Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song
But chick peas can only hummus one.
Please dont call us grammar nazis
We prefer the term "alt-write"
Don't go to fast foods in America they are scamming us.
My kids meal didn't include any kids.
The Killer Ohms are attacking us!
WE MUST MAKE A RESISTANCE!
My wife has been taking a course in advanced electrics and it's taken over her life. Everything she says these days concerns resistors, transformers, circuitry, voltage, ampage etc. All fucking day long, I've tried explaining to her it's driving a wedge between us, but she won't listen to reason.
She just buries her head in the sand like an off switch.
My 5yo blew us away with this original that he came up with all on his own. What do you call two ice dragons?
Twice dragons.
Update: honestly thank you everyone, you guys are totally making this kids day! Distance learning in kindergarten has been rough and he misses seeing his friends pretty hard, so when I told him about this (I was able to use “Wreck-It Ralph : Ralph breaks the Internet” and buzz tube with likes/hearts as a reference) he’s been smiling from ear to ear nonstop since! A million thankyou‘s for the kind words and awards.
After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, the goalkeeper invited us for a party afterwards.
It was the Father, the Son, and the Goalie host.
I've always wanted to be the US President like my dad
He too always wanted to be the US President
My buddy and I used to be Marijuana dealers and we always split our profits evenly between us.
Coworker's response to us wearing similar outfits at office job
"Hey! Who we playing tonight?"
"Son, do you think we should find an expert to guide us in our trek up Mt. Everest?"
My wife was not happy with the new mattress I bought for us and wanted to return it asap
I asked her to sleep on it and decide tomorrow.
My wife told me that my botanical garden was so expensive that it was preventing us from starting a family. She said I can either have a hobby...
My new girlfriend and I are both really into fitness, and I've got a really good feeling about us.
I just know we're going to workout.
A sausage says to the egg "You know, after they burn us up on that hot pan, they'll stab us with forks and cut us with their sharp knives...
The egg says to the sausage "wow, amazing - a talking sausage!"
My son asked me if gravity kept us on the earth
I'm up in the air on that one
Considering how hard they worked to teach us stop, drop, and roll...
I really expected to be set on fire more as an adult.
Hey what are your plans for Valentine's day? -Us singles be like :
Covid's got us all like this
A friend told me he glued himself to us autobiography,
I don't believe him, but it's his story and he's sticking to it.
"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself and shared it with us during Christmas dinner!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Honolulu...
Which vegetable tells us how old a taxi is?
when I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory
i was training in the military, and our instructor told us to fire at will.
few months later, i was court marshalled for murdering a superior by the name of "drill sergeant will"
What invention allows us to see through walls?
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
I believe I speak for almost all of us here
*Good morning
*Buenos dias
*Bonjour
*Guten Morgen
*Boungiorno
*Bom dia
*God morgon
*Selamat pagi
*Goedemorgen
*God morgen
*Dobroye utro
Wanna know something about the Among Us ghost chat?
It's usually pretty dead.
My friends and I were playing a game where you have to think of famous Johns. The game ends if you pick a John that is no longer with us.
It's all fun and games until someone gets Hurt.
I was playing among us and someone accused me that i was impostor
I just need to vent about it for a bit
I still remember my childhood quite fondly, when dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.
Those were the Good Years.
there’s an impasta among us
What did the US Constitution say to the 8th Amendment?
“So, the US is pulling out of the war right? Like, we don’t care about their fighting anymore?”
Good thing there are just the two doors to the US Capitol building
Cause attempted sedan doesn’t have the same ring to it
They are pushing milk on us
From my 70 year old dad: I hung up a map of the US in the kitchen and gave my wife a dart. I told her we would go on a two week vacation wherever she stuck the dart.
Looks like we’ll be spending two weeks behind the fridge.
The Mama Roach asked "What will happen to us if that human sprays us with Raid?"
The Papa Roach replied "Suffocation. No breathing."
In college, we had a buddy who always gave us suggestions as to what booze or drugs to try.
He was the original trip advisor.
Turned on the US News and didn't realize...
That there was a new Gerard Butler movie: "Capitol Hill has Fallen"
My dad (67) just sent this to me. It's literally a dad joke. Some of us might not get it though I'm sure.
What does the Pink Panther say when he knocked over an ant hill?
Dead ant... dead ant... dead ant dead ant dead ant... dead ant dead ant....
Like all of us have been.
Did you hear about the depressive state of US?
The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song but...
the Chick Peas can only humm us one!
The black eyed peas can sing us a tune
But the chick peas can only hummus one
The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song...
But the Chickpeas can only hummus a tune.
The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song
but the chick peas can only hummus one
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