What did the Mexican say when the 2 houses fell on him?
You have a 2-door car you want to display. You get it detailed. You put it on a platform so everyone can see it. You set up special lighting so all the details shine.
You have just staged a coupe.
Did you hear about the guy who went on a fruit diet? In just 2 days, he became completely obnoxious
Evidently, it is enough to make a Mango crazy
There were 2 ancient soldiers on a boat escaping Greece.
2 drunk guys getting into a fight. One gets up and draws a line on the ground. He says "you cross this line and I'll punch you in the face".
That was the punchline...
2 Astronauts landed on the Sun
Astronaut 1 : ItssofuckinghotcanIgetabeeraroundhere?
Astronaut 2 : Thereisnospacebar.
My friends keep trying to convince me to let a 2,000 elephant sit on me.
I noticed 2 large bumps on my car battery.
I had them tested and one came back positive. Google says it’s terminal.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
This Is A Paid advertisement: Have a home project you’re working on? For a limited time, Lowes Home Improvement is now selling Levels 2 for the price of 1!
Here's my 2 scents on the puns page.
I broke 2 fingers on my right hand today
On the other hand everything is OK.
Happy Fathers Day everybody
Told my wife when she turns 40, I was gonna have to trade her in on 2, 20's
She said that I wasn't wired for it.....
How do you knock on 2 doors
Julie Andrews’ Daily Schedule: 1. Impersonate Homer Simpson 2. Read about bushcraft 3. Watch ludicrously silly play 4. Replace button on blouse 5. Start making coffee flavoured bread
D’oh, Ray Mears, Farce, Sew, Latte Dough.
I saw an add that said “Radio for sale, $2, Volume stuck on full”
I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”
On a video of a custom 2 Fort map that excludes the middle area (Team Fortress 2)
2.3m Dads on this sub.
You guys are really tall.
There were 2 fly’s on a toilet seat.
What do you call 2 Crows on a fence?
I want to drink my coffee, smoke my cigarette, browse reddit on my phone all at the same time but I only have 2 hands. I wish I had another set of hands for this.
I think that would be pretty handy.
What happens when you drop a 14 pound weight on 2 canaries?
You kill 2 birds with one stone.
When I was on Naked and Afraid, I went out gathering food. I was able to find 2 small slugs to bring back to camp...
It was slimy pickings for dinner that evening.
My neighbor came knocking on my door at 2:30 am. Unbelievable!
Luckily I was still up playing my bagpipes
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:00am
I know 2:00am!? Good thing I was still up playing my drums
My friend will be leaving prison on 2/22/2022.
On his release, he'll be saying, "Deuces!"
Bar talk: Dude 1: What was that song by Eric Burdon again; something about love is on fire? Dude 2: Yeah. Yeah. "Love is a burnin' thing, and it makes a fiery ring..."
Dude 3: I think it was Hotel California. "Last thing I remember, I was running for the door..."
My wife and I went on a trip to Cuba to stay at a few different places. By the end of week 2, we were walking barefoot across a beach, nearly dying of thirst and exhausted. We were wondering if we'd make it home, until I spotted a server holding some drinks. We sprinted towards her and drank both.
TIL that Cards Against Humanity joked that they could buy an island with the money they donate to charity, so they bought an island in Maine to preserve wildlife. They named it ‘Hawaii 2’ because “it’s on the Maine land.”
connecticut.cbslocal.com/…
Which mouse walks on 2 feet?
>!Mickey Mouse!!<
And which duck walks on two feet?
>!Every duck!!<
2 guys are sitting on a fence, Pete and Repete. Pete falls off the fence, who is left sitting on the fence?
2 Antennas meet on a roof and fall in love and get married
While the ceremony wasn't that great, the reception was excellent
2 paramedics respond to a call for a lady with an infected hangnail on her big toe.
One paramedic looks at the other and says, “she doesn’t need an ambulance, she needs a toe truck!”
A man filling his car with gas, got some gas on his arm. He got in his car and lit a cigarette lighting his arm on fire. He flails around and other patrons help him put it out, just then 2 cops roll up...
They arrest him for waving a fire arm.
It's 2:00am on January 1st where I live.
I haven't slept since last year and I'm EXHAUSTED!
If you order something on the 30th of December and get 2-day shipping.
Isn’t it considered next year shipping?
I just spent $13 on 2 cents worth of bamboo
Did you know people like 2-3 covers on their bed at all times?
That's just a blanket statement.
The man who invented the crossword is buried on that cemetery. No, really! He's buried 3 down and 2 across.
Best said when driving past any cemetery...
2 parrots sitting on a perch, one said to the other ...
Saw a radio for sale for only $2, wanted to buy it but the volume was stuck on full. Thought to myself...
... boy I just can't turn that down
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