There’s tons of liquidity in this market
The skipper of a 40 ton trawler which ran aground in Hull during the early hours of Sunday was reported to be 6 times over the legal limit for sailing. Authorities said they had no idea what to do with a drunken sailor early in the morning.
What weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?
A ton of feathers. You have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
I have tons of unemployment jokes.
I'd tell you one but none of them work
Now that the Fall is officially here, I can't wait to make tons of extra money gathering leaves..
.. last year I raked it in.
There once was a man who would buy tons of buckets of roofing sealant, change the label then resell them.
Sometimes he would simply rename the brand. Sometimes he would name it a different product entirely. In a few horrific instances he repackaged it as food products. Eventually he was found, arrested, and brought to court. And though he admitted to doing all those things, he insisted that he had done nothing illegal and that moreover, his actions were protected by the law and the Constitution. His reasoning?
"I have the right to rename sealant!!!"
I know tons of dad jokes! Here’s one
Given social distancing regulations, a ton of condiment companies are being forced to cancel July 4th campaigns like sponsored concerts, where they planned to hand out signature color sunglasses to attendees.
Bad idea, Heinz-Sight 2020.
“I’m about to be in a crap ton of pain.” “Why?”
“I just ate spicy food, son.”
Wolverine delivered tons of gifts on Christmas
People called him Santa Claws
My friend is a sushi chef and makes a ton of money.
I see a ton of people driving in automobiles by themselves and still wearing a mask, what are they afraid of?
What do you call a president that has a ton of laundry to do?
The NBA played it's first game in France yesterday. I decided to use that opportunity to make a ton of French puns.
roto.life/nba-paris-game-…
A truck unloaded tons of hand tools into a river...
It is now a screwed river
What's called when people start buying tons of stuff "just in case" during a crisis?
I have tons of friends!
Jerry and Bob, my favorite sumo wrestlers.
A ton of milk weighs less in the car.
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
I saw tons of epic memers talking about how Shrek 5 will be grossing more than Endgame.
I can agree, how Shrek acts in the movies is really gross.
Why do ants never get sick? Because the have a ton of ant-i body’s
What do you call a machine that makes a ton of the letter s?
I love using Anker cables, I bought a ton of them to charge all my devices. Although, I have so many of them now, it's hard to keep them in order.
I need to take an Anker Management class.
I’ve always wondered what a ton of bricks would feel like
What is the opposite of ton?
I always wondered why my dog has to stop and sniff a ton of things for ages on our daily walks...
...and then it dawned on me she's just checking her peemail.
I suppose this morning's half-hearted squat to pee while moving was a reply-all.
Me: I met a ton of people
Dad: You had them weighed?
I know a ton of halloween jokes
My grandma in Liverpool got scammed out of a ton of money.
Dracula is walking down a street in Transylvania when suddenly tons of sandwiches, mini sausage rolls, crisps, chicken wings and cocktail sausages fall on him...
Buried under all this food, his dying words were, "Oh no, it's Buffet the Vampire Slayer!"
Over the past 3 years I’ve lost a ton of weight at the gym.
I can pump a ton of iron.
Made a pun app with tons of puns. - Hundreds of puns - Submit your own! - Save and share your favorites Enjoy!
play.google.com/store/app…
The Chinese government donates a ton of Viagra to the Austrian government.
They've heard that they can't get an election.
A lorry carrying 25 tons of Vicks Vapour Rub has overturned on the M6, near Birmingham, spilling it's load onto the carriage way.
The Police have said, there will be no congestion for at least 12hrs.
My friend bought 2 hot dogs from 7/11 and put a ton of chili on it...
After about 20 minutes of not eating one, my other friend asks him "Isn't it getting cold?". I said "Don't you mean it's getting chili?"
So my wife said there's a ton of ISO's on Facebook for girl guide cookies.
I said we should post it at a boosted price because they are mint in box.
Why'd the stoner take a ton of laxatives while high?
Oh, just shits and giggles
My dad stacked a ton of bacon on his plate...
He took a bite, smirked and said, "This bacon is great Sarah. It's hard to believe it's sodium free!"
My wife looked at me with a quizzical look on her face and responded, "Ummm... Bruce...this isn't sodium free bacon."
"I know!" My dad exclaimed. "That's why it's so hard to believe!"
My dad parked next to a campsite on a lake that had tons of ducks
He asked me what I thought of it, I told him "it looks fowl"
I got a ton of them. This one happened today.
Dad drives me to campus this morning so he can use the car later. At a crosswalk a police officer is always waving his hand, either toward students who want to cross or the other direction for cars to come through. Every time he says "hey man, if you want to fly you need both hands." (with the windows closed)
While waving to our car with one hand he actually started waving hello to someone else. We cracked up when he finally took my dad's advice.
So I have a ton of red itchy bumps on my face and chest, I can't decide what I should do, can somebody help me out.....
I don't wanna make any rash decisions....
A ton of milk weighs less in a car, because then it's a carton.
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