I am a butcher by trade & yesterday I accidently backed into the meat grinder
I got a little behind in my work
Art by Cyanide & Happiness
How can you tell the difference between male & female ants
Put them in water. Girl ants sink. The rest are boy-ant
Playing as a Monk in Dungeons & Dragons isn’t so hard.
You just have to roll with the punches and look out for number one.
I need an adult, pls & thank u
I just saw Jesus & a couple of His disciples drive past me in a new car
Looks like it was a Christler
When a clogged drain killed his family, a clog far past the u-bend & far beyond justice, he knew had to take matters into his own filthy hands. He had to become...
I just returned from my MIL's funeral, she was hit on the head during a tennis match & killed
It was a lovely service...
After 12 years, I finally played World of Warcraft again & all I have to say is
My dad went out for cigarettes 8 years ago & finally came back.
He said he was in the desert with his camels.
Defeating Predators With Facts & Logic
My grandfather lived for 96 years & he never used glasses.
He directly drinks from the bottle.
A man & his wife were taking a winter stroll & admiring the trees that were glistening white with ice & snow. A stranger walked past them and said, “Beautiful hoar-frost!”
The man replied, “Why thank you kind sir, but my name’s not Frost.”
Why did the sled dog puppy shop in the Big & Tall store?
I said to the baker, "How come all your cakes are 50p & that one's £1?"
He said, "That's Madeira cake"
I’m starting a chiropractic business specializing in homeopathic & aromatherapy approaches...
3 domesticated Rams are in the kitchen, labelled A, B & C
If you put a pumpkin on ram A, nothing happens.
If you put a pumpkin on ram B you get the same result.
But if you put a pumpkin on Ram C it starts knocking things off counters, making a mess and abusing the kitchen staff.
I guess that is what happens when you put a gourd on ram c in the kitchen.
When more & more people say “you’re my rock”....
You start feeling like gravel.
Just found out there's a Law & Order UK.
It's produced by Spotted Dick Wolf.
Apple Pie is a ridiculous $5 a slice in the U.S., but only $1 in Jamaica, the Bahamas, & the Virgin Islands
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Did you notice that people started taking the looters & rioters seriously once New York was hit?
Probably because everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but not where the Minneapolis.
BL3 with Tomato Jokes? | Falls, Fails & Funny Moments | Psycho Krieg & the Fantastic Fustercluck DLC
youtu.be/Je2l0OxQl8E
What’s the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo & Juliet?
One’s a Coronavirus and the other is a Verona crisis
I made the most expensive Mac & Cheese ever.
What do you call a manic & depressive grizzly?
Why can’t melons run away & get married?
Because they cantaloupe...
my wife & i have been missing our dog
our dog recently passed & my wife has been crying alot, i tried to cheer her up by finding ourselves an identical dog. she screamed at me, "WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH 2 DEAD DOGS?"
A, B, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, & Z are all racists.. How do I know?
Because they're all not 'C's.
I was in my flat & this tall lady walked past my window.
I knew she was tall....as I live on the 2nd floor.
What’s the difference between a Fly & a Mosquito?
A Mosquito can fly, but a Fly cannot Mosquito.
If two's company & three's a crowd, what are four & five?
God, they are invading us: we need LAW & ORDER!!!
I hate it when uppercase & lowercase letters are mixed together in a phrase...
It's a WoRsT cAsE sCeNaRiO
I was in a food fight at school & accidentally hit the principal with a stale cafeteria bun...
...the jerk had me charged; assault with a breadly weapon.
I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.
How did Captain Hook fight Peter Pan & the lost boys?
An ice cream man was found unconscious in his van today, covered in chocolate sprinkles, hundreds and thousands, raspberry sauce, caramel & nuts.
Police believe he tried to top himself.
My kids got on the subject of lava & asked: “Can you drink it?!”
So I said, “Sure! But it’ll go right through you!”
I am pulling my hair out to think of that R & B singer who opens doors
God, they are invading us: we need LAW & ORDER!!!
Ever heard of the polar bear that lives on both north & south poles, is manic depressive and attracted to both sexes?
Hes known as the bi-polar bi-polar bi polar bear.
What’s the difference between a golfer & a skydiver?
One goes whack...dammit! The other goes dammit...whack!
My friend Anne has the habit of hiring & firing people...
I hate to see someone Anne employed.
What’s the difference between Covid 19 and Romeo & Juliet?
..One’s a Corona virus and the other’s a Verona crisis.
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