V Shaped Puns

That side has more birds.

because it takes too long to walk in a V-shape

Having a small party for my guitar and music obsessed soon-to-be 3 year old. Wanted to put some signs next to the food to make it more on-theme. We’ll be serving:

Chicken nuggets PB&Js (in the shape of guitars) Veggie tray Fruit tray Water & juice

I’m struggling to think of stuff. So far I only have Nirvana Nuggets (which I realize isn’t even a pun) and PB&J Richie Samboraches. Lame, I know 😂 Help me out if you can think of any more!

They have gone pear-shaped.

They're always bent out if shape.

A heart shaped bread. (she pronounced it "hot" with a heavy British accent). This is her Valentine day joke. I am a proud dad.

Ophthalmologist: - "Ahh, thank you so much! This is a crystal ball in the shape of an Eye. For your birthday I will...."

Gynaecologist: "Don't even think about it!"

Some custom mods, but in great shape - it was only driven from time to time.

It was ruled by a fair king who joyfully ruled his land. Unfortunately, the kingdom was also home to a wicked thief who loved nothing more than causing mayhem for all the inhabitants of the land.

However, the thief was not your ordinary thief. He only stole bells. Any kind of bell, whether a tiny bell from a kitten’s collar, all the way up to the bell from the king’s royal bell tower.

When the king awoke one morning, the bell tower’s bell was missing. The king, being brave and noble, decided to follow the thief back to his lair. He chose four of his most loyal soldiers, mounted his horse, and rode off into the snowy woods, following the footprints left behind on the ground.

Soon, he and his soldiers arrived to a clearing in the woods. In front of them was a large, bell-shaped building. They found the thief’s lair!Pointing to the recent tracks left in the snow by the thief, the king announced to the soldiers,

“Look! The Fresh Prints to Bell Lair!”

It was just a hunch.

I talked to her about it, turns out I was wrong, and I stand corrected.

I’m really not sure what I was all bent out of shape about.

she's worked very hard and i know it's been difficult for her, but i'm very proud. she's in possibly the best shape of her life and she is once again confident in her own body, but i will endlessly love her despite what she looks like.

what, were you expecting me to say something about a baby?

There was a race horse named Pat, who was one of the greatest race horses to ever live. He set records that were near impossible to beat. After a long time of racing, he retired to an old stable with some old friends. They were very happy that he retired there to stay with him, and congratulated him on all of his records that he set.

Once Pat retired, he started keeping track of all the up and coming horses that were winning a lot. There was a race horse named Charlie that was doing really great and winning all his races. Pat saw this horse and watched him race. Charlie started to break all of Pat’s records and Pat was a little upset with this.

After a while, Charlie decided to retire after an extremely successful career in racing. By chance, Charlie decided to retire at the same stable that Pat retired in. When Charlie entered the stable, everyone went up to him to congratulate him on his records and wins. Pat went up to Charlie and said, “Hey Charlie congratulations on all of your wins! You broke a lot of my records and I was very impressed.” Charlie responds, “go away old man, I’m better than you ever were.” Pat was blown away by his response. He galloped away from Charlie with defeat.

After a while of thinking, Pat decides to challenge Charlie to a race. Charlie agreed to it and wanted to race right away. He said “We will race to the tree over there and turn around and come back and whoever gets there first will be the winner.” Pat was still healthy but he needed a few weeks to get his legs back into shape for the race. Charlie gives Pat 2 weeks to get ready.

After 2 weeks pass, they are ready to race. “Hey Pat, before we race I want to warn you that I win my races by passing them by the end. So don’t get all cocky and think you are going to win.” Charlie says. Pat thanks him for the warning and they start getting set to race.

The gun sounds and they are off to race. Pat starts out in front, and nears the finish. Out of know where, Charlie zooms ahead of Pat and wins the race.

Pat was very disappointed in his loss, but congratulated Charlie anyways. A dog comes up to them and says, “Wow, that was a fantastic race! Neither of you should be upset with that. You both were so great!” Charlie looks to Pat and Pat looks to Charlie. They are astonished. Charlie says, “Say that again! Say it again!” The dog says a little confused, “Well I just said that you both were so great out there.” Pat says, “Charlie! It’s a talking dog!”

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

“Yes of course” replied Trevor

But it was in rough shape.

Not completely sure this is a dadjoke but it sure got the same reaction. This happened about two years ago.

My wife used to work nights and on Friday and Saturday after she went to work, my then-12yo son and I would often watch a movie together. Sometimes he picked, usually it was a movie from The List, movies I liked when I was his age, things that shaped my sense of humor. I want him to be able to recognize the stupid quotes and references I throw at him. It’s his cultural education.

So we settled in for Groundhog Day. I’m a sucker for time travel shenanigans. Finished it up, he enjoyed it, and the next morning he was off to Boy Scout camp for a week.

He came back, we’re all excited to see him, and I tell him I got Groundhog Day 2 from Netflix. Threw it in the DVD player and we got about 20 minutes into before he looked at me and said “this is just Groundhog Day all over again, isn’t it? There is no Groundhog Day 2.”

So worth an extra week hanging onto the disc.

She asked for ice for some imaginary wound, and as I gave her the ice pack (shaped like a circle with five fingers), she told me, "Thanks, Dad, I just needed a hand."

I've never been more proud.

His funeral is on Wednesday. I've made him a wreath in the shape of a throw ring. It's what he would have wanted.

Did you hear about the magician who grabbed Eminem so hard his SnapBack fell off?

He pulled a rabbit out of his hat

What do you call a magician who is an administrator at a college, but nobody knows what students he is in charge of?

Whose dean’s he?

A magician went out to the store and bought a big metal structure so he could hang upside down and do situps. He also loved painting, but because of his style he often knocked the canvas around while dabbing on the paint. So he bought another, wooden structure, like an easel, but with clamps to hold the painting in place while he prodded it with the paintbrush. His wife asked, as he brought them in, what the hell he had just bought. He replied:

“Ab rack and dab rack”

What do you call a magician with very skinny fingers?

Slight of hand

The magician’s wife brought him to the store to buy gifts for a birthday party. She picked out a lovely candle, but wanted to include a nice note. The magician knew just what to do. He brought her down an aisle, found a section marked “birthday,” and said:

“Pick a card, any card”

The Russian magician, in 1932, found an amazing new piece for his act: a giant, wooden sarcophagus in the shape of a beautiful woman. The piece had giant, metal blades inside at waist level. They were locked in place while it was open, but retracted as it closed, making it seem as though the magician had escaped death. But one day, while he was practicing, the great sarcophagus fell over - door still open - right on the magician. When he was found, he was cut right in two. Moral of the story:

In Soviet Russia, box woman saws you.

Okay that’s it. I’m so sorry, I have nothing better to do.

My best friend lives on the East Coast. I’m on the West. He often streams his games over Skype so I can hang out and watch. He was playing the Witcher 3, and fighting the water monster men. I said “They just want to know the shape of you,” and he coincidentally died at that moment.

He got really, really mad. I always knew my puns annoyed him a little, but when I was sad, he’d tell dumb puns he’d google to cheer me up. But he just went into a tangent on how much puns annoy him and how he doesn’t get that I keep doing them over and over again every day whenever I talk with him. Trying to stop or cut back on puns would be pretty difficult and make me sad; I love witty wordplay and commentary, and bottling it up feels awful. But apparently it really, really annoys him.

What should I do?

Wife made son(14) breakfast today. He said, "Mom, my eggs are shaped like Australia." Wife responded, "It's a continental breakfast, son."

They are both quality control managers and are instructed to check on the product before leaving.

They go below deck and open on of the boxes, and inside are hundreds of potatoes. One of them picks one up and notices that it’s a very odd shape for a potato. He picks up another and is also perplexed by its peculiarity.

He picks up a third and realizes that they are all shaped like penises. He says to his friend “I don’t think we can work on this ship with all these penis potatoes.”

So they go up to the captains quarters to quit. When they arrive they say “Captain, we cant work on this ship. We would like to get off.”

He looks them in the eye and says, “I’m sorry gentlemen. This isn’t a democracy. It’s a dictatorship.”

—

Originally read on r/jokes , but reworded for brevity.

So once upon a time, there was a planet shaped like a cheerio. A small moon made of milk or tied the planet, going through the center of the donut shaped world. On this planet, lived an interesting species. They acted and lived similarly to us humans? But looked just like large Cheerios (with footings hands and feet like miis) Within this society there were levels of Cheerios: original, honey nut, and finally frosted. The originals were the backbone of the economy, doing the herd labor while the honey nuts ran the businesses and the frosted Cheerios (the top of the top) led the world. Our story today focuses on a single Cheerio. Born into an original Cheerio family, this lad learned the hard way how to work. From a young age, he was forced to get a job in the local milk refinery, where his dad worked. He grew up, and soon had a family of his own. His wife, son, and daughter all worked hard, but were happy. One day walking home from school, the kids found a runaway honey nut Cheerio pup, and decided to keep him. It wasn’t much, but it inspired our little Cheerio friend here. One day, he got fed up with taking orders, and demanded a raise. His entire family has worked in this one factory for three generations, and he wanted to move up in the world, not just for him but also his kids. His old boss however, did not have the power to promote this Cheerio, and he was forced to make a life changing decision: he would go to the refinery company and use every penny in the family savings account (under the bed) to try and get a higher position. After waiting on line for over a week, his appoint was finally here. After bickering and bargaining for hours, the refinery company boss saw a spark in this lad’s eye. He agreed to give this Cheerio a promotion to the honored honey nut glaze in exchange for everything this man owned, including the family’s prized honey nut dog. Was it worth it? Well pretty soon he owned his own milk refinery and was able to breed his own honey nut dogs, so yes, yes it was. Owning and operating the refinery went smoothly. Milk was transported from the moon to the planet using space busses, and the milk itself was funneled down to the refineries using large straws. After the milk was ready to drink, it was shipped off to be sold. He was happy working here, but eventually he realized it wasn’t enough. This Cheerio, once a simple original Cheerio wanted to follow the “American dream” and do the best he could. He wanted to become a frosted Ch

I just purchased and presented her with a fancy Octopus-shaped necklace, and to my utter dismay, I discovered it only had seven legs... "WTF, it's a Septopus?!"

Seeing I was obviously upset, she just smiled and replied, "I still like it, don't be an Upset-topus"...

I'm so proud of her right now.

Me: just trying to get whipped into shape.

The frog pulls out a small weird shaped item, made of ceramic. Ms. Black isn’t sure what to make of it, so she asks her manager. He takes one look at the item, and says, “Why that’s a knick knack Patty Black, give that frog a loan!”

I really don't understand geomety, plane and simple! It feels like I just keep going in circles so I don't get the point! Even if for some people it shapes their life, this is where I draw the line!

What did the pumpkin shaped cookie who was cut with a pumpkin shaped cookie cutter say at the Christmas party?

I wasn't cut out for this.

There was a village that had four competing pie shops, each inhabiting their own corner of the town. One of these shops was named "The Circle".

The Circle wanted to gain an edge on the other shops, they wanted to stand out. They realized they could transport more pies in their boxes if they made the pies square instead of circular, so they would stack better. The only place in the village to have these oddly-shaped pies is at The Circle.

So, for the area of The Circle, the pie are squared.

My infant has a pretty flat head, when I took him to the doctor's office to get a referral for a helmet to shape his head, they asked what his name was.

I told them, "Well, his name is ___, but we like to call him Phillips to encourage him."

I got some truly authentic guffaws, and my dadjoke confidence rose a bit. I feel like I may be getting the hang of this.

Germany.

I'm no dad but I'll get myself into shape for when the time comes .

Me: While I was in the shower the water pressure wasn’t right, and I noticed the tubing on the handheld shower head is bent out of shape.

Wife: OK. Are you going to fix it?

Me: Eventually. But I have to confess something. I went ahead and used it this morning the way it is. Are you upset?

Wife: Upset? No. Why?

Me: Well, I think most wives would be pretty mad if they heard their husband had been taking a shower with some kinky hose.

Mum was out shopping and calling Dad excitedly at some new bedding she'd found. "It's so us, it will help your back, and it looks so so so comfortable. Come on, we've not had new bedding in years. I've chosen this amazing bed, sheets that go perfectly with our room. There's a deal where they throw in extras, like a U shaped pillow and then......."

Dad cut her off mid-flow and shouted "OK! Do it! Let's get it!"

He relayed the conversation back to us and said he was really excited.

Weeks later when the bed finally arrived he stood watching her unwrap the parts. I was just outside the room. He waited for his cue and when she opened the U shaped pillow - boom - he hit it,

"It looks nothing like me!" He shouted.

He turned to me and winked "totally worth it" he grinned at me.

..............…

I was confused.

................

He said "when I heard about the U shaped pillow I was so sold on the joke I had to let her buy it all".

Yeah... Nice one dad........

Little Harold attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Harold asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Harold, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

What is in the same shape as half of an apple?

The other half

Because there are more geese on that side.

There's more birds on that side.

There’s more birds on that side.

There are more birds on that side.

There are more birds on one side.

In excellent shape, few miles

Only driven time to time

Because it wanted to get in shape.

Now I can tell everyone I’m always in shape.

I thought round was a shape