in the restroom? They wash their hands before they go.


Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.


Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na


Why do chemistry professors like to teach about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.


Did you hear about the chemist who was reading a book about helium? He just could not put it down


Why do chemistry professor like to

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2017
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My dad, encouraging me after my water polo match defeat, "Son you are one in a million."

The other six are the Zeroes.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unlucky_genius
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2018
🚨︎ report
How many miles to the Moon?

Zero. We had a Neil, a Buzz an Alan and nine other guys but no Miles.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeyHollywood
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2018
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I failed Chemistry so badly

that my grade was an Absolute Zero.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2018
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Is Michael Giacchino the greatest Star Trek Dad Joker in the world?

He must have it in his Genes.

But seriously check out his Star Trek track listings. The guy loves a good pun.

Star Trek

  1. Star Trek

  2. Nailin' The Kelvin

  3. Labor Of Love

  4. Hella Bar Talk

  5. Enterprising Young Men

  6. Nero Sighted

  7. Nice To Meld You

  8. Run And Shoot Offense

  9. Does It Still McFly?

  10. Nero Death Experience

  11. Nero Fiddles, Narada Burns

  12. Back From Black

  13. That New Car Smell

  14. To Boldly Go

  15. End Credits

Star Trek Into Darkness

  1. Logos / Pranking The Natives

  2. Spock Drops, Kirk Jumps

  3. Sub Prime Directive

  4. London Calling

  5. Meld-Merized

  6. The Kronos Wartet

  7. Brigadoom

  8. Ship To Ship

  9. Earthbound And Down

  10. Warp Core Values

  11. Buying The Space Farm

  12. The San Fran Hustle

  13. Kirk Enterprises

  14. Star Trek Main Theme

Star Trek Beyond

  1. Logo and Prosper

  2. Thank Your Lucky Star Date

  3. Night on the Yorktown

  4. The Dance of the Nebula

  5. A Swarm Reception

  6. Hitting the Saucer a Little Hard

  7. Jaylah Damage

  8. In Artifacts as in Life

  9. Franklin, My Dear

  10. A Lesson in Vulcan Mineralogy

  11. MotorCycles of Relief

  12. Mocking Jaylah

  13. Crash Decisions

  14. Krall-y Krall-y Oxen Free

  15. Shutdown Happens

  16. Cater-Krall in Zero G

  17. Par-tay for the Course

  18. Star Trek Main Theme

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thegeneral400
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2018
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Why was the astronauts family so poor?

Whenever he went to space, he had zero G's.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neutral_cadence
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2017
🚨︎ report
I met a Japanese mathematician yesterday

Japanese Mathematician: "Acknowledge my presence, zero"

Me: "Can you elaborate in mathematical terms?"

Japanese Mathematician: "Notice me sin(pi)"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrgreencannabis
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2015
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The first Karen to get covid was....

Impatient zero.

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/catonmyshoulder69
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
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Programmers hate roman numerals.

But I can't zero in on why?

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/atom036
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What does love mean?

Zero in tennis, everything in life.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pzdo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
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