I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
At least he wasn't too chicken to complain
"Son, I heard you got punished for using the 'F ' word in class. That wasn't fun was it ?"
I went to a Ford dealership the other day looking for a specific model. The salesman told me they didn’t have what I was looking for and that I wasn’t allowed to leave.
My trip to Oklahoma wasn't great.
I used to be the soccer team's striker until my coach realized I wasn't playing well. He said....
You should play defense, no offense.
My brother had to quit his job as a weightlifter because he wasn't strong enough.
He handed in his too weak notice yesterday.
A couple days ago I went for a walk beside a pasture and seen a lone cow when I went again today he wasn't there
I guess he got a promotion for being the only one outstanding in his field
I went into the kitchen this morning and there was a "Get better soon" card on the table for me. I called out to my wife asking what it was for because I wasn't sick.
She shouted back from the other room "It's an ultimatum."
I've been wearing this mask for so long, I wasn't sure I'd even be able to get rid of it.
In the first few months of my wife's pregnancy she wasn't showing
Today is the Ides of March, when Caesar was famously assassinated. But what most people don't know is that he wasn't stabbed, but poisoned, by Hemlock leaves in his salad - hence the name "Caesar's Salad." When Brutus asked how many Hemlock leaves Caesar ingested, Caesar said:
What would Ed Sheeran be if he wasn't a musician?
I wasn't feeling well this morning....
So, I took my gloves off.
Why wasn't the scuba diver invited to the company's executive beach party?
Because he was below C-level.
I wasn't originally going to have a brain transplant....
.....but then I changed my mind.
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
A fat man came into the store trying to decide if he wanted a hammock. He laid down in the display model and I tried pushing him so he could feel what it was like to gently rock. I wasn't strong enough. He left without purchasing it.
I wasn't impressed with the ketchup manufacturer's market research.
They had terrible sauces.
He probably wasn't bready for it
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
Why wasn't helium surprised or shocked when it won the lottery?
Because it's not a very good reactor
My friend wasn't happy with his new car, so I said "Dude, just roll with it".
i guess the crowd wasn't orderly orderly orderly though
Did you know that Shakespeare wasn't just an amazing playwright? He also made exceptional wigs!
His shop name? Toupee or Not Toupee.
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
Last year wasn't much fun having a broken neck injury..
.. but at least now, I can look back and laugh.
Someone said I wasn’t very smart because I never read anything. Well it so happens I was reading an article just the other day
It said Juicy.
Turns out it was an article of clothing.
Why wasn't RBG a business executive?
Did you know that the first ever French Fry wasn’t cooked in France?
Two satellites decided to get married. The wedding wasn't much
But the reception was incredible.
I went to an exotic petting zoo with Boy George. He wasn't at all impressed with their limited range of animals.
He started pointing them out to me.
"Llama, llama, llama, llama, llama, chameleon."
++++++++++++++++++
I thought of this today while driving and smacked my wheel as I giggled. My girlfriend stared at me, bemused and confused.
I like it. I'm proud of myself.
I once knew a guy who was a pilot but he wasn't very bright.
All of his friends called him plain stupid.
I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof
My kid wasn't sure if he wanted eggnog or not.
You might say he's eggnostic.
I built a spice rack that wasn't big enough to hold all my spices
I lost track of all of space and thyme
This tasty plant wasn't just a big dill, it was the National Anethum
My daughter's birth wasn't a delivery...
He wasn't lying, just saying
"Son !!! I heard you got punished for using the 'F' word in class. That wasn't fun, was it ?"
At first I wasn't going to get a brain transplant,
but then I changed my mind.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
I was devastated this afternoon, when my wife said my 5 year old son wasn't mine...
She said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
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