I was tortured by mimes

They did unspeakable things to me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shaaaaaaaun
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
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I've been torturing my daughter with jokes for years now

And here they are

In case this is your first time here (I haven't posted in a while), I find jokes here and elsewhere on the internet (and now my friends have started sending me jokes), and I text them to my daughter. I then capture her reactions for those sweet, sweet internet points.

Thanks very much to the original joke submitters. You dads are alright. If you missed any of the previous episodes:

Vol. 1

Vol. 2

Vol. 3

Vol. 4

EDIT: Since this is blowing up, I may as well mention that the young lady in question just passed her driver's license test this morning! Everyone congratulate her!

Also, thanks for the gold.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/geoffevans
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2018
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turtle torture

what do you call it when a tortoise has balance issues?

tortellini

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πŸ‘€︎ u/capngloval
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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While being tortured I was asked if I'd prefer to have either my arms or legs cut off.

I was stumped.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/snakesinfur
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
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I've been torturing my daughter with jokes for weeks now

http://imgur.com/a/3XNNs

Got some of them from here

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πŸ‘€︎ u/geoffevans
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2016
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I’ve been torturing my 12yo son with dad jokes for the last month or so...he came in first thing this morning and laid this one on me...

Where do sunburned dinosaurs go for help?

The Allosaurus.

He earned a high-five for that one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MissBecka
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
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The US doesn't condone torture techniques like waterboarding.

We prefer the term "tactical baptism".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fukhed69
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2018
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Torturing donkeys

It’s a pain in the ass.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TarantulaPets
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
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I was once kidnapped by a group of mimes

They did unspeakable things to me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlabamaMayan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
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I tortured a guy from PETA.

He screamed for deer life.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatandsalt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2018
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The man who killed donkeys for money.

He was an ass-assin

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MobileSunflower
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
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I've been torturing my best friend.

I'm a 24yr F, and was well-trained by my father in the art of dad jokes. And I discovered that my best friend hates dad jokes one evening when we were hanging out and she goes "Hey Sasafras23...I'm hungry."

"Hi hungry, I'm Sasafras23."

"I HATE YOU."

Since then I have been periodically torturing her with dad jokes. Most recently:

(Helping her clean for a party). Friend: "Okay, let's hit the table first."

(I hit the table sharply) "Okay, now what?"

Her: I swear I will kill you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sasafras23
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2017
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I used to work at the calendar factory

... but was fired for taking a couple of days off!

Not unknown, but a fave. I also wanted to say I became a certified dad today! I plan on utilizing this sub to torture my new child.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EridonMan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
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Touring the "medieval torture and execution" section of an old European castle, when I dropped this one...

"The guillotine truly was cutting-edge technology at the time."

A dad within earshot said he appreciated my sharp wit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shadowthunder
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2015
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So you like being tortured?.....

Then you might like getting some pun-ishment over at r/specificpuns!

Yep. That was gold.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_LEWIS_IS_ALL
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2012
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Tortured the trivia night host.

Question: How many layers are there in the atmosphere. Team answer: 5

Host: You guys got it right! How did you know that? Me: I pulled it out of thin air.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Foster_Reddit
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2015
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I was talking to a girl who makes historically accurate clothing for fun.

It started out as just one dress, but she enjoyed it so much that she started making more. She told us that she is now fully embracing her hobby, and had decided to wear corsets for a week to prove that they can be comfortable and not torture devices. To which I replied: "So I guess you could say that your hobby is fully embracing you!"

Bonus: About 10 minutes previous, I had told one of the other people in the conversation that I'd been practicing my dad jokes for years before my daughter was born.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flaquito_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
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I have a invention! It's a small edible device that would freshen your breath while simultaneously releasing a subtle and soothing A-chord. You would use the device (with the fresh breath and soothing sound) to help increase the effectiveness of apologies.

I call it:

THE A-TONE-MINT!!!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gbeeson
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2016
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A story about a cannibal

So a long time ago, there used to live a cannibal. He used to eat a lot of people. Each day he would kill a person to eat. One day, he didn't kill one, thinking it would be fun to torture him. So he tied him up and started to cut off his appendages one by one. He started with the nose, but got tired by the time he got to the ear. He ate the ear, and then went to sleep.

The next morning, when he peed, he told the guy

"I have ur ea in my pee"

(Ur ea read as your ear and urea.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mukundan_chariar
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
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Everyone on this sub is a sadist...

Because we like punishing others.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zillo7
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2018
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The award for the best dadjokes 2018 goes to...

… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

  1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

  2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

  3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

  1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

  2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

  3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

  1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

  2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

  3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skormes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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I just discovered r/dadjokes today

I've been browsing it all day and annoying my family by reading every post out to them.

After enough torture the app stopped working.

I told them "Aww the app crashed...

I guess it wasn't a very good driver."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tater8q3
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2015
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this one was so annoying I don't even want to post it.

my dad telling me about a new guy at work. my dad: "so at the meeting today the new guy mentions he had a dream about work"

my dad says to him... "looks like you found your dream job"

I'm sorry people as much as it pains me to think about this horrible, HORRIBLE joke and write it out I just had to torture you guys with it. again I'm so so sorry

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alfrednugent
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2014
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An old favorite

King Broderick was in trouble. He wasn't a very good king, and his brother Argyle was gathering forces to depose him and take the crown. In desperation, he captured Count Petrie, a very popular man who was one of his brother's cronies, and tortured him to learn his brother's location.

But the count wouldn't divulge the information, so the King scheduled a public execution. The crowds gathered, including the King's brother, who was there in disguise. The Count was forced to kneel, with his head on the chopping block. The headsman stood nearby, holding his axe at the ready. King Broderick loudly proclaimed "Count, you are here before me because you have aligned yourself with my brother. If you tell me where he is, I will allow you to live out your days in my dungeon. Remain silent, and you will die." The Count remained silent. King Broderick motioned to the headsman, who slowly raised his axe and swung it down...THUNK...into the wood next to the Count's head. The Count stared at the axe, visibly shaking. King Broderick loudly proclaimed "Count, that was a warning, and there will not be another. Tell me where my brother is and you will live. Remain silent, and you will die!" The Count stayed silent. King Broderick again motioned to the headsman, who raised the axe. As the headsman began the downswing, the Count cried out "Wait!!" but...THUNK...it was too late, and the Count's head fell to the ground.

At the Count's death, the King's brother leapt up and revealed himself to the crowd. Cheering Argyle, they crowded forward and overran the King's guards. Soon, it was Broderick's head on the chopping block. Argyle, the new King, waved back the headsman, knelt beside his brother and whispered into his ear "Silly brother, don't hatchet your Counts before they've chickened."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nyarlathotep4King
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2018
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Why did the first fishmonger go to hell?

Because he sold his sole to the devil.

Why did the second fishmonger go to hell?

Because he was a sadistic serial killer who raped and tortured his victims.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thkoog
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2017
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Just say meow.

How my dad used to wake us up. I can't wait to torture my kids this way.

Dad: wake up, its time for school!

Me: 5 more minutes.

Dad: oh you want a cat nap? Say 'meow'

Me: nooooo ughhh

Dad: I'm not Noah? But didn't he build an ark?

Me: dad go away!

Dad: but I already know what I weigh.

Me: dad pleaaase

Dad: police? Where?!

Me: dad leave me alone!

Dad: a loan? Okay how much do you need?

Me: dad stop!

Dad: just say meow.

Me: meow

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2014
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Been too sick (flu) to give my son his daily doses of dad jokes...

(Son wanting to be amused while I'm writing around with a terrible case of flu.)

Me: "I'm sorry, buddy. I'm dying here." Son: "If you die, who will tell me stupid jokes?" Me: "I'll come back from the grave to torture you with stupid dad jokes." Son: "Like a zombie?" Me: "Like the pun-dead."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/roguebuckeye
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2015
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My dad's response every time ....

When I was a kid, if I got sick or hurt, and would tell my dad "my stomach hurts", he'd respond with "how's your face feel?" I'd of course say it felt fine, that's not what hurts. He replies, "well, it's killing me!" I want to hear from other people that survived the torture; what are some quotes of your dad you'll never forget?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FussBuss
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2013
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Like a demonic possession, this joke took a hold of me this morning and would not let go. I'm sorry.

The CIA had changed its recruiting practices, what with all the recent leaks and other problems. So Mr. Johnson was more than a little surprised to see a pine tree, which was dressed in a rather nice suit, waiting outside his office when he arrived at 9 am. He asked his secretary, "Gladys, who is this?"

"Mr. Johnson, this is Mr. Cone, our newest hire. He wanted to talk with you about the Honduras assignment."

Mr. Johnson spoke to Mr. Cone in his office. His new pine tree colleague was very knowledgeable and well-spoken, but there was something about him that threw Mr. Johnson off. He tried to dismiss his concerns as imaginary, but it gnawed at him all through the morning. He barely touched his lunch, as some of the things Mr. Cone had said were still swirling around and around in his mind. He was sure something was wrong, so he went in to see the head of their office branch, Mr. Smith.

"Johnson! Come right in, come right in," said Mr. Smith, puffing on a cigar. Mr. Johnson poured himself a tumbler of whiskey and sipped at it nervously.

"You're being rather quiet today, Johnson. Tell me, what's troubling you?"

"It's just this new guy, Mr. Cone," Mr. Johnson said carefully, staring at the bottom of his whiskey glass. "Are we sure we know him as well as we think we do?"

Mr. Smith took only a small puff from his cigar before letting his hand rest back on his desk. "Now really, Johnson," he sighed, "you're a good agent. Your caution has served you well in the past, but paranoia doesn't look so good on you. Mr. Cone has the most impressive resumΓ© I've seen come across my desk in the last fifteen years. I've personally had him vetted by the best men in the business. He's going to be an asset to this office."

That was the response Mr. Johnson had been afraid of getting, but he continued to press his cause. "I understand that, sir. It's just that I'm getting the strangest feeling from this Cone fellow. Don't you think he's a little too perfect? A little too well-qualified?"

Mr. Smith stopped smoking his cigar altogether. A distant look came into his eyes as he mulled over the possibilities. "You don't suppose--"

"Yes," said Mr. Johnson, "I think he's a plant."

Note: I'm a mom, not a dad, but I'm pretty sure I only thought of this because my father-in-law tortures me with these kinds of stories almost constantly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Larny-Arny
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2014
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Jazz dadjoke

So while preparing for a dinner party Miles Davis "My Funny Valentine" comes on the player. I have been slowly trying to thin out some of the unecessay tunes on our device. I don't really care much for jazz, but the wife likes it.

Me: So I assume you like this song?

Wife: Yeah

Me: I feel like I am at friend who enjoys torturous jazz's house.

Wife: It's not like it's free jazz.

Me: Free or not, it's taxing my ears!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruderthanyourmom
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2014
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Dadjoke Daughter Torture 3: Still the D.A.D.

Part 3.

Credit to the original submitters where applicable. Thanks, dads. Credit to my daughter for being amazing.

Part 1 and part 2

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/geoffevans
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2017
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I'm still torturing my daughter with awful jokes

http://imgur.com/a/fKQmM

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/geoffevans
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2016
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I've been torturing my daughter, vol. 4

The fourth album is often the best.

Credit to the original submitters. Thanks for keeping me funny, dads.

EDIT: Black Sabbath, Paranoid, Master of Reality

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πŸ‘€︎ u/geoffevans
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2017
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