I’ve seen way too many Hindsight is 2020 jokes tonight.
I should’ve seen it coming, but... you know.
Let’s order takeaway because mom cannot finish making dinner by 7pm tonight.
Just before midnight tonight, I’ll lift up my left leg.
That way, I can start the new year on the right foot.
Wife: "What are you making for dinner tonight, honey?"
I always say "hi tired, I'm dad", but I got one upped tonight.
I said my goodnights but in return I got "Are you a broom?"
"I'm sorry, what?"
"You look sweepy"
My 6 yr old son has an attitude problem at the dinner table. He barely eats and always makes the rudest comments about the home-cooked food we provide him, so tonight we tried alphabet soup.
I really hope he eats his words.
My 7 y/o told me this one tonight: What did the manager say when he came out of the closet?
Him: Do you want to play among us tonight?
Me: Sure, what are you playing?
I have a marathon to be at tonight.
For me, the urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is always just a whim away...
...a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...
Realized my boys will someday be dads after the cat tried to sneak outside tonight
Me, to my two boys: "Hazel tried to escape, but I rescued her!...Or....should I say captured her?"
Boy 1: (pronunciation) "cap- CHURR!"
Boy 2: "Or... You CAT-tured her!"
Boy 1: "No, you CAT cat-ture Hazel!"
Tonight I’m gonna have possum soup made from Himalayan possum...
Because I found Himalayan on the road.
When the Mrs. could tell I was in the mood, she immediately let me know that tonight wasn’t going to happen.
She said: “Not tonight. Period.”
I'm not happy because I have to work at the museum tonight moving suits of armor.
Hubs is gonna be late tonight
Been a dad 5 mo, so I’m a little new to this... Hit my wife with this one tonight at dinner.
Me: Dinner is served as soon as you dress the salad.
Wife: What are you thinking?
Me: Business casual.
My wife shredded some cheese to sprinkle on the pasta tonight.
I told her she’s doing grate.
I was making pizzas for dinner with my son tonight
As my son finished spreading the pizza sauce on the bases: “How do they look Dad!”
I reply: “They can’t, they don’t have eyes”
I am grilling tonight. I don't know how these sausages will turn out...
but I am expecting the wurst.
I made a cabbage, carrot and corn stir-fry tonight! The recipe called for tilipia, but I put in pork. I realize now that I should have put in chicken, though...
...it's supposed to be a C-food stir-fry.
To celebrate Bundesliga return tonight!!
I was at the supermarket and I picked up these little odd shaped onions. When I got home my wife asked should she use them for dinner tonight, I told her "Yes, but they're quite strong so...
There's a great documentary on tv tonight about perfume.
Was pretty proud of this exchange on a dating app tonight
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
I'm going out with a group of friends from OCD anonymous tonight.
Things aren't gonna get messy.
The man working the bar tonight was real soft.
My best friend couldn’t come out to the pub with me tonight so his identical twin came instead.
My wife said “I’m going to make coleslaw tonight.”
I replied “You’re gonna make Cole do what?”
So I saw a group of people crossing the street tonight carrying ski stuff the one guy in the front of the group was tasked with carrying the ski poles...
So I guess you can say that they put him in pole position
In honour of Star Wars day I was going to have Wooki steak tonight..
But I've heard it's a little chewy.
"Grandpa, what are you and Grandma going to do tonight for your anniversary?"
Well, there we're getting into kind of a grey area....
I came so close to singing "the lion sleeps tonight"
I was only a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
The sudden urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...
For me, the urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is always just a whim away...
a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
The urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" may come at any time
It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
Make sure you raise your left leg at midnight tonight guys.
Let’s start the new year off on the right foot.
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