You wouldn't know it by looking at him, but my friend is a natural at remodeling kitchens.
I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"
"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
Remember when air was free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. You know why?
You know why they call it a checking account?
Cause I’m always checking to see if there’s money.
You know Murphy's Law. It's "If something can go wrong, it will", but do you know Cole's law? It's...
shredded cabbage, mayonnaise, maybe some carrot.
Do you know why is it called bad-minton🏸 and not good-minton? • Because it involves "RACKETS"
Did you know that when it snows my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen?
You know that it is cold outside when
You go outside and it is cold.
You know your supposed to knock on the refrigerator door before you open it
Cuz there might be a salad dressing
I made up a joke so get ready to hate on me. Trump (I know it's topical).... Trump was nervous during the election and was asked "hey, do you want some spiced tea"?
My closet has a weird smell to it. Do you know what mothballs smell like?
Next question. How did you get their little legs to spread?
Beck always said he was a loser. How would you make him into a know-it-all?
Put him in a treehouse. That way, he would be Tree-Beck instead.
Do you know what it means if you have a headache?
It means you have a head.
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
You know, I was looking at our ceiling the other day. It’s not the best...
Did you know: in boxing, it’s extremely important to have perfect form when going against a new fighter...
because the fist impression is everything.
You know why they call it jelly instead of jam?
Because it's so hard to get it in the jar.
This isn’t mine and I don’t know who made it, but it’s been on my phone for so many years and I haven’t seen it on here yet. I hope you all love it as much as I do.
It’s 1066 and you know what that means?
I shouldn’t have bought my watch second hand.
My wife said, “I can’t seem to find my datebook. Do you know where it is?”
I said, “Sounds like... you have a hidden agenda.”
Do you know why Aldi’s doesn’t sell its own brand of nuts?
Because it’s would be called Aldi’s Nuts
You know what feels like it should be fair but isn't?
What?! You don't know what a zombie's least favorite food is? You'll figure it out
it's a no-brainer really.
Did you know in some places it's illegal to disrupt a choir?
Yep, it's against the la.
You know, it seems like every time I kill a gnat, another one appears.
So, I guess you could say they're appearing at the drop of a gnat.
Do you know there’s a flagpole which is 171m tall in Saudi Arabia? I can’t wrap my head around it.
I mean seriously, my arms are not long enough. Let alone my head.
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
“Hey where’s my nose?” “Idk I Guess someone stole it” “Omg do you know who?”
If you want to know what it's like to be a suicide bomber?
What do you call a wolf that knows it's a wolf
Son: What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? Dad: I know you think it’s R, but I think it’s X. Son: Why?
No, it’s definitely not Y.
Did you know an elephants sex organs are in its feet?
If one steps on you your fucked.
I hate it when people don't know the difference between your and you're...
You know you’ve made a terrible joke when you make the math teacher completely lose it.
Teacher: “If acceleration is constant, we get all these really nice formulas. If acceleration is not constant, the math gets messy.”
Me: “You might say that for ruining the math, it’s being a jerk.”
You know its raining cats and dogs...
when you step in a poodle
You know that air that is generated by helicopter rotors when they are spinning really fast? Did you know that it’s not normal air?
Finland has closed its borders, You know what that means...
No one will cross the Finnish line
Did you know you can change the breed of your poodle by teaching it to giggle on command?
It will change the breed of your dog into a snicker-doodle.
I told my kid to stop playing Russian roulette. But you know it is with kids,
in one ear, out the other!
Niagara sounds like the antonym of viagra. Now you know why it falls.
Why do you always know ask on the fridge before opening it?
Just in case there is a salad dressing.
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.
You know Murphy's Law. It's "If something can go wrong, it will", but do you know Cole's law? It's...
shredded cabbage, mayonnaise, maybe some carrot.
I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"
"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
Air used to be free and now it’s 1.75 you know why?
Before air was free at the gas station, and now you have to pay for it? You know why?
You know it’s cold outside
When you go outside and it’s cold.
What do you call a wolf that knows it's a wolf?
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