I always go to the bathroom at 11:59 and come out at 12:01

Same shit, different day.

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rackcityrothey
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2022
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The cashier insisted I pay him $2 for my $1.01 purchase.

Makes cents.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2022
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The cashier said the total was "$16.01"

I said "Good year!" He replied asking "Really?" I told him "Well, out of all the years during the 1600s, that was the 1!"

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justgentile
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2016
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I just called the police at my local sporting goods store.

Childrens tennis rackets: $20

Women's Rackets: $30

Men's: $40

Racketeering is illegal!!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dryfrooot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2022
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Nutzi Germany

https://preview.redd.it/ixktc888tyv91.png?width=338&format=png&auto=webp&s=2408a16e5bbcaabec041cdb5c5dcbe3054683cc2

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrMinhDang
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2022
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Spun intended
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JTDimino
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2022
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There’s always gonna be a problem when you have the looks of a 10 and you look in the mirror

Because your gonna look like an 01

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Captbeauner
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2022
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If you rearrange the letters of Mailman, what do you get?

A very angry person

πŸ‘︎ 278
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1saltymf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2021
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Help/Request: Told my wife a news story this morning and she expected it to be a dad joke but I had nothing. Please help me fill the gap!

News: In PA a truck carrying 100 monkeys crashed and at least 3 escaped (actual true story today). https://pittsburgh.cbslocal.com/2022/01/21/truck-carrying-monkeys-crashes-pennsylvania/

I'm trying to do something with "simiantaneously" or something about a barrel but I've not nothing...

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr_Nik
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2022
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Binary

There are only 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand binary and those that don't.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kranium83
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
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Well!
πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dankmonseiur69
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2017
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My son asked me what procrastinate meant.

I said I'd tell him later

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

I’ll tell ya later

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/missile500
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
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You shouldn't iron your four leaf clover

Don't want to press your luck

πŸ‘︎ 374
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2018
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cross post

β™°βœβœοΈβœž

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/acaldwel
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2017
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This sub's extremely inactive...

There hasn't been any posts this year!

(Reposted at 12:01 AM 1.1.21 after a duel with autocorrect)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VegetarianReaper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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Every time...

0:00 0:01 0:02 0:03 0:04 0:05 0:06 0:07 0:08 0:09 0:10 0:11 0:12 0:13 0:14 0:15 0:16 0:17 0:18 0:19 0:20 0:21 0:22 0:23 0:24 0:25 0:26 0:27 0:28 0:29 0:30 0:31 0:32 0:33 0:34 0:35 0:36 0:37 0:38 0:39 0:40 0:41 0:42 0:43 0:44 0:45 0:46 0:47 0:48 0:49 0:50 0:51 0:52 0:53 0:54 0:55 0:56 0:57 0:58 0:59 1:00 1:01 1:02 1:03 1:04 1:05 1:06 1:07 1:08 1:09 1:10 1:11 1:12 1:13 1:14 1:15 1:16 1:17 1:18 1:19 1:20 1:21 1:22 1:23 1:24 1:25 1:26 1:27 1:28 1:29 1:30 1:31 1:32 1:33 1:34 1:35 1:36 1:37 1:38 1:39 1:40 1:41 1:42 1:43 1:44 1:45 1:46 1:47 1:48 1:49 1:50 1:51 1:52 1:53 1:54 1:55 1:56 1:57 1:58 1:59 2:00 2:01 2:02 2:03 2:04 2:05 2:06 2:07 2:08 2:09 2:10 2:11 2:12 2:13 2:14 2:15 2:16 2:17 2:18 2:19 2:20 2:21 2:22 2:23 2:24 2:25 2:26 2:27 2:28 2:29 2:30 2:31 2:32 2:33 2:34 2:35 2:36 2:37 2:38 2:39 2:40 2:41 2:42 2:43 2:44 2:45 2:46 2:47 2:48 2:49 2:50 2:51 2:52 2:53 2:54 2:55 2:56 2:57 2:58 2:59 3:00 3:01 3:02 3:03 3:04 3:05 3:06 3:07 3:08 3:09 3:10 3:11 3:12 3:13 3:14 3:15 3:16 3:17 3:18 3:19 3:20 3:21 3:22 3:23 3:24 3:25 3:26 3:27 3:28 3:29 3:30 3:31 3:32 3:33 3:34 3:35 3:36 3:37 3:38 3:39 3:40 3:41 3:42 3:43 3:44 3:45 3:46 3:47 3:48 3:49 3:50 3:51 3:52 3:53 3:54 3:55 3:56 3:57 3:58 3:59 4:00 4:01 4:02 4:03 4:04 4:05 4:06 4:07 4:08 4:09 4:10 4:11 4:12 4:13 4:14 4:15 4:16 4:17 4:18 4:19 4:20 4:21 4:22 4:23 4:24 4:25 4:26 4:27 4:28 4:29 4:30 4:31 4:32 4:33 4:34 4:35 4:36 4:37 4:38 4:39 4:40 4:41 4:42 4:43 4:44 4:45 4:46 4:47 4:48 4:49 4:50 4:51 4:52 4:53 4:54 4:55 4:56 4:57 4:58 4:59 5:00 5:01 5:02 5:03 5:04 5:05 5:06 5:07 5:08 5:09 5:10 5:11 5:12 5:13 5:14 5:15 5:16 5:17 5:18 5:19 5:20 5:21 5:22 5:23 5:24 5:25 5:26 5:27 5:28 5:29 5:30 5:31 5:32 5:33 5:34 5:35 5:36 5:37 5:38 5:39 5:40 5:41 5:42 5:43 5:44 5:45 5:46 5:47 5:48 5:49 5:50 5:51 5:52 5:53 5:54 5:55 5:56 5:57 5:58 5:59 6:00 6:01 6:02 6:03 6:04 6:05 6:06 6:07 6:08 6:09 6:10 6:11 6:12 6:13 6:14 6:15 6:16 6:17 6:18 6:19 6:20 6:21 6:22 6:23 6:24 6:25 6:26 6:27 6:28 6:29 6:30 6:31 6:32 6:33 6:34 6:35 6:36 6:37 6:38 6:39 6:40 6:41 6:42 6:43 6:44 6:45 6:46 6:47 6:48 6:49 6:50 6:51 6:52 6:53 6:54 6:55 6:56 6:57 6:58 6:59 7:00 7:01 7:02 7:03 7:04 7:05 7:06 7:07 7:08 7:09 7:10 7:11 7:12 7:13 7:14 7:15 7:16 7:17 7:18 7:19 7:20 7:21 7:22 7:23 7:24 7:25 7:26 7:27 7:28 7:29 7:30 7:31 7:32 7:33 7:34 7:35 7:36 7:37 7:38 7:39 7:40 7:41 7:42 7:43 7:44 7:45 7:46 7:47 7:48 7:49 7:50 7:51 7:52 7:53 7:54 7:55 7:56 7:57 7:58 7:59 8:00 8:01 8:02 8:03 8:04 8:05 8:06 8:07 8:08 8:09 8:10 8:11 8:12 8:13 8:14 8:15 8:16 8:17 8:18 8:19

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 857
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scott_MacGregor
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2015
🚨︎ report
My proudest dad joke

This actually happened a couple years ago, but I've decided to finally come out if lurking to share it here.

I was on a trip with some friends and we had stopped for lunch. We weren't very busy so my buddy and I shared a plate of wings and a couple pitchers of beer. When it came to pay, the bill was $20.01 (I don't remember how much it actually was, but it was an odd number) and we just split the bill down the middle. When we got our checks, his had the extra penny. We joked about him paying so much more, and so I said I would add an extra penny to my tip, plus one more penny to one up him.

Afterwards when we were walking out my buddy turned to me and said "do you think she'll she even notice?" I said "I like to think that she will notice and maybe chuckle at it. Besides pennies can add up and make a difference, but that's just my 2 cents"

I am not a dad yet. But I definitely feel the fatherly humor running through my veins.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kjc2022
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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Amazing Optometrists pun exchange twitter.com/SunLifeUK/sta…
πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/samuelgillies
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2015
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I found a large collection of dad jokes and I copied the best ones. The first 10 are great but the last one is fucking gold.
  1. great

  2. great

  3. great

  4. great

  5. great

  6. great

  7. great

  8. great

  9. great

  10. great

  11. fucking gold

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrMorlonelycat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2015
🚨︎ report
We have a lot of Dads at work and this a lot of Dad Jokes.

Today for example. Me: β€œTomorrow morning is going to rain.” Coworker: β€œWhat’s afternoon?” Me: β€œThe time stretching from 12:01 to about 5pm.” Laughter ensued from the rest of the shop.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndreT_NY
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
🚨︎ report
April’s showers bring sad horses.

A horse was in a hurry to make a sandwich before the last day of the month of April but was missing one ingredient, as 12:01 rolled around, all the horse had to say was β€œMay? Oh!” β€œNeighs”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slothking666
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
🚨︎ report
The award for the best dadjokes 2018 goes to...

… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

  1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

  2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

  3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

  1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

  2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

  3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

  1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

  2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

  3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skormes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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What do you call the rich elites in China?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kosmozoan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2016
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My teacher has great stories

So one day I was in the grocery store, and when I went to check out there was a lady with a lot of items in her cart. She offered that I go in front, but I declined. After all of her groceries were checked out she walked off to her car. When I went to pay for my groceries it had her items on my list to pay. I looked at the cashier and she said that the lady said I was her son and was going to pay for everything. I explained the situation, and the bag boy and I ran out to stop the lady. When she saw us she started running to her car, so we chased her. When she got in her car we grabbed the door and started pulling her leg. Like I am doing to you.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ego_max
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2013
🚨︎ report
A Dad Joke for Neurologists

An obligatory comment about this being my first post

My son showed me his watch. The time on the watch was changing sporadically: 5:24, 12:01, 8:39, 1:44, etc. He said, "Look! My watch is having a stroke!" My response, "I don't know about a stroke, I'd say it's more likely a short in its Trisynaptic Circuit."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Excellery
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2018
🚨︎ report
The content around this sub has been dry recently

https://us-east-1.tchyn.io/snopes-production/uploads/2016/01/abandoned-sub.jpg

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/naht_a_cop
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2018
🚨︎ report
An old man got me good this morning at work

I work as a cashier and was ringing up an older gentleman's items for him.

Me: It's $8.30 sir.

Him: (looks up from his wallet and smiles) No it's only 8:01

I stared at him and giggled like a kid when I realized what happened. Made my day.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StarscreamKills
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2015
🚨︎ report
Sister and I fell for it...

"Why can't you ask a German how high his sunflower is?" "(oh god) Why?" "Cause he'll say, 'ZIS HIGH! http://emptysuit.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/504842c.jpg'"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kjBALLAR
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2013
🚨︎ report
Relevant PVP Comic Strip

http://pvponline.com/comic/2014/10/01/involuntary-reflux

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/feminaprovita
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2014
🚨︎ report
Courtesy of my eye-rolling wife to tell to my kids when they grow up

Wife sent me these (she can't believe she's condoning this behavior):

What does the subatomic duck say? Quark Quark

Two photons arrive at the airport and they are asked if they have any luggage to check. "No thanks, we're traveling light"

Source

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/avelertimetr
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2014
🚨︎ report
A Type Ia Explosion of Dad Jokes

I shared a story about a new supernova on facebook. Then my Dad and some others chimed in with this.

Here's the supernova story if you're interested: New Supernova in M82

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hatgirlstargazer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2014
🚨︎ report
Guy comes into McDonalds daily with this dad joke

Me:M

Guy:G


M: Hello, may I help you?

G: Yes, number four, plain, no tax.

M: Ok, that will be $7.29

G: Ok (Hands over $7.30, (every time))

M: Ok, here's your change ($0.01)

G: Oh look I won the lottery!

M: (Awkward smile after hearing joke, once again) Have a good night.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bolomon7
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2014
🚨︎ report
54 dad jokes told in under 4 minutes

http://mashable.com/2014/01/18/54-dad-jokes/?utm_cid=mash-com-fb-main-link

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/poliscijunki
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2014
🚨︎ report

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