He picked out a Butterfinger from his bag, held it up, and said “Kit-Kats are good but these are butter.”
My pregnant wife is wearing a white shirt that has a pumpkin painted over her belly, for Halloween. We are having another little girl, and have set on the name Ellie.
My daughter comes home, and is greeted by my wife.
4yo: "I like your shirt mama!
Wife: "Aww thank you! Do you like my pumpkin belly?
4yo: "...I like your pumpkin Ellie!"
After eating dinner with my parents and grandma, I got a bag of Little Bites Fudge Brownies from the pantry. My grandma asks me if they were from the box. I hold them up and point to the package and say “no they’re from the bag”
My dad and I lost it and started crying. Pray that we find it soon.
They should be in the arrrrmy
So my kids are clearing the dishes after dinner, it’s their job every day. My daughter was scraping all the scraps in the bin, which contained some food. Son: “Jeze Lauren you need to be more considerate, every 60 seconds in Africa a minute passes”.... Ded 💀
Sir Anwrap
I was out grocery shopping yesterday and was looking at wines. The lady next to me grabbed a bottle but knocked another bottle to the floor. It broke and red wine went everywhere. I said the first thing that came to mind...
"Caught you red handed".
She looked and me and started laughing. One of my proudest moments.
Sea son's greetings.
Wow you just left me with a bunch of Ash-holes in my yard.
Him: second best?
Me: yeah, I'm still the best son. But you're doing great, too.
She only carries one picture because once you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Amal.
"You're not holding on to last year's shit"
My wife beat me to the first dad joke of the year. Damnit
Did you know the difference between people in Dubai and Abu Dhabi? People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but the people of Abu Dhabi doo!
Don’t you mean a “Fur-rari”?
I went to the grocery store, and the change was $5.02, so on my ride home, I perfected the ultimate plan for a dad who loves dad jokes...
Me: Oh, here's the change *hands 5.00 bill*
Dad: You can set the groceries on the counter
Me: Oh by the way, do you want my two cents on the groceries?
Dad: *confused look* o...kay?
Me: *hands receipt and two pennies*
It took a minute for him to realize but everyone got a good laugh out of it.
I know it’s only six words, but it’s a start.
Dad, do people on Reddit make fun of that sleeping lion song? It’s just a meme away, a meme away.
After all, this is MONSTER JAM!
...so I told her that her mom saw a few hairs fall out of her head and freaked out.
My daughter responds, completely deadpan, "mom had rabbits falling out of her head?"
She's going to be a great dad one day.
Edit: skipped a word
Now he can wake up and jump straight into his drawers!
Mama said there’d be gays like this!
Happy Pride Month, y’all. :D
She asked "Where did your pound land?"
"What's with the third degree?"
Have you ever seen a moth bawl?
On the box it says 3-5 years.
But deep down I knew she had it in her.
This is not so much a request for a pun. I had heard that there was a town in the Scandinavian region that was known for their puns, and that this was recognized throughout the country. This was a part of a larger conversation about puns in general and the fact that they are typically frowned upon in english, while many other languages celebrate the pun, and are in fact more pun-prone due to the structure of the language.
However, I cannot remember where I heard this, I believe it was a podcast, but I cannot recall.
So, what cultures celebrate the pun, and do you know of any cities or towns known for their puns?
Thanks :)
He made a pun in the shower, we giggled, and I noted how he's gone from hating puns to making his own. I called him my "young Padawan" and he responded, "You mean, Pun-awan?" It was seemless. I lost my shit. Just wanted to share with you guys :)
Okay so today is payday and my wife and I were making up our budget. My son (2 years old) comes over and takes the pen trying to color on my wife's notebook. We turn it to a blank page and just let him go crazy.
He then starts trying to color on himself, marking a line on his forehead.
I take the pen and say, "No Joshua! That's where I, (looked at my wife when I said this next part) DRAW THE LINE." Wife groaned, my son wined for a bit, I laughed my ass off.
And I said "ya and Iraq and Syria too. Stress can definitely make you lose weight"
She wasn't impressed.
Dad: "I've never seen him before" (Referring to the new guy delivering our mail)
Me: "Do you think he's an imPOSTer?"
My sister and I share an office working in the family business. This morning she turned to me and said, "Did you hear that Wisconsin got a new slogan for their license plates?"
"They did?" I say, as I immediately bring up Google and start looking up Wisconsin license plates.
"Yeah," She says with a grin. "It's 'Come smell our dairy air.'"
This was followed by lots of laughing and immediately calling family to share this new, glorious joke.
I made home-made oatmeal for breakfast, and Grandma (my mother-in-law) wanted hers with just butter and sugar. She said "I grew up with butter and sugar."
My responds with "OK, but what did you eat?"
My Son just made me so proud!
Me: Hey guys, how does a Pirate climb a rope?
Them: (Silence and Odd stares)
Me: With his Aaarghms.
I know it’s only six words, but it’s a start.
