If you are offended by my dad jokes, don’t get mad and ask me to go to the artificial excavation filled with water.

I mean well.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaulFromTheParty
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
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Ok brace yourselves for an absolute travesty of a joke, said during bathtime after water got into my daughter's eyes.

I told my wife:

There's the captain water, and the crewmember water. The captain water says: "All right crewmembers, do you know where you have to go?" The crewmember water replies: "Eye eye, sir!"

This earned me a proper facepalm from my wife which I shall wear proudly as a badge of honor and now share here with you.

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OiTheRolk
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
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I would tell you a joke about an underground water pump...

But it's a bore

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sprocket_Bat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
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Here’s a solid water joke.

Ice.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/j_gerth
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
🚨︎ report
If you think under water jokes are bad...

Wait until you sea mine

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mattxfish
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I know lots of jokes that will make your eyes water...

I guess I like aqueous humour

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BazzyTheLemon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2018
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Have you heard to the joke about the three holes with water in them?

Well, well, well

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/El_Zoodaro
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
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Did you hear the joke about the koala bear who preferred to steep its eucalyptus leaves in water instead of eating them?

It's a koala tea joke.

(Variation of other koala jokes I've heard).

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheVaccinator
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
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I want to tell a joke about a broken water main, but I have a dry sense of humor
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jebaird
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2017
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I'd tell you a joke about water wells...

...but I'm running dry!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/p7810456
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2017
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How do you determine the mass of a red hot chili pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hawkeye45_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2021
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From my 9 year old son: Dad, what hand do you wipe your bum with? Me: My right hand......

Response: EEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR, I use toilet paper.

Well played, boy.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
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I asked my Dad why he decided to buy a boat?

He said "There was a sail."

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_PoodlePants
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
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Clearing a windscreen
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BiestjE
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
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Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in water...

....you can safely wear it on your head... because it's capsized.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/b_wanker
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
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What did Tennessee?

The same thing Arkansas

πŸ‘︎ 283
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1989JY_Ked
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2021
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Why did the blind man fall into the well?

Because he couldn't see that well

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TotallyUnassuming
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
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If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed.

That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
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To all ya'll in Texas without tap water

Get well soon.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kimenon001
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
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My friend just can't afford to pay his huge water bill...

I've just sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.

πŸ‘︎ 154
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2021
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Two goldfish are in a tank.

One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LayThatPipe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
What is a pregnant women's favourite part of a hike?

The water break...

Said this during a hike so it was all the more sweeter to hear the only two dad's chuckle.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pomacanthus_asfur
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
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Nein du verdammter Nebel!
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
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What do you need to do when you’re addicted to sea weed?

Sea kelp

πŸ‘︎ 377
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spec1aLEddy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
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I bought a pen that can write underwater

... it can write other words as well.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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Where do mansplainers get their water?

From a well, actually..

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/safiyah-l
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
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My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday

That’s ridiculous, I didn’t even know it was her birthday

πŸ‘︎ 168
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πŸ‘€︎ u/connor242
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
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It’s the lighter fluid
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kelly240361
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Someone asked me to name 2 structures that hold water.

I was like well damn.

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Branith
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
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A damn good joke
πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HenkBlok
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
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Three men were onboard a ship playing dice on deck when the oldest man angrily jumped off the front of the boat. The younger man said..

You keeled my father. Prepare two die.

*I sent this to my brother and he replies: Was his name Inyougo?

^(What a freaking professional)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/calvinweight
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
The leading cause of dry skin

A towel.

Got em

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/karenismycat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Justice is a dish best served cold

Because if it were served warm it would be justwater

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/onion-volcano
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
my friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'.

I know he means well.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation to build a community swimming pool.

So, I handed him a glass of water.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gr8prajwalb
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
British people be like: I'm bri ish

I guess they drank the t

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NGBNM
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My 8yr old daughter got me with "I can breathe under water"

She filled a cup of water placed it on her head and began to violently and rapidly breathe in and out. The force is strong with her.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theevildave
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Which weighs more, a gallon of water, or a gallon of butane?

A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ew0k5AN0nomi5
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
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The police arrested water because it was wanted in three states

Gas, liquid, and solid

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cvzmir
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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My next door neighbor and I are good friends, so we decided to share our water supply.

We got a long well.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tankerman05
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
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Some people aren't shaking hands because of the Coronavirus.

I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vole182
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
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Why couldn't the sailor play cards?

The captain was standing on the deck!

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankXCIV
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my son when he was choking on a drink of water.

(Son) cough, cough "That water went down the wrong tube".

(Dad) "Oh no. Now it's going to come out your butt".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikedudical
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2014
🚨︎ report
What is similar between dad jokes and clean water?

Only some get it.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Felaxo12
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill

So I sent him a "get well soon" card

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedCakesYT
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend in the country couldn’t afford his water bill...

So I sent him a β€˜Get Well Soon!’ card.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyberentomology
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report

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